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Why am I such a terrible person? I should be happy for my friends shouldn't I?

(14 Posts)
Moln Mon 24-Dec-12 07:51:53

I've just heard a friend is expecting again. My first reaction was a sinking feeling and then one of jealously.

It's a terrible reaction, but one I frequently feel. Especially as this particular friends had a tragic loss last year (her baby was stillborn very early).

I have two wonderful children and have come to realise it will be just two. For economic reasons mostly, though partly for health reasons. I always wanted three though now I feel content with two.

Also I did have a miscarriage two years ago at Christmas. It was a totally unplanned pregnancy

It'll take me a while to be able to contact her and congratulate her. This makes me feel like terrible person.

Hassled Mon 24-Dec-12 07:55:47

You're not a terrible person - you're a normal, human one with instinctive responses. Just don't ever let the friend know of the jealousy - in any case, it's far more about your own sadness at what might have been than actual jealousy of her, I'm sure. If you can't speak to her yet, email/text.

RandomMess Mon 24-Dec-12 07:55:58

Sounds like you haven't come to terms with stopping at 2 and/or your miscarriage - perhaps you need to do some grieving?

I think it's understandable to have a few moments of sadness what you wish could be etc so please don't be too hard on yourself.

Dolallytats Mon 24-Dec-12 07:57:08

It doesn't make you a horrible person, it makes you human. I felt the same when I was trying for no2. It took us 15 years and in that time my sister had 4 children and my cousins had several between them. I couldn't help feeling jealous-and ready to kill when my sister would moan about her 4 with the words 'at least you only have one'.

Sometimes you have to try and swallow your feelings. Your happiness for your friend will come, it may just take a little time.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Mon 24-Dec-12 07:57:24

I understand your feelings due to your loss.

But don't wait to congratulate them. They will notice and unless they are very understanding it may hurt them.

You are not a terrible person.

have you considered counselling? It is obviously still effecting you.

Whatiswitnit Mon 24-Dec-12 08:05:29

YANBU to feel the way you do; we can't control our emotions. You can make yourself offer congratulations though, even if it hurts inside.

I know how you feel, because the same thing happens to me. It's rare that I feel a genuine happiness when I hear someone's baby news. Usually it's a horrible kind of jealousy, which I think is still a result of the fact that I had IVF to conceive and had to watch everyone around me have babies when we were struggling to get pg. That feeling never quite went away, even though I now have my family. I have to be firm with myself and not dwell on these feelings.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 24-Dec-12 08:09:54

Whilst I can understand why you might feel sorry for yourself in the circumstances that shouldn't prevent you congratulating someone else. If you have problems, do something constructive to resolve them. Begrudging someone else a bit of happiness does you no favours.

Moln Mon 24-Dec-12 08:38:12

I'd never say it to her (or anyone).by wairing i mean a short time not days. I usually find it easier to hear news second hand so I can compose myself without being seen.

I've been in contact with the friend. I can also assume she'll be finding this pregnacy hard after loosing her last baby.

I'm proberly not over my miscarriage and not having more. I'm not sure how i can manage to do that.

LunaticFringe Mon 24-Dec-12 08:56:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblequeen Mon 24-Dec-12 09:04:10

Feelings will come and go- difficult to control these. However you can control what you choose to do. Go out of your way to congratulate and support her through the pregnancy and after the birth. You will feel better- honest!

GeordieCherry Mon 24-Dec-12 09:05:53

Send a card & a gift, then you don't have to interact til you're ready. It will come
Ditto the suggestions about coming to terms with your loss
Good luck smile

Moln Mon 24-Dec-12 09:26:02

Have been in contact - returned IM, not long after my op. Congratulated her and told her i hoped she was too stressed.

I know it'll be the same when the baby is birn too.

Can't afford counselling at the moment. Other than I don't know how to accept my lit

GeordieCherry Tue 25-Dec-12 06:20:25

Your GP should be able to refer you for free

SoleSource Tue 25-Dec-12 20:33:46

I feel similiarishsometimes. I have one bli.d, autistic child. I am single and 38. Unlimely to get pregnant because of weight and PCOS. We both lost so much DS and I via his disabilities. sad

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