Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I think DH is depressed, he thinks not..(12 Posts)
I tried to talk to my DH today about the possibility of him being depressed. He's been really sleepy. He works nightshifts week on/week off, so I barely see him for a week (long hours+long commute) and on his weeks off he is so shattered that he falls asleep putting the kids to bed so we rarely spend an evening together. Not really criticising him for this as I know he's shattered, but it is pretty lonely. He's also incredibly irritable, snaps at me and overreacts.
Lately he has been apologising for this and saying his tiredness & homesickness had been making him irritable. I can understand this but there's no need to call me an irritating bitch etc, I've made it clear that I won't take that any more.
He is very very homesick (not Brtish) and hates living here, says he spends every day just wanting to go home and can't help that it puts him in a bad mood.
I think his moods and feelings could be (possibly stress based?) depression, he thinks he's not depressed, he just hates it here. He won't go to the gp as he thinks I'm over reacting, he won't be able to explain himself. I told him that if he doesn't at least try to help himself, our marriage could be over (not just because of this, other issues too). He didn't really react too much to this, so i don't know if that went in. Although he did say that me saying he should talk to a gp/maybe try to change his job/give up his job if it's too much and let me work full time instead, sounded like I was criticising him, but I was genuinely trying to help, find a solution and put forward ideas. I don't honestly know how it could have come across as criticism. I was kind.
I know I can't force him to go to the gp, or force him to believe he's depressed, but I can't take all the irritation being taken out on me. He says I get the brunt of it as I'm closest to him, he can't say these things to anyone else While I'll happily listen to him complain about the UK/his homesicknesses, he's not allowed to take his irritation out on me anymore Can I do anything?
^^ sorry, I mean can I do anything about making him realise he may be depressed? Clearly when he's being an arse I can donk him in the head with my frying pan, that bit's covered
Is there anything that can be done about the homesickness? Have you ever thought of moving to his country? Or can he change jobs - I have read that night shifts can be terrible for mental health.
You're right, whether he's depressed or not you shouldn't have to be his punching bag.
He sounds tired - not being flippant as that would make anyone irritable. Is he actually getting enough sleep?
Shift work is very, very hard on the system and often contributes to all sorts of health problems, depression included. Plus he may well be suffering from SAD if he's not getting out in the (very limited!) hours of daylight. You say he's not British - many cultures stigmatise mental health issues even more than the British do, so it might have been very hurtful to him when you suggested he was depressed, even though you didn't mean it to be. How long has he been in the UK?
Hassled At the moment there isn't. We left his country when I was pregnant with DS2, I had only just recovered from pnd after DS1 and we both knew it would be tough with 2. He didn't want to come here, but he knew it was the best thing for us and he wanted to look after us. DS2 is still only 1, we need the family support here (none in his country) also in his country childcare is far more expensive and there is no way we would be able to make enough to cover all our outgoings. I've asked him about changing jobs but he thinks he was so lucky to find this one (he doesn't have much confidence in his English) so is scared of looking for another one.
I feel slightly frustrated as when I lived in his country I quit my job, started working freelance and made a pretty successful business. Made friends, studied the language like crazy and just enjoyed living abroad. He doesn't seem to want to study (goes through bursts of motivation but spends more time studying "how to study", than actually studying. I know the UK isn't hot, sunny and crime free, but it's far from the worst place to live! I feel like I made so much effort when I lived in his country and the pnd after DS1 really knocked me for 6. But I still realised what was happening, found a clinic that specialised in depression, went and got treatment. Maybe I'm overly proactive, but it's the "don't like it but can't be bothered to try" attitude that winds me up a bit. I feel like I had to carry myself through all that when I was over there, now we're here I have to carry him. Which I would be happy to do if I wasn't his emotional punchbag
jess the weeks he works I don't think he is - 4 or 5 hours a day
His weeks off he sleeps probably 9pm-8am, will nap in the afternoon in he needs to, but that's definitely not everyday. The day he finishes his nightshift he sleeps most of the day, then early night and sleeps until morning. Not sure if that's enough to recover from the week working or not though, if it's all built up. That's definitely something to talk to him about. DS2's sleeping has been terrible lately so we're both trying to let each other rest but losing time to actually see other. Hopefully that's only short term though.
bluestocking That's an interesting point about the cultural aspect. I don't know if there's too much of a stigma, work stress related depression is a very common thing there. In the past when we were living in his country he told me that he was worried he was depressed, and seemed quite open to talk about it. He didn't do anything about it, but he definitely didn't seem ashamed of it. Maybe it did hurt to hear from me though
Shifts are horrible aren't they. He's always had flashes of grumpyness/irritation since we were first married actually, has always been prone to needing some "quiet" time for a few days until he's pulled himself together, but he seems to be taking it out on me more and more the longer we're together/the longer he does nightshifts. He's been here for nearly 2 years, and working nightshifts for about a year.
Can he take two weeks off and go to his home ? Then he can think about it and get some rest .
Given your previous posts on the subject of your 'd' h, it's somewhat disingenous for you to present him as anything other than the twunt he is at this late date, honey.
Why are you attempting to gloss over the fact that he's a twunt of the first water?
It could well be stress but it could also be SAD - seasonal affected disorder. Does he come from a warm sunny climate? Perhaps his serotonin levels are very low.
How about a lack of vitamin D - again, lack of sunshine - especially if he is used to loads of sunlight.
Testosterone - his levels might be down and this can cause tiredness and irritability in men.
All it could be all of the above.
Perhaps he is simply exhausted - either way, he needs to go see a GP to get a few tests.
As bumhead remarked on one of your previous threads, your dh is an 'entitled, manipulative, malicious twat'.
He's also a physical, verbal, and emotional abuser who lusts after other women and is never too tired or depressed to spend hours on the internet or lie through his teeth about what he's been up to.
Under the circumstances, you're best advised to take 'stress', 'depression' and SAD out of the equation and don't waste your money dosing him with vitamin tablets, or squander the taxpayers' money by wasting his GP's time.
The only party to your marriage who needs to see a doctor is you because your tendency to self-harm, coupled with what seems to be complete denial of the nature of the man you're married to, is something that needs to be addressed as a matter of urgency.
Please go to your GP and seeking counselling before one of your frequent fights with your dh, or your own hand, causes you irreparable damage.
SneezyPanda, I have now read your other threads. This man is horrible! The best thing you could do for yourself and your children would be to buy him a one-way ticket back to his oh-so-wonderful home country. Not great for the women there, as no doubt he'd soon sucker in another softie to accommodate his foul moods, galloping egotism, addiction to internet porn and all the rest of it. I honestly cannot see one single reason why you haven't got rid of him.
I'd love to know what you family and friends think of him - I'm willing to bet that he has alienated a good proportion of them and has made you feel that it was their fault, that they couldn't appreciate him, and that it was "you and him against the world".
cestlavielife I have suggested this quite a few times, but he doesn't seem keen on it, says he would rather save money, as it's so expensive for him to go home. I personally think it would do him so much good, so I wish he would!
tawse He does come from a very sunny climate so there could be a connection to serotonin or vitamin D. Thanks for the ideas.
izzyizin Well, it would be easier to deal with if there were a "reason" for things rather than him just being a twunt. I suppose everyone sees the bad things from my posts, but it's not like that 24 hours a day. He hardly "lusts after other women.." He's never all "cor, look at her!" when we're out, never seems to notice/stare at other women etc. He did attempt to watch something on fb and my opinion of him has plummeted from that. He's also very ashamed of himself. Believe me, if he gave me any other hint he was lusting after women I would not be with him. As for the lying, those incidents were a couple of years ago, as I said in my other post there's been nothing since then where he's lied about where he's going or who with. What I struggle with is forgiving and forgetting that (or whether I should/shouldn't have) not that he's still doing it.
Do absolutely agree about seeing someone before irreparable damage is done. Hence thinking of as many possibilities as possible. I may be way off the mark with this, but in my opinion better than just throwing in the towel.
bluestocking You are right in some points, but he doesn't have an internet porn addiction.. He possibly has an internet-shoe-shopping addiction, crap news site addiction, but given that he only uses the computer when we're all in the same room, I can guarantee that he hasn't got an internet porn addiction!
My family love him, He loves spending time with them, gets on especially well with my dad. My friends think he's nice, he never stops me seeing friends or family, is always happy for me to go and see friends. He definitely hasn't alienated anyone, or alienated me from anyone. He's never badmouthed my friends or family and I can't imagine him doing so.
Since my last threads and the advice I've received I have changed the way I react to him when he
being an arse being irritable, and have also let him know exactly what I will and won't stand for etc and it is helping. I have definitely noticed a change in his mood, and almost non-existent shoutiness. So I am so so grateful for everyone who has given advice, and sorry if I seem to be burying my head in the sand.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.