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DD assaulted by her father

(109 Posts)
SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 20-Dec-12 19:37:46

I dropped off my DD (11) for contact with her father this afternoon, she was due to stay with him for a few days until Christmas. A couple of hours later she phoned me in hysterics asking me to pick her up, she said her dad had been verbally and physically abusive (he grabbed her by her scarf and pushed her into a wall). I am too far to go to collect her (it would take me 2 hours to get there) but a very good friend went to pick her up. She is now safe at my friend's and I will go to pick her up in the morning.

I am understandably very upset. My ex was emotionally, financially and eventually physically abusive to me when we were together and we split up when DD was a baby. I never thought he would be physically abusive to her,, otherwise I wouldn't have let her stay with him, but there had been signs lately of some emotional abuse.

Should I report this to the police? After all if a stranger had done this to her, I would. There would be no going back from this, but anyway there is no way she is going back there.

Sorry I am rambling a bit but I am all over the place right now, and just need to let it out.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 23:11:34

Skaffen Whatever judge ordered that contact, needs to be removed from his position, thats disgusting, its like insisting a pedophile is allowed contact with the victim.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Fri 11-Jan-13 23:05:18

I understand a lot better what many of you have been telling me with regard to contact, after reading a thread where the OP's eldest child, younger than mine, has been assaulted by the violent ex-H and he still has 15 h court-ordered contact per fortnight, that is just so awful. I feel fortunate in that my ex is very unlikely to insist on contact.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Fri 11-Jan-13 21:48:54

Don't worry mummytime, as I said upthread, over my dead body!

mummytime Fri 11-Jan-13 21:31:27

Do remember contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child, not the parent. So please do fight as much as you can for her right not too see her father if she doesn't want to.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Fri 11-Jan-13 21:22:58

Indeed Nickname, that's how I'm seeing it. DD doesn't want any contact with her dad, she's even deleted his number from her phone (unprompted). Having said that, and knowing him, it's very unlikely that he will insist on contact. Now I must remember to check if the maintenance payment comes through this month, if not, I'll be making a claim via the CSA!

NicknameTaken Fri 11-Jan-13 10:23:26

It's frustrating that it didn't get taken any further, but having the assault on the official record is hugely useful.

Depending on what your dd wants, indirect contact mediated through a third party isn't necessarily a bad thing. But if she doesn't want further contact at this point, I don't think he should be allowed to insist on it.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 10-Jan-13 15:34:42

Yes I suppose you're right cestlavie! I hope he will not come asking to see her again at anytime in the future, but if he does he will get short thrift! He might try to get indirect contact via his niece, who my DD is quite close to. She doesn't know what's happened yet as she's away but I'll let her know as soon as she gets in touch.

cestlavielife Thu 10-Jan-13 15:25:17

i think that was expected outcome tbh - as no obvious injuries eg if she had ended up in hospital with recorded injuries might have been different....

so long as dd safe and it is on record and she knows she doesnt have to see him unsupervised, ever, then that is what counts.

dyu think he will come asking to see her again in few weeks/months?

Dahlen Thu 10-Jan-13 15:06:23

I know it's disappointing and might seem like he's got away with it, but like you say, it's all on record and you have your justification (if ever needed) for stopping contact. More importantly, your DD is safe, and she's seen you champion her interests. That will have a really positive effect on your relationship that will only become more apparent over time. You should feel proud of yourself. smile

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 10-Jan-13 14:40:55

Atleast, its on record and SS are aware, just incase he tries something, you never know with bullies.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 10-Jan-13 14:33:42

Have just had a call from the child protection officer and he's read my DD's statement, reviewed the case with his superior and they are not going to take it further. It is common assault but not serious enough to justify arresting the bastard. Also because DD will not be having any further contact with him she is no longer at risk. The police officer is going to call him though, to let him know that the assault is on record.

I am a bit gutted that he won't even get his fingers rapped, I have to say, but I understand why they can't do any more. At least it's on record in case I need it in the future.

I'll still be complaining about the way it's been handled and how long it took to get there though, I've had to spend so much time on the phone to make sure something was happening, I don't think that's right.

I want to thank everyone who gave me advice and support on this thread, it's been invaluable and very very helpful thanks

Ilovefluffysheep Thu 10-Jan-13 14:32:44

If you can't find out the name of the Sergeant, phone up the control room, and tell them you want to make a complaint to the Inspector. It should get resolved fairly quickly after that (with a bit of luck!).

auntmargaret Thu 10-Jan-13 13:29:58

Skaffen, have been following the thread. I'm in Scotland so it might be slightly different, but whenever I need to progress a crime report (I work in criminal justice) and I feel the officers involved are body swerving it, I write to the Divisional Commander (in charge of that police area) and I cc it to the Chief Constable of the whole force. It always gets results. Good luck, hope your DD is feeling better.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 10-Jan-13 13:01:14

Well finding out the name of the sergeant on duty at the time the assault was reported is not easy!

I phoned 101 but all they could give me was the phone number of the police station. Nobody answers that phone, I've tried and tried and tried, letting it ring for ages (until I'm disconnected). There is no answerphone. I guess they are all too busy to answer the phone.

I have sent an email enquiry to the police station in question asking for the name and/or email address of the sergeant in question, hopefully someone will get back to me with some useful information.

On the positive side, I have phoned the police officer at our local police station who took the statement from DD, and she said that the child protection officer I spoke to yesterday has called her and has now been sent my DD's statement. So now hopefully things should start moving!

NicknameTaken Thu 10-Jan-13 11:45:25

Even with the way things turned out, I don't think it was the wrong decision to make. We can't wrap our dcs up in cotton wool; we can only give them the tools to deal with problems when they arise.

(Blatantly stolen from wise advice another poster gave me!)

SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 10-Jan-13 10:58:36

Nickname, what you say in your second paragraph about not romanticising an absent father etc is exactly why I allowed contact in the first place. So thanks!

NicknameTaken Thu 10-Jan-13 10:28:34

Skaffen, in case you are feeling guilty about allowing unsupervised contact, I just wanted to say DON'T. While I agree with everything Dahlen says about it being wrong for abusive men to have unsupervised contact, in practice, it's very, very difficult to prevent it until such time as some harm can be shown. The resident parent's belief that harm is likely doesn't amount to very much. You could have fought unsupervised contact for years, lost a pile of money, gained a reputation (unfairly) for being hostile to contact, and not made any difference at all.

And although this was shocking for your dd, she knows what her father is really like now. She understands why contact can't go ahead. She is not romanticizing an absent father, or longing for contact that she dreams might be wonderful. Even though it was a bad experience, it was mitigated by the fact that she was believed and supported and that it was made extremely clear that it's not okay for her to be treated like that. It's not a tragedy that events have unfolded like this.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Wed 09-Jan-13 22:40:41

Thanks Hearts, I know I am biased as her mum, but she is really a lovely, lovely girl and I can't understand how anyone could treat her like this, least of all her father. She seems to be coping at the moment, she was quite pleased to get back to school and see all her mates again.

And thanks also lily, that's useful information about charging advice, I will make sure I ask about that.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Wed 09-Jan-13 22:24:55

Skaffen, I have no advice to add or experience to share but wanted to commend you for your strength/perseverance/support of your DD. Sounds like she is coping ok - hope that continues to be the case.

LilyontheLeaf Wed 09-Jan-13 22:04:10

Hi OP,

Can I second what Ilove said about the statement - your daughter's first two statements, if made in the presence of an AA and with a declaration of truth signed by all relevant parties is definitely admissible in court.

It is often best practice to get a video ABE ("Achieving Best Evidence" - effectively an interview with the child that it taped) but this is by no means mandatory.

It is also usual (although not mandatory) that the police undertake a "truth and lies" exercise with the young person - a series of exercises to determine whether they know the difference between a truth and a lie.

If I were you, I would establish whether charging advice has been sought in respect of this case before you subject your poor girl to more questioning. The police/CPS will have all the information they need from the first statements. Are going to charge him or not? You have a right to the details of the charging decision, and if no further action is to be taken, an explanation.

Hope that Helps.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Wed 09-Jan-13 21:16:03

Thanks Ilove, that's extremely helpful.

So far as I understand from what you said, the second statement that my daughter gave should be acceptable as I was there and she shouldn't need to give a video interview. I've asked her about this and she has no objections to giving yet another statement, just said that she's forgotten a lot of the detail, which is completely understandable.

I think what's likely to have happened is something like your option b), where our local station was very helpful and took the statement. However (and I didn't mention that in my OP I don't think) they then didn't seem to know where to send the statement, which I did find worrying. I had to supply them with the name and shoulder number of the reporting officer, who said later that he had not heard from my local force and even less received anything...

I will continue making a nuisance of myself by phoning regularly for updates (very politely!) and will also start a complaint procedure, in the hope to get somewhere with this.

Ilovefluffysheep Wed 09-Jan-13 18:45:16

I am a police officer, and just wanted to offer some help as to why this has turned into a bit of a nightmare!

Incidents that happened in different force areas are a total pain in the butt to report. You would think it would be easy, but it isn't. As an example - you live in London, and went to Liverpool for the weekend. Whilst there you were assaulted. You were unable to report it at the time due to getting medical attention, then having to return to London. You would think that you could walk into your local police station in London and it would be dealt with simply?


Option a) Your local station refuses to take any details at all as it didn't happen in their force area. They tell you you go and phone Liverpool Police.

Option b) Your local station are quite helpful, take the report and even take a statement from you, then tell you that all the paperwork will be sent to Liverpool. From there you either 1) Never hear anything from Liverpool and they deny ever receiving anything, and your local police can't help as they say they sent it, 2) Keep chasing Liverpool and about 3 months later they eventually receive the paperwork, or 3) some kind of variation of 1 and 2 put together.

Option c) Your local station are semi helpful, take a crime report, but don't take a statement, then tell you it will be sent to Liverpool as per option b). problem with this is that Liverpool need a statement, they are unlikely to be allowed to come to London to take it, so then there is a stand off between Liverpool and London to get the statement done.

If you think this is a joke, sadly its not. Is it right - definitely not.

Anyway, please keep chasing, start mentioning complaints, and something might start to happen. You shouldn't need to complain, but sadly it helps. Supervisors don't like complaints, as then they actually have to do some work!

Can I ask a question - the second statement your daughter did, were you there? If not, was another adult? Anyone under 17 needs an appropriate adult with them. Depending on her age (I think you said she was 11?) it is perfectly acceptable to do a written statement, but most forces and child protection cases do like to do a video interview instead. However, if a statement has already been given and covers everything, there should be no need to do this as her evidence has already been covered in the written statement.

Please perservere with this. As a service we do get it wrong (more often than we should sadly) but as I say, with resources cut to the bare bone, it is only those that shout the loudest that get heard, so keep complaining until you get somewhere.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Wed 09-Jan-13 16:40:57

oh, and thanks mrsL blush

SkaffenAmtiskaw Wed 09-Jan-13 16:40:01

I only have the name of one of the officers, but I have both their "shoulder numbers". I'll give it a go!

Dahlen Wed 09-Jan-13 16:36:59

If you know the names of the officers who first came out to your DD, and have the time and date they attended, a call to your local constabulary should be able to get your their Sergeant's name.

Good luck.

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