Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DP sleeps too much during the day.(178 Posts)
I know alot of men have 'naps' during the day but he can sleep practically the whole day leaving me with 2 children under the age of three. I am waking up for the baby during the night and if our other DC wakes up. He doesn't wake up at all. If he is asleep then I obviously can't catch up. I have started going out without him at weekends and am worried that we'll end up having separate lives with him just sleeping the whole weekend and me spending it on my own with my children. Does anyone have any practical advice or did anyone manage to change their DP from being a lazy git to someone more dynamic or is it a lost cause?
DH has just come in and announced he is going to bed as he is shattered! Talk about perfect timing.
I have to admit I thought that alot of men take naps because my father and brother were all big nap takers. Its an eye opener to me that there are men who can actually stay awake during the day. I feel that I am being cheated. He never feels like 'he can't wait to spend the day with us.' He'd rather sleep.
He is better today but that is because he went to a football match. Amazing how little sleep he needs on a match day.
The doctor threat seems to have worked quite well though. Coupled with 'Can you be a less selfish person?' and his answer was yes. I imagine that he will try for a little while and then slip back into bad habits. He can be a very nice person but he feels entitled. He has a mother that dotes on him even though he is in his 40s. Treats him like a child and lets him do what he wants so therefore he expects the same from me.
AM, your husband has a diagnosed medical condition
Interesting about napping being an abuse indicator - who'd've thought? But I was thinking of you this afternoon, OP, because my H (who is a fuckwit, just like yours appears to be), despite having expressed sympathy when I told him about my bad night and how tired I was feeling today, went off for a nap on the sofa post-lunch. Only re-emerging once all the clearing up (twas a roast, so plenty) had been done, and making no comment beyond he shouldn't've napped as he was now behind on what he needed to do.
I don't know how easy it is to reprogramme his sense of entitlement - don't suppose it's possible he can just put more effort in, as he probably doesn't really see the issue.
I think sometimes women enable arseholes to nap. I remember my mum always sssshing me as a small child when daddy was having a nap in the chair so I didn't wake him. Why the fuck didn't she let me?? If it was because he would be in a super foul mood with me and with her then she should have left the bastard. And in fact she did ... only ten years too late really.
If my dh fell asleep without good reason there's two things I'd do - either poke him awake and say what do you think you're doing .. or I'd take myself out leaving him with the kids the minute he woke up for the same amount of time he napped. I wouldn't just leave him to it.
No-one can actually sleep that much, unless very ill. He'd become unable to sleep at night, or during the day - at some time anyway. He could be resting and dozing but, even when quite wiped out, that gets boring after a while. Is he just withdrawing from you and your activity, rather than actually sleeping?
Does he actually go to bed and sleep - no tv, no radio, no laptop, no phone?
Who are all these men who nap? I certainly haven't met them in my working life!
It is possible to get into very bad sleeping habits that mean you take up a lot of time getting poor quality sleep.
It is also true that some people get to point of just needing to sleep and conk out more suddenly than others. DP is a morning person and just conks out at night, though when he wakes up he's fully awake. He does sometimes fall asleep during the day. I'm an evening person and have much more stamina to carry on tired, though, especially if mentally tired, I do sometimes get to a 'just need sleep, now' point. I very rarely sleep in the day and find it very hard to let go of some mental alertness e.g. I have never slept through my train station.
Depression can cause excess sleeping
And it can cause insomnia too.
Sounds to me like he has checked out of family life....
FFS, why do you all put up with this? Charlotte - why didn't you wake him up, or leave the clearing up for him?
Why would anyone change if they are allowed to get away with it?
Because, having left the clearing up for him to do in the past, I know that even if he does do it, he will still think it was my job.
Because in the past we've gone into a battle of wills for days, usually until he guilt-trips me into doing it because I'm the SAHM and he's so stressed with work or until he goes away on a work trip for a week and I'm left with the mess and added bitterness.
Because it's Christmas and I'd rather not have the hassle.
Because I like a tidy kitchen.
Because I'm planning to leave him and am biding my time, so I don't want him to get suspicious.
Because I was interested to see whether he would show any remorse - he didn't, which helps after a day of him being relatively nice to reassure me that leaving is the right thing to do.
Charlotte...don't wait too long will you, love ?
I'd add, I have had phases in life of feeling tired all the time and the problem was mainly going to bed too late, also low level anxiety or depression but mainly not keeping regular hours or being active enough during the day. There's nothing like moping about doing nothing to make you feel tired out. Conversely, getting out doing things and being active gives you satisfaction, physical tiredness and aids sleep.
I've also experienced moderate depression and the weird stuff that does to sleep. Mainly chronic insomnia. Also waking with a start at 3am, as well as feeling mentally exhausted so it was really, genuinely hard to drag myself out of bed, sleeping, rather dozing in the day when possible, going to be very early to sleep before the 3am adrenaline explosion (and so much more, inability to make decisions, remember things, weight loss etc). It's a surprisingly physical illness and the sleep aspect is a big part of that.
So, I'd say mild depression might lead to lethargy, loss of enthusiasm and withdrawal - or be developed by these means - but a more serious version would probably look quite different. Worth looking into. You could express your serious concern, it's a serious illness.
Oh, and he will not wake up when I try to wake him up. Been there so many times on mornings when I've been up with the dcs in the night and am desperate for a lie-in.
Maybe I should've seen him for who he was sooner. But I thought the most that could be said was that he was a workaholic (never knew what time he'd gone to bed). I hadn't heard of emotional abuse, then, and even when I did, it took me months to see that that was what he was doing, in so many ways, but all of them seemingly trivial taken by themselves.
AF - I'm hoping to be out in a month!
Have just seen your post on another thread, Charlotte. Good luck with getting this prick out of your life x
My ex dh once went to bed all day (in dds bed who was away at the time) when we were supposed to be decorating our bedroom. Guess who did the room while he slept?
Yep muggins here. We were divorced soon enough. It wasn't the deciding factor but just yet another "what the fuck am I doing"moment.
Good luck Charlotte. I can't think that this is anything but the right decision and you will be lots happier.
Thanks. I still have
a lot of moments of wondering what I'm thinking of, so I appreciate the affirmation.
(Sorry for the takeover, OP - hope at least some of it's helpful.)
Good luck Charlotte, onwards and upwards!
I used to nap in the daytime, when I was working shifts and therefore needed to sleep at odd hours. However, when that was going on I was childfree so it wasn't a case of napping while someone else did all the work.
If you're living with an adult who is not working shifts but who sleeps randomly and expects to be indulged and everyone to be quiet then really, the only thing to do is say, go to the GP for a checkup or fuck off. If he won't see the GP then it's most likely that this is laziness and selfishness and therefore he should be dumped.
(OK, if it's a man who has previously been a good partner and done his share of the work etc it's possible that refusing to seek help could be due to fear of being told there's something really badly wrong, but a lot of 'mystery illnesses' in men are manifestations of selfishness and abusiveness.)
He won't get help because the situation suits him just fine as it is.
Says it all, really.
As a male thought I would shove my twopenneth worth in for good measure.
I am 49, work full time, have 3 dc smallest 4 yr old dd. I have NEVER had a nap in my entire life!!
Cant believe you let this lazy twunt get away with this childish behaviour.
I live for the weekends so that I can spend quality time with my awesome hardworking SAHM DW and my gorgeous DD.
Exactly why are you with him?
From what you've said you dont want to be with him but just cant make that leap.
It's not normal for a healthy person to be sleeping during the day like that. Unless they're just lazy.
I felt constantly fatigued and often needed to sleep and take naps. It turned out to have an underlying physical cause. A kidney problem of all things!
These are the things he does do: he works; the nursery is by his work and he takes the children to and from nursery; cooks every other day; empties the bins every week. If he gets up early and I get a lie in he then goes back to bed after I get up. He never cleans unless asked. He doesn't do any gardening. He gave up his season ticket but will sometimes go to matches and they are a 2 hour drive away. He doesn't really play with the children much. He can do but most of the time he just sleeps. I am the main earner and I own the house we live in.
Recently he went to bed for 2 days saying he was ill and he didn't have any symptoms at all. I had a friend come over and we went out. We have three children between us, came back sat in the garden. He stayed asleep the whole time. My mum came over. He stayed in bed saying he was ill. Most of the time he has no symptoms whatsover. And he says I have very little sympathy for him.
I think that the balance is still weighing in favour of staying.
Don't worry Charlotte. Its all about helping each other. Hijack all you want!
Oh and he got up at 7.30 with the children; the youngest one has gone down for a nap so he is back in bed now.
I DO taken apps sometimes, but I have no real choice about it. I have very disturbed sleep, as all 4 of my DC's have SN's, and the toddler is dxd hyperactive and only sleeps for 3-4 hours a night.
I also have epilepsy, which is exacerbated by lack of sleep. So I need to nap at least twice a week to catch up on sleep. And I also nap after a seizure, but I have no choice in that, as my body shuts down.
I only have an hour or two at most when I nap though, and it's rarely more than 3 times a week.
And even I think your DH is being an arse and checking out of family life.
You didn't say wether he is over weight ? This in itself can make someone sleep more .
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.