Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Coping strategies/words of wisdom needed(13 Posts)
Dh has some family memebers coming from abroad for xmas staying at his DP. For this reason - he will be going to his DP brielfy on box day and again for longer for a meal another night after xmas day.
The reason is - I do not go to his DP they have been so horrid to me over the years - culminating in his DM vrebally attacking me days after my DD was born and after I was bereaved of a very close loss....Things were never the same, I havant been to thier house in five years - altough there have been many occasions when we have extended the olive branch to them....DFIL makes " verbal" effort but its quite clear he dislikes me and DH very obvisouly - and DMIL doesnt make any effort at all with me. If they seen DH briefly they are more likely to be nice to him - but its blatently obvious they favour DSIL and she is obnoxious and horrid....
They are european so xmas eve is thier main night - in the past DH has taken DD to thiers for xmas eve - purely for his grannys sake - as she doesnt see DD often being abroad. Anyway on that occasion - it ruied our xmas day - I had spent months getting little bits and peices and was soo excited as her first xmas to enjoy it - but because she had essensially had xmas at PILS on xmas eve - come xmas day - she was saturated and I was heart broken.
We explained the following year WHY dh wouldnt be going on xmas eve - they didnt respond with any apologies for our xmas being ruined with DD merely " how do you cope with the meal AND opening presents on xmas day - the X tend to open presents the day before so they can concentrate on lunch the next day"!!!!
ie - why arnt you following MILS idea of xmas - instead of the classic - uk - open presents xmas morning WHEN FATHER CHRISTMAS HAS BROUGHT THEM!!!!!
anyway - in past - when other relis have been visiting etc - or on other occasions when DH refuses to do what they want - they dont just leave it - FIL tries to BOMBARD US - it makes me shake....as he has knocked on the door unexpecedly - so i feel like we are under attack as cant open door freely etc...he is a very very cold robotic man who will do anyting for MIL with no regard to common sense or his relationship with his son etc etc etc....DH has tried to avert this bombardment by already informing when he will be gong over with DD - but FIL has come back - " no mention of xmas eve!!!" ( DH will be working anyway).
I am now braced for the usual - phone calls - texts - emails which DH will probably ignore - as FIL wont take any other answer except what he wants - and then possibly be knocking on our door..
any ideas of how to cope!
I also have other stresses on me at the moment - and really really dont want this bloody hassle over xmas. FIl chills be to the bone - with his robotic likeness - you can never ever ever win in an arugment with him....and every year this hangs over our xmas.
In al lhonesty i think they are all bloody lukcy DD goes there at all - ( dd used to go to pils on regular basis but have cut that right back due to mils obsessive cleaning and I dont want her exposed to an environment that has sent my DH iunto major depression when lived there and has distbured me!)
Your DH definitely needs to step up and stand firm with his parents. You need to practise 'no, we have already made arrangements'.
A whole day dedicated to eating lunch?
These people are... different.
If you can't ever win with FIL then don't try and argue. Just stonewall him "no sorry, that doesn't work for us" or "no sorry, we told you we weren't coming" repeat ad infinitum. Speak in a monotone - don't get emotional - it won't sway him, only you will get upset
Good luck OP they sound vile. Each time you stand up to them it will get easier
Financial he will stand up - but as said the FIl doesnt NOT take no for an answer...
Annie - yes its perculiar isnt it!
Robot - yes good idea - i was just wondering how i cope - phycially shaking in the living room whilst he is " ramming" my DH verballly trying to guilt and shame him into leaving " us" to go there xmas eve!!!!
I like robotlover's strategy - play him at his own game....a couple of robotic emotionless pre-planned mantras and then shut the door....you probably hate being impolite don't you? People like that don't understand much else.
Families eh? Sorry you've got a nutty extended one (I do too!) Don't be hard on yourself - they're creating this situation for themselves.
OK let's turn this round. If he is behaving like this to your DH then actually DFil is out of control. Knowledge is power OP. Recognise the power you actually have. You've said "no" we're not going and he is in a rage because like a tantrummung toddler he isn't getting his way. So he bullies and tries to shame your DH. Change your mindset OP it's amazing how powerful that is. "Oh look the big bad bully is out of control again, how silly he looks"
What will actually happen if you don't go? Will he get aggressive? If yes, call the police. Will they vilify you to rest of family? Possibly, but you know the truth and that's what's important.
You have to be strong for your DH even if you don't feel it inside. (I do completely understand as my parents were like this.)
The first book I ever read was "if you had controlling parents" by Dan Neuharth, it was the start of my road to recovery - others on here have recommended Toxic Parents and Toxic In-Laws
Good luck OP - be strong
Thanks Robot, also wasnt aware of the controlling parents book- know about the toxic in law one but havant got round to ordering it yet.
We used to have major problems with them but over the years DH has come on with dealing with them and they have faded into back grond now but obvisoly at times like xmas - easter - etc they crop up and its the granny and the aunt and cousins ......
No he wont shout at all - he NEVER shouts or looses temper like that - he is more Nurse Ratchet in one flew over cuckoos nest....
he is more like a robot on one setting - a very hard business man with no feeling......
I wouldnt personally say anything to them because they accuse ME of course of taking him away so think its best it comes from him...but this is if they dont actually gain entry.
I have a feeling he will come with one of DH cousins...to try and get inside and " chat and persuade" and guilt etc....later on when they have arrived
I am already totally villified to rest of family and though hard at first have just about come to terms with all that hartred!!
we are more than happy not to answer the door - but difficult with DD who has just started to open the door and cant be quiet.....
Also its the feeling I feel now - worried about it! When we go out - I am looking over my shoulder!
ALSO i am afraid I will totally BLOW with him, as they have pushed me to the limit with thier behaviour etc...they dont understand how DH cold have possibly been unhappy or depressed with them - they blame that on everything else he was serisouly depressed - BUT then they go and CONTINUE to act like this!!!!
I don't think they ever will get it OP - you are both doing very well and have come a long way, just stay strong - I hope today goes ok for you and you get the Christmas you hope for
Isn't it 3 unwanted texts/emails that count as harassment??
have you considered telling him to fuck off when he knocks?
you arent obliged to be nice to people who are being actively awful to you.
Thanks all - unbeliveably on Saturday - after they were told what days my DH and DD would be going - a good friend of ours rang us to tell us - my DH PARRENTS......had contacted him thru a website!!! Asking him to call them back to have a ....." chat"....about us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I COULDNT belive it - you would think the granny was at deaths door and dh wasnt talking to them - and they were begging - please one more family do etc....
she isnt at deaths door and he is going there on boxing day and another day.
also =- the orginal schedule that we worked round - was since changed - and no one told us - so various family members are actually going back on differnet days - another occasions where no one tells us what they are doing then get shitty when we dont fall in line.
there was also a knock at our door late last night but we ignored it.
think we are past worst of it now - as tonight was thier speical night - i judst pray they arnt horrid to Dh when he goes on B day!
Next year of course - WE WILL BE AWAY!
They dont even know this friend - they have met him on several occasions but never made an effort with him - not wanted him over easter once when they were hosting a large group of people and this friend was at a looose end - and when they have spoken to him - totally patronised him....( he is 75)
Join the discussion
Please login first.