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I'm pregnant, husband says he doesn't love me, I'm just lost.

(96 Posts)
MrsGwizz Fri 21-Dec-12 12:01:13

I am 31 weeks pregnant with my second child, my first DD is 4. I have been married for 9 years, together for 14. My husband has been very distant for the last 6 months and 2 weeks ago I challenged him and asked if there was something going on. Then the shit hit the fan! He says he doesn't love me, hasn't for about 2 years! I still love him and thought we were just having the same kind of ups and downs that everyone has. He says he's very depressed and the only way to fix it is for us to not be together, I can only see that this will make all of us miserable.

We don't have big, blow out arguements, but we have had a tough 4/5 years. My previous company was not happy about me having children and managaged me out of the organisation (when DD was 1), I was unemployed for 6 months which was hugely financially difficult and took a long time to recover from plus the impact on my self esteem etc. Then 2 years ago my mum died, quite suddenly, I didn't go to pieces as I had DD and other family members to consider. Now pregnant again my new company (I work FT) seem to be singling me out and I feel very uneasy about their intentions.

We have been to 2 counselling sessions where he has reiterated the fact that he wants us to split and feels that the counselling is to help me come to terms with this. I feel that we owe it to ourselves and our children to try and fix this.

He says there isn't anyone else but I can't see how he could be so committed to the idea of splitting without an attractive alternative option. I have said that if he wants to seperate then he needs to say that and leave, he won't committ to this. He is reluctant to talk to his family/friends about it because he doesn't want to look like a bastard. I don't want him to regret splitting and try to come back when I feel it's too late.

I have told my sister and she is very supportive but I just feel so alone, in limbo and scared that everything I wanted for my/our future is destroyed because of his mid life crisis.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 12:07:19

Sorry you're in this situation and it must be very distressing. Sadly, I think you have to take this on face value, accept the inevitable and start making arrangements for life as a lone parent. If he's been saying he wants to split for 2 years I don't think he's going to regret it and come back any time soon. Whether there is or isn't someone else is kind of by the by. Does it make it any better or worse if there is or if there isn't?

I don't understand this part I have said that if he wants to seperate then he needs to say that and leave, he won't committ to this sorry. What is it he won't commit to exactly?

MrsGwizz Fri 21-Dec-12 12:12:03

Thanks for replying, he hasn't been saying he wants to split for 2 years, he only said that 2 weeks ago. He won't commit to seperating, he won't leave because he says he feels guilty about leaving our DD, and I don't want him to leave because I don't think it will make him/me happier.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 21-Dec-12 12:17:42

If he wants to split up, he needs to pack a bag and fuck off today. A man who says he wants to split up but makes no move to leave is a tosser. What he's actually telling you is 'I want to have sex with other women (or maybe he is already having or seeking sex with other women) but I want you to carry on cooking and cleaning for me because you are frightened of being alone.'

izzyizin Fri 21-Dec-12 12:22:02

"I don't want him to leave because I don't think it will make him/me happier"

Thinking isn't knowing. The only way through this impasse is for him to leave so that you can both discover whether his absence from the family home makes either/both of you happier.

In common with yourself, I suspect there may be some lure that's pulling him away from what can often be humdrum domesticity and I reckon it's time to find out whiich magnet has the greater power.

Tell him that if he's not prepared to let family/friends know he wants out, you'll make the announcement for him.

Btw, attending counselling is a well-known cover for those who want to disguise the fact they're bastards getting their legs over elsewhere in the cloak of 'I did everything to save my marriage - I even went to Relate'.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 12:23:32

(Sorry I mixed up all the 2's) So he's basically just being cruel then? Doesn't love you, hasn't done for some time but is just going to lob that bit of news into your life like a hand-grenade and expect you to keep smiling and washing his socks like nothing happened? Don't let him take you for a mug. Bags packed and, as Solid so eloquently puts it, 'fuck off today'.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 21-Dec-12 12:30:06

I agree an "attractive alternative option" sounds like the most likely explanation (it isn't always, but this does sound like a classic case of greener grass syndrome). Bit naff of him to make you pregnant while he was fairly convinced he didn't love you, to say the least.

"He is reluctant to talk to his family/friends about it because he doesn't want to look like a bastard." Hmm, he could always try not behaving like one then.

Lueji Fri 21-Dec-12 12:31:40

If he wants out, then let him.

There is no point in forcing someone to be with you, as hard as it may be.

It's up to you to leave the door open for his eventual return or not, if you think he may regret his decision.
But the more you push for him to be with you, the more he'll step back.

And do protect yourself. Make sure you get legal advice.

Caladria Fri 21-Dec-12 12:32:11

Google 'depression fallout'

Lueji Fri 21-Dec-12 12:33:23

Oh, and he wants to not be together, but he doesn't want to leave the house?

So, he wants the comfort of home (and you cooking and cleaning for him, I bet), but not being with you?

Nice.

I'd definitely kick him out and tell everyone.

NomNomDePlumPudding Fri 21-Dec-12 12:39:06

he's a tosser - surely not loving someone is a piece of information you might want to share before embarking on a pregnancy, not midway through it? again, total cock. if he's not keen to break the news to family and friends, i suggest, for old times sake, that this is the last task you undertake for him. though you could also sling his stuff in a bag for him while you were at it, i suppose.

in terms of work, do you have a union at work? how long have you been there? there's a section on here where you can post for advice on work related issues (am in ireland so know nothing about uk labour law), i suggest you look into your position if you think your employer is considering your position - i guess related to your pregnancy?

i'm sorry you are going thorugh this.

MrsGwizz Fri 21-Dec-12 13:02:19

Thanks guys, I have spoken to an employment solicitor about work, he feels I have a strong case so for the moment that is less of a priority.
I don't want him to leave over christmas for my daughters sake rather than his or mine. I have been tempted to contact his brother and SIL about the situation in the hope that that they could kick some sense into him.

izzyizin Fri 21-Dec-12 13:11:55

It's often the case that the only way any sense can be knocked injected into husbands who are afflicted by a MLC is to kick them out of their marital homes.

Make it your New Year's Resolution to --put your toe up his arse- do the necessary.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 13:19:37

If he thinks he's depressed he needs to talk to a GP and get a diagnosis and treatment rather than taking it out on you with cruel statements and plans to leave. Kicking sense doesn't usually help with depression but neither does dismissing what is happening as a mid-life crisis.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 21-Dec-12 13:59:03

You can't bully or coerce someone into staying in a marriage the person wants to leave. But if he wants to leave, he needs to do so, not sit back and watch you turn yourself inside out trying to be the perfect wifey while he dangles the possibility of not leaving like a doggy treat.

familyscapegoat Fri 21-Dec-12 14:31:16

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, while you're pregnant at Christmas sad

But I haven't got even the slightest doubt what's going on. He's having an affair but they haven't got a place to live together just yet.

All will possibly be revealed if you look at his phone, although most men who drop a grenade like this seem to know that it's their wives' first logical conclusion, so they get a bit more careful about deleting the traces.

Sometimes an affair bring brought out into the open stops it in its tracks, but you might not be able to forgive and try again even if that happens.

You and your children might have a much nicer christmas if he left now, because the tension of playing happy families will be palpable.

And he does need to leave.

akaemmafrost Fri 21-Dec-12 15:08:23

He's having an affair and its probably been going on for about a year, hence the haven't loved you for 2 years nonsense. Tell him calmly that you KNOW this and hint at proof you have. Give him something to think about then you should kick him out. Let him know immediately and with brutal precision that this is how life will be for him now. It's so hard to do but it's the only way.

I am sorry this is happening to you I really am hmm. A man who says and does this to his pregnant wife is the worst possible kind of twat.

trustissues75 Fri 21-Dec-12 15:12:55

What a cock. I'm hoping that this actually is depression and an MLC....and that with help he'll get through it...but I don't have much of that. This is almost EXACTLY what my NSDH (still, unfortunately) did to me...except he did it in an email...from South Korea...after he left us in the UK with a suitcase of clothes and promises to come back for us...and he'd been on a secret holiday to Florida where he met a woman...and 2 months later jacked in his job and moved in with her....

All so very convenient...so sorry this is happening to you..short sharp shock..kick him out...either way you'll find out likely sooner exactly what the eff is going on.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 21-Dec-12 16:09:42

So sorry.

I am with solidgold - he wants to have his cake and eat it, all his home comforts plus OW (sorry (sad)).

the only thing that WILL motivate him is loss - kick him out and he might come to his senses.

worsestershiresauce Fri 21-Dec-12 16:26:32

Yup, he's definitely got someone else. I'm so sorry, but I'd put money.... a large amount of money on it. Make him leave, be the unattainable one. At the moment you are the reliable ever present wife who is desperate to keep him. Not attractive. Kick him out and tell him good riddance, if he loves you he'll come back, if he doesn't he'll be off and you'll have saved yourself months of misery and heartache desperately trying to be perfect and putting up will all kind of rubbish in the hope your marriage will survive.

MrsGwizz Sat 22-Dec-12 10:04:50

I felt it in my gut and it's true, he has "fallen in love" with someone else. Just found a lovely letter from her to him telling him how amazing he is etc etc. She's 17, he's 34, pretty sick in my opinion. I just can't believe he has done this to our children - what a shit.
He is going today, although I don't think he will be welcome at her parents house!

AlistairSim Sat 22-Dec-12 10:09:32

Boody hell!

I'm so sorry, OP.

How are you feeling?

Do you have someone around you to support you?

trustissues75 Sat 22-Dec-12 10:13:57

I'm so very very sorry...

trustissues75 Sat 22-Dec-12 10:16:28

Do you need any help/advice/pointing in the right direction regarding entitlements after he's moved out? If you do pm me.

tallwivglasses Sat 22-Dec-12 10:23:40

17? What a sad twat. Tell the world and get as much support as you can x

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