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paranoia is ruining me!!

(12 Posts)
sadpenguin Fri 21-Dec-12 11:35:43

hello! happy world not ended day.
I am stupidly extremely paranoid and if I don't stop its going to ruin my relationship. I think I am this way because of a shitty shitty relationship years ago, where my fiance cheated on me so many times and told so many lies.
Problem is, since then I've not been able to trust anyone. I am always 'on alert' for things going wrong and signs I am being lied to. Or cheated on. And its usually wrecked relationships because as we all know, if you go looking for things you will make them into bad things. My current boyfriend is one I want for life. And I know if I continue to treat him with suspicion, like the others, I will lose him.
Some of the things I have done to check up on him are laughable in my more lucid moments! And I want to trust so much, but I am finding it so so hard.
He knows how I am and tries to reassure me, but my suspicous mind still thinks he has an ulterior motive.
Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you just let go and trust?
thank you!

foolonthehill Fri 21-Dec-12 11:49:07

well, for a start I would avoid reading the relationships board at present.....

but seriously, if the deceitful relationship was years ago and you have not been able to let go of the distrust and hurt by experiencing normal, mostly trustworthy people it is probably high time you sought some individual counselling for yourself.

I think it is similar to anxiety issues...some people are anxious about perfectly reasonable things. When the source of the anxiety goes then they gradually return to normal. Other people have a generalised anxiety state, or even a specific anxiety which just does not go away whatever normal things are done...they need help to rebalance their lives.

You need some concrete steps (maybe even CBT) to prevent yourself from letting your trust issues spoil your life.

Make sure your counsellor is registered by BACP, or you may be able to access some counselling via your GP.

izzyizin Fri 21-Dec-12 12:09:45

How do you just let go and trust? You feel the fear and do it anyway.

If they're going to cheat, they'll cheat and, short of locking them up, there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

So they cheat and then they're history. It may sting for a while but, in common with Mayan prophecy, it's not the end of the world

You may feel that you want this particular bf 'for life', but presumably you've felt like that about others? If it turns out he's just for Christmas, you'll live to tell the tale and go on to find another 'soulmate' from the pool of X billion single/available males that are available on this planet.

Your mantra is 'the only certainty in life is uncertainty'. Get your brain around that concept and you'll handle the bad times as well as the good ones. You may even begin to appreciate the spontaneous joy that life has to offer those who love it.

Stop checking up on your paramours and start reining yourself in otherwise you'll live in a continual self-fulfilling prophecy of mistrust, jealousy, rejection, and disappointment.


christmaswhine Fri 21-Dec-12 12:27:38

good post by izzy - says it all.

I would add that YOU need to take full ownership of this problem and just force yourself to stop. You don't HAVE to quiz him or search through his stuff. You can tell yourself that you'll have a 24 hour period where you are not going to do it - and then extend this.

Keep going and what you fear will become a self fulfilling prophecy anyway

sadpenguin Fri 21-Dec-12 14:16:12

gosh thank you all so much.
I try so hard to stop myself snooping, and have managed to rein it in quite well recently. I will then get a hot, dizzy feeling which only goes away when i snoop. Very odd.
I agree with the self fulfilling prophecy too. Like if you're driving and you see a tree, concentrate on the tree, and you'll hit the tree!
And yes, the world will not end if it turns out he is an untrustworthy arse. But in 4 years he has not shown an inkling of arseness. That should tell me something! come on panda! And i shall stop reading the relationships board too. So does not help.

Feckthehalls Fri 21-Dec-12 22:20:36

just stop snooping

foolonthehill Fri 21-Dec-12 22:28:38

...the hot dizzy feeling is the obsession, relieved by snooping :the functional reward.

If you had an urge to..wash your hands/ turn lights on and off several times/ other obsessions associated with this feeling and relief from performing the action then you may get a label of obsessive compulsive disorder.

Are you obsessional/compulsive in other areas of your life? (unusual routines to keep things running smoothly/ compulsive cleaning/hoarding/etc).

I still think CBT might help you.

izzyizin Sat 22-Dec-12 01:08:59

In 4 years he has not shown an inkling of arseness

Well guess what, honey? You may just have found yourself a faithful soul keeper.

And keep on reading this board - if it's happening to others, it's not happening to you and, if it does, you'll be spoilt for choice as to what strategy you adopt to deal with it grin

<departs singing 'Always look on the bright side..'>

sadpenguin Sat 22-Dec-12 12:10:12

thanks all. And yes, I do get that hot dizzy feeling in other areas of my life too. And its only solved when I do what I was trying to avoid - eg making sure all my camera films are lined up left to right in order of ISO.. Until I know for sure they are in order I feel like I may pass out.
CBT for Christmas it is!
And yes, I feel he may be a keeper. Despite the shit I put him through.

always look on the right side of life, doo do, doo do do do doo do...

foolonthehill Sat 22-Dec-12 21:51:14

grin de doh de doh de doh de do de dum dee dee!

MrsMorton Sat 22-Dec-12 21:52:55

But if you keep snooping you might drive him away. Not being trusted is soul destroying.

HollyBerryBush Sat 22-Dec-12 22:37:44

So aany women post here abou paranoid men snooping anaccusing - perhaps you should read some of those threads about how emotionally abusive it is to control someone that way.

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