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Need some advice

(9 Posts)
allthatglittersisnotgold Fri 21-Dec-12 19:22:21

I just don't know if this is me or not? Have a turbulent relationship with my mum, try and be supportive with her. She always speaks to me how much she finds my dad irritating (they live together) I live with my DP a few hours away. She says she would be happier if she had her own little place and was seperated from my dad. I find this hard to listen to even though I am in my thirties. I tell her that not being with my dad would not be all roses that you think it would (he's not a bad person just "difficult").

However if it's not my dad in the bad books then it's me. Have just had a row as she came to visit and help me out whilst I was ill. Something was wrong when she arrived so I asked her and she kicked off, told her if she didn't want to come then she shouldn't have. She leaves and then ignores my calls for a few days, tells me that I should have known she'd had a bad drive! How could I have known? She seemed annoyed I had no food in, despite being in bed sick for 10 days! I jsut want this sorted out before x mas but she hangs ups or won't pick up.

In the past we've been very rocky, one incident that still upsets me. I had just moved away from home (for good) after university, but had a late exam (long story) from university that would affect my degree grade. I was strangely ill again the weekend before and for some reason we'd had another argument. She ranted at me, whilst I was trying to recover and prepare for my exam. Never rang to wish me luck just kept ranting at me. Luckily I got the grade I needed but I never stopped crying.

I am called inconsiderate and thoughtless. I know I am not the easiest person, but I try and be thoughtful. What do you think?

BelleoftheFall Fri 21-Dec-12 19:28:45

I think your mum might be one of those people that need to be angry at someone, so she finds a way. Her dissatisfaction and frustration with her own life gets a target in the form of those closest to her.

...part of her is probably glad when she has an "excuse" to have a go. Sorry sad

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 19:34:15

I think your mother is probably unhappy but, rather than do something constructive, she takes out her frustration by blaming others, being bad-tempered, childish and unpleasant. She may also be lonely... if she's telling you her personal problems, she can't have any friends to confide in.

Time to stand up to her and call her out on the unacceptable behaviour. It'll get her back up but it'll save your sanity. For example, it is totally wrong to bad-mouth your father to you, his daughter. He could be the devil incarnate but he is still your Dad and you should not be put in a position of taking sides in their marriage. I've had to tell my DM very firmly in the past exactly the same thing.

Deal with it the way you would any other bully. Take her off the Mum Pedestal, see her for what she is rather than what you want her to be, and be assertive. Good luck

allthatglittersisnotgold Fri 21-Dec-12 19:56:44

At my dad's birthday, we were at a restaurant and thought it would be nice to have a cocktail before dinner. She had this massively stressed air about her, that cocktails were taking too long and now dinner would happen too late. I don't know if this is an older person thing, but everyone else was just relaxed and soaking up the atmosphere. She doesn't "drink" but every now and then will have a few then be totally bad tempered. She isn't drunk, just very cross. I don't understand. When I am out with other people's families they can all have a few glasses of wine a good chat (sometimes heated) but no arguments. Even my DP did not understand why she was so furious. When questioned if everything was alright it made it worse.

She says my opinion of her (which I've told her) no one else can understand! Ok. Then. When I go home I always feel tense and tearful and it's only now I'm an adult that not being in her company actually makes me feel better than being in her company. When she's in a great mood I like being with her and we have a good chat. It must be the same for her when I am in a bad mood. I just don't know. If I bring this up now, she'll say I'm being argumentative, but I feel like I'm on eggshells with her waiting for her next bad mood.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 20:05:53

You don't say how old she is but I've certainly noticed with my parents (70's) that they get very uncomfortable & flustered these days if routines are disrupted or they think they're going to be late for something. Opinions have got more entrenched but at the same time they're more forgetful and they find it more difficult to follow an argument... which must be frustrating. Add a few physical failings like getting tired more easily or eyesight failing and tempers fray. So you do have to make a few allowances. But then it's a case of picking your battles and adjusting you expectations.

allthatglittersisnotgold Fri 21-Dec-12 21:27:40

Yes i think you're right. I do love her a lot. Which is always hard to stay angry at someone or see clearly.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 21:41:43

My DM hacks me off with monotonous regularity - latest disproportionately bad-tempered exchange about brandy butter and cream (long story) - and I sometimes wonder if I wasn't swapped with someone else at the maternity unit! She referred to Unmarried Mothers the other day with the same contempt that Lady Bracknell referred to a handbag!!... and, even though I think it was accidental, as a single parent, I felt pretty crappy for a while.

So I suggest keep asserting yourself.... big fat 'NO' for the really bad stuff, ignore the not-so-bad stuff & put a lot of the rest down to them needing a nap... confused

suburbophobe Fri 21-Dec-12 22:08:48

It might help you to read this book...

www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

allthatglittersisnotgold Fri 21-Dec-12 22:30:44

Oh i feel for you with the unmarried mothers comment. I once told her i didn't feel the need to be married to have children. That didn't go down entirely well. I also told them I wanted to be a hairdresser which resulted in a huge row, ending with, but we just want the best for you!! Nice. How can one still feel under control in their 30's. In an entirely frivolous note i've always wanted a nose job, but it upsets my mum a lot. So I won't do it as I don't want them to be disappointed. Is this normal? Does anyone ever do exactly what they like? I sometimes feel like i've never truly been myself. All very unimportant I know but just explaining.

What's interesting now is that she knows now I am financially independent and have my own lovely dp if she isn't a little nicer that's it. As I don't "need" her anymore which I obviously used to growing up. It's very liberating in a way. She would regularly put my things in plastic bags and threaten to chuck me out as a teenager. Very strange considering I was a sports playing, saturday jobbing, straight a student! With a long term bf. how bad could i have been?

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