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DH's inheritance - AIBU to expect him to think of the family?

(49 Posts)
namechangedtoprotectthemardy Thu 20-Dec-12 23:30:17

Yes, I know I've asked an AIBU question but thought it more appropriate to post under 'relationships' ....

DH's dad suffered from dementia for the last 5 or so years of his life and had to move into care for the last couple of years. He lived at the other end of the country so as well as being emotionally draining, supporting him also had a huge practical impact on our family life - with DH spending one in four / one in three weekends up with him, and trying to manage FIL's affairs from a distance the rest of the time.

FIL unfortunately died a year or so ago and so DH again had to spend lots of time away clearing the house, getting it ready for sale, periodically visiting to make sure it was ok etc. which again had a big impact on the family. At the time I'd just given birth to DS2 and also had a 6 year old DS1.

6 months or so ago it did sell and DH inherited half of what was left after care bills were paid ... but that's another story.

At that time DH had recently lost his job and was wanting to start his own business so was using the money to fund himself while he found something he wanted to do. (He has since used a small amount of the money to startup an internet business but it is something that will be a real slow burner and so is unlikely to generate income for a year or so, even then it is likely to be a few hundred pounds a months so a nice supplementary income but not something to live off.)

DH has also used some of the money to fund some -strictly limited! building works we needed doing to enable us to carry on living where we are now DS2 has come along.

What keeps bugging me, even though I keep telling myself that it's DH's decision to make, is that in none of this has he ever considered using any of the inheritance for anything family related - he spoke about us taking a couple of weeks away to chill out after everything that's happened but in the end that didn't materialise and it's now a vague, 'why don't we have a week or so camping next year'.

Wouldn't it be a natural thing to do to do something that gave you quality family time? Again it's his decision but I think why it keeps coming back into my mind is what this says about his attitude towards the family as a priority.

AIBU? Is it a 'man thing', just a different perspective on things? Or would you be feeling mardy too?

Thanks for bearing with the long rambling post .......!

namechangedtoprotectthemardy Thu 20-Dec-12 23:31:52

... I've just reread the title of the thread and I know DH is thinking of the family in funding the building works (we were going to do that anyway by extending the mortgage). It's more the touchy-feely stuff that doesn't seem to have crossed his mind.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 23:33:08

What would be normal in a marriage of equal partners is that any large parcels of cash either coming into the household or going out of the household would be jointly discussed and you would both have a say. Why hasn't that been happening?

Viviennemary Thu 20-Dec-12 23:36:32

I think he is just being cautious which is quite understandable. He has made some improvements to the house. I think since the money has been left to him it should be his decision what happens to it. But that's only my opinion and I realise people will think differently.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Thu 20-Dec-12 23:38:51

sounds like it is all going to disappear in a puff of smoke to me (other than the building work)

Crikeyblimey Thu 20-Dec-12 23:38:57

I am about to get an inheritance from my late mum's estate and dh and I have already discussed what we will do with it.

I do feel I have a slightly bigger say in these decisions, there is no way I see this as "my" money. It will ALL be used to make our lives as a family more comfortable.

I appreciate it is a tough one as I am quite overwhelmed by it. My dad died many years ago and this is the only thing I now have from my parents so I feel very responsible for using it wisely. Dh has said it is ultimately my decision what to do but we have discussed it to come to a decision that is best for our family.

Viviennemary Thu 20-Dec-12 23:42:58

Crikeyblimey I think you have got this absolutely right. I wasn't suggesting that the OP's DH should spend it on himself only that it should be more his decision as to how the money was spent for the good of the family.

parsnipcake Thu 20-Dec-12 23:48:06

I inherited quite a lot of money when my mum died last year. I have real difficulties in accepting it, and haven't got my head around it yet. My dh and I have a very mutually supportive relationship but I don't see it as his( or my) money , I have bought some things with it - a new pc for him and a holiday for the family but most of it is just sitting in the bank. It's not about equality, but an emotional connection I have that he doesnt. Maybe it's a matter of time? Fwiw, I felt terrible about using it for a holiday, that I was wasting money my mum has worked for on something frivolous.

namechangedtoprotectthemardy Thu 20-Dec-12 23:51:49

Thanks for all the speedy responses,

Cogito - DH is quite prickly over seeing it as his money and to be honest I haven't pushed it as I feel this would come over as being mercenary / controlling.

Izzy - that's another of my concerns too. DH just hasn't been interested in looking for another job til now. To start with it was a case of researching what business he wanted to set up, then it was doing all the set up work, now I think it's dawning that the business will be a nice additional income in time but won't provide a full time income. I asked some searching questions when he said he wanted to try the business but he seemed to have done his homework around it. Since then I've been seriously biting my tongue about it. I know if I express negative views about it, it will just antagonise him - he needs to come to the realisation himself and I think he's getting there. What is particularly galling is that he's wanted to carry on with our childcare arrangements all this time - so we're still paying for a nanny to cover the hours I'm working sad. I'm worried that he won't do anything serious on the work front until the money looks like it's running out!

So, there's lots more fundamental issues going on here but, if the money is going to just disappear it would be nice if the family had some special experiences to remember - something to recharge our emotional batteries after all the strain from FIL's illness.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 23:54:23

You're going to have to raise it unilaterally then because he's clearly going to say nothing. "I've had a great idea how we could spend some of that money..... etc". Not mercenary at all.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Thu 20-Dec-12 23:56:48

You are paying a nanny - while he is effectively at home not working.

It will disappear and quickly - can the nanny, seriously, you are going to be left with no money.

It is not his money, it is family money, I am sure his dad would have wanted it to benefit the children.

We stand to inherit a fair bit from DHs mother at some point, there is no way he would consider it anything other than "ours", assuming we can somehow manage our plan to help her stay at home and it doesnt disappear on care fees - she has made her views quite clear, if it is possible she wants to stay at home, we are considering when the time comes dh staying mid week with her and travelling to work 2 hours a day (leaving me with 3 small DCs).

Id be horrified if DH wanted to pay for childcare while he was home and vice versa, playgroup, holuday activities yes, nanny - no way.

mirpuppet Fri 21-Dec-12 00:02:41

I actually don't think it is odd -- its was his father; he may be grieving.

If you have issues with it you need to speak up.

BellaVita Fri 21-Dec-12 00:06:45

I inherited some money in June from my grandad. The boys also inherited some in their own right, which we have put in Junior ISA's for them which is being topped up by us every quarter with our solar panel money.

DH said the money was mine to do with what I liked. I said no it was ours and we thought it would be nice to buy something as a keepsake for us. We chose a really lovely watch for me and a wedding ring for DH - he had known my grandad for 30 years, only 17 less than me.

namechangedtoprotectthemardy Fri 21-Dec-12 00:13:41

Izzy I know, I know. I agreed with it initially as it had been such a nightmare finding quality childcare for a newborn and 6 yo (our school doesn't have a breakfast club) that a nanny seemed the best option. As I thought initially that DH's not working was going to be short-term I could see the point in having some continuity of childcare so we didn't have to go through the hassle (and trauma for the children) of finding someone else who suited.

I think I'm hanging back on all this as I don't want to be seen as the one who's making demands on DH to get back into work when he's wanting to make a career change and just trying to find the right niche to get into. His last career was well paid but v high pressure and long hours. If he feels I'm wanting to push him back into that it won't be helpful. I have suggested he just picks up some seasonal unqualified work as a way of getting some income but it just fell on deaf ears sad.

If he feels he's being pushed he'll just react against it and it will turn into an argument between he and I.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Fri 21-Dec-12 00:16:54

I understand where you are coming from - but I think it needs an argument, the nanny needs to go.

An internet business can work around when you are home.

If you carry on saying nothing, imagine how resentful you will feel when you are all left with nothing.

(sorry am in early labour while DH sleeps so distracting myself online).

namechangedtoprotectthemardy Fri 21-Dec-12 00:20:36

ooooh, we've made the 'most active threads' list grin

Izzy - early labour!! You need to be resting missus not MNing, though I can understand the need for a distraction. Hope it's going well - is it your first??

PiccadillyCervix Fri 21-Dec-12 00:22:15

NO money is his money.

All money is JOINT money

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Fri 21-Dec-12 00:27:33

Your communication really doesn't sound great. All biting your tongue and trying not to set him off.

That's not how spouses should be communicating.

likeatonneofbricks Fri 21-Dec-12 00:28:21

Izzy, are you different from izzy grin? having two is confusing haha.

likeatonneofbricks Fri 21-Dec-12 00:32:39

I don't neccessaarily agree that 'no mone is his money' - he has the moral right to put something aside for himself (future business or other unexpected expenses) and then as a decent husband spend a big part of it on the family (discuss with wife as to how to spend). No one gas a guarantee in life that their spouse will not leave, there is still individual rights in te marriage. Law agrees btw as on divorce a spouse NEVER gets exactly half of the wealthier one's money, why should they (if we are not talking of very low incomes where benefits come into play, possibly).

likeatonneofbricks Fri 21-Dec-12 00:33:18

necessarily lol

Izzyschangelingisarriving Fri 21-Dec-12 00:34:52

no its my 4th, I cant sleep.

Yes there are 2 Izzys and we are both night owls as well which confuses people!

Like yes some - but seriously, paying a nanny when he is at home is plain wrong.

namechangedtoprotectthemardy Fri 21-Dec-12 00:37:01

Holdme I know, like I say there are some fundamental issues going on here which is probably why I'm over reacting on the inheritance thing.

DH did have a low patch a short while back and was receptive when I suggested talking to someone around career counselling (and also around our communication) but since he's felt better this seems to have disappeared - it's a bit of a theme to be honest, things get emotional, we agree something and then as soon as everything's on an even keel again the agreement gets forgotten.

I think I need to have a real focus on this in the New Year - I don't want to disrupt Christmas but as soon as DS1 is back at school I'll try to get us some child-free time when we can discuss what's going on. deep breaths needed!

DeckSwabber Fri 21-Dec-12 00:37:51

It sounds as if your husband is all at sea at the moment - losing his father and his job, having the job of dismantling his parents lives. He probably feels really mixed feelings about the money.

I agree he is probably grieving - and processing the impact of years of being a carer. He may nit appreciate the impact it has had on ALL of you.

Do you think he wants to get a job again? I wonder if he had a job he might feel more relaxed about enjoying a little bit of the inheritance.

Izzyschangelingisarriving Fri 21-Dec-12 00:38:38

Poor you, it sounds like you have been having a hard time for a while with DHs dads illness as well.

Very difficult subject to broach, money issues always are.

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