falling for coworker

[Tadpole2012]

I work with a very VERY attractive but very married man and i dont know what is up with me! I have known him for years but never saw him like this until we worked together hand in hand. We werent that close before but now we have to work late evenings together a few times a week and tbh we are both very flirty and full on. He is so flirty with me! I'm positive its not just me.

I love my dh very much but things havent been quite right for some time and he wants us to have a baby to cement things. Ive wanted a baby for years so was originally very keen but since i came off the pill Ive found myself falling for my coworker. I think he likes me and i am finding myself liking him more and more but i also love my husband. They are very diffrent men and I don't know if its just the thrill of a change thats making me fantasise about my coworker throwing me.

I think he wants me. I really like him but I dont know if its just that the grass is greener.

[izzyizin]

First things first. Having a baby to cement a shaky marriage is likely to bring the entire edifice tumbling down.

Get back on the pill as a matter of priority and don't give any further thought to ttc untl you have resolved the issues that have caused you to report that things havent been quite right for some time with your dh.

Secondly, stop flirting with your colleague. It's disrespectful to his dw, your dh, and to your employers, to spend your time making sheeps eyes at each other when you should be focused on the job at hand instead of looking for opportunity to hold his.

You know full well that no good can come of this flirtation and if you don't heed this advice, and also ignore the previous advice given above, you may find it's not your dh's dc you give birth to.

[FlorentinePogen]

izzy, I suspect you are in the wrong job.

The world needs a tough love agony aunt like you.

[dequoisagitil]

Have to second izzy - a baby does not cement a relationship, it puts it under massive strain. And then if it all falls apart you have the additional guilt & complication of access, child support and so forth.

Get contraception sorted asap.

Go to Relate or something, see if you can salvage the relationship or how to end it amicably.

The attraction to the coworker may be related to being off the pill actually, I think it's been found to change who you're attracted to somewhat. But stop it.

[poorpaws]

No, no, no. I've been there and it wrecked my marriage, my career, MY LIFE. If I could only go back in time I would. I fell madly in love with a coworker after many years of him chasing me when I wasn't interested. After a wonderful, unbelievable time with him he decided to go back to his dw and totally wrecked my whole life. NO, NO, NO. I can't should loud enough NNNNNoooooooooo! dont suffer like I have.

[LessMissAbs]

Flirty married men - ugh!

[greencolorpack]

Be very boring at work. Stop getting his jokes. Talk very boringly in great detail about your lovely husband.

Good advice, when coworker comes to desk say to him not "How are you?" but instead "how can I help you?". It gives the impression that you want to talk about work when at work. If he is lingering, acting like he wants to say something more and be intimate then you need to instead be brisk. Get out of the room, avoid eye contact, go and make a cup of tea. Do the next thing. Don't linger in a place of temptation. Just get on with doing the next thing.

[dequoisagitil]

Great advice from greencolorpack there.

[fortyplus]

People notice co-workers flirting. Double standards still apply - he'll be seen as 'one of the lads' whgereas you'll get a reputation as the office bike. Run a mile - preferably to another job!

[greencolorpack]

Thanks dequoiasitigil.

[PessimisticMissPiggy]

Don't shit where you eat.

If you love your DH then work on your marriage but FFS don't have a baby until you know for sure you want to spend your life with him.

[VBisme]

He is so flirty with me! I'm positive its not just me.

I'm also positive it's not just you, I expect he tries it on with any female unfortunate enough to cross his path.

[ZenNudist]

You're right, it's a fantasy, the reality would not be so fun. Work place flirtatious inevitably cool and the aftermath can be uncomfortable at best.

Your hormones are running riot right now and the OM will be picking up on your fertility (pheromones!). Tone down the flirting and start to think about whether your want to stay with your dh. If he is a supportive man and there is mutual love and respect you could have much longer lasting happiness by starting a family with him rather than the brief exciting of an extra-marital fuck.

[MrsTerrysChocolateOrange]

Wow, he sounds dreamy. A man who flirts with married women behind his DW's back. I can see what you fancy him for . Just try to imagine yourself in his DW's position. How hurt, violated, sad and insecure she would be if she knew.

Personally, I would think very seriously about whether the current relationship is for you. The flirtation definitely isn't so bin that.

[AuntieVenom]

Interesting that you mention your feelings have changed since you came off the pill.

There was a (very small) study conducted by the University of Liverpool in 2008 that found women's choice of partner changes when they are on or off the pill. Link here

Not that this gives an excuse, but it might go some way to explaining the sudden, almost inexplicable, attraction to your co-worker.

[GiveMeSomeSpace]

Let's be clear Tadpole, you're flirting with someone who is flirting with other women and who always will. You're fantasising about a man who would do the same to other women no matter who he was with.

Priorities for you:

1. Grow up, change your behaviours and, where possible, avoid contact with your co-worker. If you can't do so, then change your job
   
2. Forget about trying to get pregnant for now. It would be the biggest mistake of your life.
   
3. Be honest to yourself and to your dh. Either sort out your marriage or end it if it's not right.
   

You wont be able to sort out your marriage until you have sorted number 1 above and number 2 WILL increase the pressure on your marriage.

You're playing games right now. But be clear, your also playing games with the future of your dh and your co-worker's dw and family. Is that how you'd like to be treated by someone else?