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Wedding in one month and wondering if it should go ahead? Please help me :(

(24 Posts)
Nicole2781 Fri 21-Dec-12 01:17:21

I'm meant to be getting married in just over a month and I don't feel like my dp is in love with me anymore.

He never talks to me or tells me how he's feeling. We argue a lot and I feel like he's only with me/going through with the wedding because of our ds who is 10wks.

We were just watching a film called sidewalks of New York and at the end dp asked me to explain 'our love'

I was stuck and then said I love him more than anything but I feel our relationship is a bit crap at the minute which it is as we argue/ignore each other a lot over silly things, hardly have sex anymore, don't do things together or even little things like give each other massages which we used to do a lot and enjoyed.
I do try, I love him so much and make the effort to cook him something nice or ask him if he wants to watch a film together or something little like that and he just doesn't appear to appreciate me or the effort I make. I sometimes wonder if he feels stuck and wishes he could get out of the wedding. Even more so now because of my answer to his question and then his reply was 'well cancel it then.'
It's like he's not bothered about how I feel. I then said even though most of the time he's joking around he makes comments about my weight (I'm a size 8 now and have a little muffin top but was size 6 and pretty skinny before ds) and it upsets me and I don't feel like he's attracted to me anymore. He said 'I'm sorry...I didn't mean to hurt your feelings' and then turned over and didn't say anything else.
Now I'm crying on my own downstairs (like a knob) wondering what to do?
We go on great and did nice things for each other before ds was born but not now. I know most couples find it difficult being new parents so I just thought it will get better but he said what's the point in getting married when you don't think our relationship is good at the moment and you are hoping it will when we are married?
I did think it would get better as by then we wouldn't have the stress of arranging a wedding, Christmas, moving into a new home although currently living with my parents and with a 10wk old ds.

Will it get better? How do I get him to talk to me? I say how I feel and he doesn't appear that bothered he just goes silent so then I wonder why I bother saying anything.
Please help with some guidance or anything really I'm lost sad

tallwivglasses Fri 21-Dec-12 01:45:48

He's the knob, not you. You're just the one making all the effort here. You're the one awake and crying now. What's he up to? Dump the fucker - or at the very least, cancel the wedding.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 21-Dec-12 01:54:48

He's pretty much told you he doesn't want to go through with the wedding, and it sounds like you're not that keen either. Cancel it. Then ask him if he wants to stay with you and DS, or not - and if he's 'not sure' then he needs to move out until he is sure. And are you sure that you want him? You don't have to stay in a couple-relationship just because you have a child.

Dottiespots Fri 21-Dec-12 02:13:41

mmmmm.....sounds like he might be feeling upset by your comment. Did you ask him to explain your love back? Might be an idea to go upstairs and snuggle up to him and if he responds positively then just cuddly and go to sleep (or whatever) but talk about it in the morning nicely.

JustCallMeDavesHorse Fri 21-Dec-12 02:19:24

I won't be much use... But put the wedding on hold. Wedding are stressful, but not to this extent.

Abitwobblynow Fri 21-Dec-12 03:07:16

Oh my goodness, all the red flags... I will highlight them for you:

He never talks to me or tells me how he's feeling (HE NEVER WILL). We argue a lot [this is called the 'power struggle' because you are trying to reach him and get him to talk to you, and he won't] and I feel like he's only with me/going through with (he is lazy and it is easier) the wedding because of our ds who is 10wks.

We were just watching a film called sidewalks of New York and at the end dp asked me to explain 'our love'

I was stuck and then said I love him more than anything but I feel our relationship is a bit crap at the minute which it is as we argue/*ignore each other* (passive aggressive withdrawal) a lot over silly things (power struggle), hardly have sex anymore (no intimacy, no connection because no talking which you CANNOT CHANGE), don't do things together or even little things like give each other massages (no mutual giving) which we used to do a lot and enjoyed.
I do try, I love him so much and make the effort to cook him something nice or ask him if he wants to watch a film together or something little like that (you try) and he just doesn't appear to appreciate me or the effort I make (rejection) (self-absorbtion). I sometimes wonder if he feels stuck and wishes he could get out of the wedding. Even more so now because of my answer to his question and then his reply was 'well cancel it then.'
It's like he's not bothered about how I feel (he isn't). I then said even though most of the time he's joking around he makes comments (emotional abuse, devalueing, undermining your self-esteem) about my weight (I'm a size 8 now and have a little muffin top but was size 6 and pretty skinny before ds) and it upsets me and I don't feel like he's attracted to me anymore. He said* 'I'm sorry...I didn't mean to hurt your feelings' and then turned over and didn't say anything else.* (meaningless apology to shut you up)
Now I'm crying on my own downstairs (like a knob) wondering what to do? (listen to your gut)
We go on great and did nice things for each other before ds was born but not now (why did you get pregnant? Was it an accident? What was his attitude?). I know most couples find it difficult being new parents so I just thought it will get better but he said what's the point in getting married when you don't think our relationship is good at the moment and you are hoping it will when we are married? (he is on to something there)
I did think it would get better as by then we wouldn't have the stress of arranging a wedding, Christmas, moving into a new home although currently living with my parents and with a 10wk old ds.

Will it get better?* How do I get him to talk to me?* (you can't. You never will be able to) I say how I feel and he doesn't appear that bothered he just goes silent (passive aggressive shut down) so then I wonder why I bother saying anything.
Please help with some guidance or anything really I'm lost

Nicole? I married someone like this, someone who was really nice when it was all nice but as soon as, like you, I needed support like yours he punished.

He doesn't want to be a father and he doesn't want to be a husband, I am sure just yet.
If you marry him you are signing up to lonliness and being cheated on. I am warning you! I was warned not to marry my H, that he would make me very unhappy and I am warning you now, don't ignore the above real problems!

Read Lundy Bancroft, should I stay or should I go? Please please read it. Don't sleepwalk into disaster.

Abitwobblynow Fri 21-Dec-12 03:09:22

To be kind to him he sounds young, depressed and overwhelmed. But those red flags are bad, believe me.

We were married, in love, H was thrilled to be a father but the above 'coping skills' sounded their doom, and that was years in.

Why did you get pregnant?

JustCallMeDavesHorse Fri 21-Dec-12 03:18:47

Have you got wedding insurance?

expatinscotland Fri 21-Dec-12 03:37:03

I would not marry this person.

notnagging Fri 21-Dec-12 03:39:27

I'd be running away from him pretty quickly. Marrying him won't turn him back into Prince Charming. Don't get stuck with him op when you obviously know deep down you know better. My sil married with doubts but was persuaded to go ahead because it would be embarrassing not to. She is now stuck with a husband who is emotionally abusive & has ruined her confidence. Don't do that to yourself.

BOFingSanta Fri 21-Dec-12 03:43:19

I would postpone the wedding.

This should be a happy, if challenging time.

Don't rush to marry if you are not in tune with each other.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 21-Dec-12 06:46:53

"I know most couples find it difficult being new parents so I just thought it will get better but he said what's the point in getting married when you don't think our relationship is good at the moment and you are hoping it will when we are married? "

Being a new parent is challenging, tiring and tempers can get frayed occasionally. But it's not acceptable, even in that situation, for partners to put someone down over their appearance, show no appreciation, sulk, stop caring etc. Having said that, it's alarmingly common for some (weak, inadequate, aggressive) men to start abusing their partners at the same time as the first child arrives.... emotionally if not physically. Insults, sulking, being offensive, withdrawing affection... all early warning signs.

So when he says 'what's the point in getting married', I would take that on face-value, postpone the wedding at least and stop accepting the mistreatment.... stop trying to please him. When you have a new baby to care for the last thing you need is to be pandering to an unreasonable partner.

Letsmakecookies Fri 21-Dec-12 07:59:19

Sweetheart, postpone the wedding if you have any doubts whatsoever, as marriage does not make everything magically better. Take time to work on your relationship issues and reconsider after some time.

Lavenderhoney Fri 21-Dec-12 09:35:52

Postpone the wedding- if you can't cancel the reception just call it a Christmas or ny party and go ahead with that rather than lose more money.

Cold feet are one thing, but this is more that isn't it? Don't let having a child with him cloud your judgement. Marriage isn't a life sentence and it won't be better for your dc if you are married and like this or worse.

raskolnikov Fri 21-Dec-12 10:07:15

You both sound very unhappy Nicole and your wedding day could be a disaster if you both feel like this (never mind the marriage ahead of you). You both need to be 100% sure this is what you want.

Cancel it now and get your DP to sit down and talk sensibly about what you're doing and what you both want. If necessary, try counselling. Having a 10 week old baby is enough stress in itself without adding to it. You both need to be focussing on your recovery and your new baby, the wedding can happen at any time in the future when you're both ready. There's no rush.

Xales Fri 21-Dec-12 10:40:55

I don't think you need to cancel the wedding I think you both need to sit down and have a proper talk.

You have a 10 week old baby - very stressful.

Christmas is coming - stressful.

You are planning a wedding - very stressful.

You are moving - stressful.

You are living with your parents - may not be easy for him.

That is a bloody lot going on for anyone.

He is not avoiding being with you. He spends time with you it is just not the same as pretty baby. I don't know how long you have been with you folks hut massages etc in a parents house would be uncomfortable to me.

Perhaps he thinks he is giving you time and space after the baby.

How are you financially? I assume you are on maternity . Will you be going back to work or staying with the baby? It can be scary and stressful worrying about money.

Sit down and have a proper talk. If you are saying but the relationship is shit of course he is going to get defensive.

If nothing changes then postpone the wedding until some of the stresses are gone and see if things improve.

Xales Fri 21-Dec-12 10:41:38

Pre baby flaming auto correct

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop Fri 21-Dec-12 20:01:01

Erm...all the posters saying "talk to him" etc ... HELLO - OP is a size 8 and he makes comments about her weight.

OP is a size 8 and he makes comments about her weight FFS!!!!

He is being abusive, he cannot be reasoned with.

strawberrypenguin Fri 21-Dec-12 20:06:06

If you have to ask that question then you shouldn't be getting married. I'm sorry you feel so hurt be kind to yourself.

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 21-Dec-12 20:12:38

What Lavenderhoney said. If getting married turns out to be the right thing for both of you, then you haven't lost anything by waiting six months or so to get hitched. If it isn't what you want, it's much harder to undo it later down the line

Lueji Fri 21-Dec-12 20:38:21

Yes. I am a size 8 and I know I need to PUT ON weight.

He's not on at all.

theleanandhungrytype Fri 21-Dec-12 20:40:14

I agree with xales. Isn't it worth talking to someome properly rather than just cancelling a wedding

monkey42 Fri 21-Dec-12 23:18:17

another one with xales. You are both under mega stress. you have a 10 week old baby for goodness sake, quite apart from the rest of it. I also agree no harm in postponing a wedding, but talk to him.

JamieandtheMagiTorch Sat 22-Dec-12 06:44:06

I agree with CogitO

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