Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Snobs or not!!!!(44 Posts)
I am just after a bit of advice really. To cut a long story in my opinion my parents are snobs but in their opinion they just like and appreciate nice things. My mum is from a very wealthy landowning family and was privately educated as were all her brothers and sisters. She then met my dad an ordinary average joe who is mesmerised by her grandeur. He has an ordinary job with an average salary they both still work full time at 68 to fund their lifestyle which includes 5 star carribean holidays and eating in expensive restaurants each weekends. Neither me or my bro went to private school as they didnt have the money much to my dads disgust instead they spent the money on nice things such as expensive shoes and theatre trips and holidays abroad in gites or 5 star resorts so out of school we mixed with the elite!! I loved this life till I was about 15 then just wanted to be normal like my school friends. My parents hate normal.
Anyway on xmas day it all kicked off as my 4 yr old DS got a football kit and football is a thugs game and thet is what my dad brought me up to believe, and if we are to encourage sport it should be polo or rugby as that is what the private school boys play, but he doesnt go to private school. They dont like my DH as he is Mr average but unlike my dad who is or was mr average my hubby is happy being normal but my parents say that likeing football and having a big tv and going to a caravan park on holiday is 'chavvy' not normal and being normal is wrong you need to always strive for more in life.
My dad says they chose to bring me up the way they did so that I would meet and marry a dr or lawyer andm somebody who could give me a nice life not to be with a man who takes me to the pub for a meal and goes to watch football. They literally are embarassed by him. I am different to the rest of them as all the other cousins have married within their class but they all went to public school. My bro is just like my parents as well so it is just me who is normal. But is normal so so wrong???
You actually have to ask?
Plus your father sounds like he has classic imposter syndrome and is clinging on to certain so-called status symbols. I know loads of people who went to public or private school who like football.
My parents were the opposite to yours: they didn't have a big income but they funnelled what they had into just three things: a large posh-looking house, a large posh-looking car, and their DCs' education. They struggled to send us to private school and it was a massive relief when we passed our 11+ and they could send us to a state school with a clear conscience. We holidayed in tents and it used to make passers-by laugh when we stopped by at the fish and chip shop (our weekly treat) in a Rolls Royce! We all had to slave in the large show garden because we couldn't afford a gardener, and so on. To me your parents' lifestyle sounds not so much classy as self-centred. That you have not grown up to be a designer daughter who fulfils their image of you is part of that. They should be happy as long as you're happy.
We may owe parents affection for giving birth to us and bringing us up (with certain dishonourable exceptions), but we do not owe it to them to live the rest of our lives just to please them. I wouldn't expect my DCs to be little clones of me, would you?
I suppose you could just cut them off in conversation...
Them: He took you to the pub?
You: Yep. He's my husband and I love him
You: Yep. He's my husband and etcetc
Them: DC goes to football?
You: Yep. He's my darling boy and he loves football.
You: Yep. Loves football. <bigsmile>
They are snobs. Good on you for doing your own thing.
Wanting your children to better themselves is not unnatural.
Expressing opinions that they have slid backwards on the social scale is rude.
Whether we like it not, or pretend it's now washed away, social class is still very much with us. there is a pecking order to society - and they believe you have married beneath yourself. although I have to say, if they had any real desires of you moving up a notch, they would have pulled the stops out for you to attend a private school rather than allow you to mix in a state school.
Education is the route to most things, even if you arent academic, you meet people at better schools/universities that last you through life. Nepotism I suppose. It is always who you know, not what you know that makes the chances in life.
However if you and your DH have common goals, ideals and values, then your relationship should be stable.
Perhaps it's more of his lack of get-up-and-go they don't like? Your father seems to have slid into an affluent class with ease - although, I wonder why your mother has such issue with your DH if she herself married beneath her? A bit of regret on her part? Wants more for you?
Your parents do sound selfish, and materialistic.
You seem a little afraid to stand up to them though. If it were me, I would be pointing out that they hadn't provided you with the private education they benefitted from. That said, plenty of people from state schools go onto university to become doctors and lawyers themselves, they don't have to marry them. So from that point of view, you have a bit of an unreasonable chip on your shoulder - you don't sound as though you were disadvantaged, and its up to you to make what you will of your life.
Its unusual for the grandparents in these situations not to pay for private education or for there to be some inheritance, so I wonder if they dislike your father - he doesn't sound a very likable person.
My dad says they chose to bring me up the way they did so that I would meet and marry a dr or lawyer
that's a bit sad - ask him is 'marrying up' the way of social advancement?
surely with a good education you could have been a doctor or a lawyer yourself?
Point out to them that Prince William is a football fan - Aston Villa, I believe.
Remind him that Prince William, our future King, is the President of the Football Association!
My boys are at public school, they love football. One of them hates rowing & rugby.
If your parents are happy, that's fine.
If you are happy that's fine. If they are making you unhappy, keep away.
It sounds like your father, deep down, is ashamed of who he is and needs the approval of others to function. You are messing that up by living your life as you want - well done for not conforming.
I would guess that your parents gain more pleasure from telling their friends what they have been doing than they gain from actually doing all of the activities and holidays. IME successful people in all walks of life don't care what other people think of them and they live as they please.
As others have mentioned, football is no longer solely a working class pursuit and is enjoyed by lots of people from all backgrounds. To be upset that a little boy has got a football kit for xmas is a fundamentally selfish act. Tell them it is your life and that you will live as you please regardless of their expectations.
I went to a grammar school. I was telling a friend about how football was looked down on at my (rugby-loving) school, as it was common.
He was surprised because football was quite a big thing at his school, and he had a hard time because he was rubbish at football.
He went to Eton.
To be honest, your parents sound like they are trying too hard, and that sort of fake posh always worries about appearances.
Yup, my parents brought us up to be doctors or lawyers.
Well, one was the first. I am a doctor, but via PhD. Sis is something else, but still with a degree and a career.
And marry someone who could give you a nice life???
How about making one yourself?
Anyway, normal is fine.
I would prefer be 'normal' and happy rather than rich and miserable
My husband is a Dr (he's a GP) and I've been with him for 12 years since he was at med school.
We live in a 3-bed semi, hardly a palace! Fecking recession and £££ student debts
Your parents sound like snobs, but sasly there are lots of them around.
You know the answer really don't you? They so are!
Also, a question...is rugby an upper class sport in England? It's very much a working mans game in Wales!
I know loads of doctors who like pubs and football. In fact I only know 2 doctors who like going to the theatre and one of them is me
You could try pointing out that they also brought you up to understand that love, care, compassion and hard work were important in a partner and yours has these in abundance and surely this is more important that football vs rugby.
Or you could ask them to give you several thousand pounds a year to fund your son's polo habit
In my ds's private school, they play football in the playground everyday. Ds also has a football kit . Your dad sounds unhinged.
Football is a thug's game??!
Wow! I bet Charterhouse (the most expensive school in the country) would be just thrilled to hear that one! They are a football playing school.
Thanks for all your comments is has made me realise that they definitely are snobs and being normal is not so bad. I think I feel a bit guilty because I really did had a fantastic childhood and everything they did was for us and we didn't want for anything and my dad really wanted to give us the best like my mum had and he didn't but he has taken it to the extreme. My dh doesn't help as he really pushes the football thing as he knows it winds them up.
Nuts. For a start, these PILs are classic try-hards - they wanted you to marry a lawyer but failed to send you to a smart school, preferring to spend the cash on themselves and their tan.
That's sending you mixed messages from the class front, for a start - a classic working-class tale of instant gratification (hols) mixed with a partic middle-class aspiration (lawyer wedding). An aspiration that, conveniently, they want for themselves but that you probably wouldn't achieve - charming.
Sports are a pitched battle in class perception - basically, outdoor exercise is a huge favourite with both upper and working class teams - only the lower-middles would mince about whimpering that one type of ball was more common than the other. (Except volleyball - no one likes that.)
Your post tells me that your parents are ghaaaastly snobs, and, worse, that they're not prepared to put the work and effort in to better themselves according to their own wonky standards. That's your job.
Yr PIL aren't very nice. Snobs this bad are usually pretty odd people, for a start, and the vicarious aspirations on yr behalf are horrid. Avoid.
Oh dear, I mean parents - even worse for you. They're not normal.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.