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Cutting myself off from my sister.

(7 Posts)
Roseformeplease Sat 22-Dec-12 15:52:47

Not sure if anyone can help, or if I just need to write this somewhere to help me be strong but here goes.

I am one of 4 sisters. One I get on with very well and we speak as and when we need /want to and see each other about twice a year as we live at the opposite ends of Britain. One lives overseas and we have a very superficial relationship. She drinks too much and is very difficult at times but is single so I feel should be in some contact as I know she is lonely, although very, very selfish and unreliable.

My 3rd sister also lives overseas. We fell out very badly two years ago over my father's funeral where she took over everything, refused to communicate and then told me the arrangements were none of my business. She is very wealthy (relevant - not jealousy) and has 3 young children. I have always continued to be send presents to her, her husband and children and never miss a birthday or Christmas. Not expensive gifts but carefully chosen and posted. We have had one or two cordial emails in the last year after I initiated direct contact. She occasionally sends my children emailed Amazon vouchers.

In the summer sent presents for children's birthdays and got no reply. Then, after 4 emails over months she finally, rather stroppily said they had sent thank you cards (not expected - they are young) and the gifts had arrived although there were no thank yous at all.

I sent Christmas presents and a birthday present for her and, again, she would not tell me they had arrived or respond to birthday greetings or any contact.

Yesterday my Mum's phone was cut off. She struggles with bills so I phoned BT who helped me sort it out. I texted all sisters to tell them I had sorted it out with BT and they were reopening her account.

This led to a string of angry and abusive texts from this sister. Apparently, my Mum has changed provider, my sister now has Power of Attorney and helps with legal / financial matters. Bill not with BT and she kept saying that the phone was not cut off and to butt out. However, I knew nothing of my sister running everything from overseas and was angry - I wanted my Mum to have a phone for Christmas. I contacted her actual provider, paid the bill and got her reconnected.

My sister's messages included a list if what they are / have helped with. Their money means they can be very generous and, no doubt, they will expect every penny back when my Mum downsizes or dies. They have told her it is loans which is all very well but they are spending her money on legal fees to get lawyers to sort out debts etc when I can do that for nothing.

Not really the point. Anyway, I have been unhappy since I posted the presents and she wouldn't reply, twice now. I am miserable because me trying to help my Mum (for which she was so grateful, once I could speak to her) led to my sister's first contact in weeks and it was nasty.

So, should I just cut my sister off? I think I have made up my mind to really. Her children will probably not miss the little gifts I send and she just makes me angry and sad and tries to make me feel guilty for not having loads of money to help my Mum with.

If you are still reading, you are a saint! Thanks

DeckSwabber Sat 22-Dec-12 16:31:09

What a horrible situation.

It seems odd that she is so keen to take charge if she is overseas.

Do any of you actually see much of your mum?

Who lives closest?

CleopatrasAsp Sat 22-Dec-12 16:38:20

She sounds an absolute pain. I wouldn't even bother with the gifts to be honest. Stick some money in a bank account for your niece/nephews if you feel you have to and then give it to them when they are older and you don't have to deal with Sister Dearest.

As for the Power of Attorney, you need to talk to your mum about this. Talk to her about how impractical it is for your sister - who lives overseas - to have Power of Attorney. It's going to cause your mum endless grief because, with the best will in the world, different time zones etc will make the whole thing very difficult.

DeckSwabber Sat 22-Dec-12 16:52:28

Also, your sister should not have been able to get POA without you being notified. Did this happen? If not you could get legal advice.

Roseformeplease Sat 22-Dec-12 17:51:50

Not, we were not notified about POA so, if she tries to do anything against our wishes we know it can be fought. Good idea re the bank account. Might start that later on. Did just speak to my Mum who says my sister does NOT have POA but only able to act with certain businesses on my mother's behalf. I think my sister just refers to it as that as she wants to feel important.

One sister lives 30 miles from my Mum, works about. 10 miles away. Two overseas. I am at the other end of Britain. Hopefully, when the close by sister moves (in a year or so) my Mum will move with her as she is getting very infirm and will need more and more help.

izzyizin Sat 22-Dec-12 19:51:54

Although your dm says your sister does not have POA, I would suggest you clarify exactly what 'certain businesses' she is empowered to act on on your dm's behalf.

With regard to the 'loans' your sister has allegedly made to your dm in the expectation that they will be repaid in the event that she downsizes/her death, I would again suggest that you clarify what documents, if any, your dm has signed in this respect.

If it transpires your dm has given your sister who lives abroad POA over her affairs, it would seem sensible that she gives consideration to rescinding this while she is compos mentis and grants POA to those of her dc who live in the UK, or to the dc she intends to live with.

I wouldn't rush to cease contact with your sister until you've obtained copies of any documents that your dm may have signed in her favour or in respect of loans made etc.

Is the overbearing sister who's taken it upon herself to interfere with organise your dm's affairs the eldest?

Roseformeplease Sun 23-Dec-12 13:30:16

Thanks izzy. No, I am the oldest one and the one nearby is the youngest. The two overseas are in the middle.

I agree about POA. Not least because it would be good to avoid an almighty battle down the line. My mother wants to move close to my youngest sister and so having her responsible (or her husband who is very sensible and grown up) would be ideal.

My Mum swears she hasn't signed anything but overseas / overbearing sister is married to a lawyer so who knows. What I might get my Mum to do is sign a POA in favour of the youngest which, presumably, will override any previous documents. The most pressing concern might be someone to deal with medical issues, as well as the financial ones. My Mum will probably live another 30 years and is mentally sharp (although a bit of a drinker) but she is physically struggling.

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