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DD assaulted by her father

(109 Posts)
SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 20-Dec-12 19:37:46

I dropped off my DD (11) for contact with her father this afternoon, she was due to stay with him for a few days until Christmas. A couple of hours later she phoned me in hysterics asking me to pick her up, she said her dad had been verbally and physically abusive (he grabbed her by her scarf and pushed her into a wall). I am too far to go to collect her (it would take me 2 hours to get there) but a very good friend went to pick her up. She is now safe at my friend's and I will go to pick her up in the morning.

I am understandably very upset. My ex was emotionally, financially and eventually physically abusive to me when we were together and we split up when DD was a baby. I never thought he would be physically abusive to her,, otherwise I wouldn't have let her stay with him, but there had been signs lately of some emotional abuse.

Should I report this to the police? After all if a stranger had done this to her, I would. There would be no going back from this, but anyway there is no way she is going back there.

Sorry I am rambling a bit but I am all over the place right now, and just need to let it out.

ThePinkOcelot Thu 20-Dec-12 19:39:08

I would definitely report it! That is not on at all. Your poor DD, hope she's ok.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 20-Dec-12 19:42:20

she's really upset but safe, which is the main thing.
I really want to report it but wonder if I should talk it over with DD, or should I just make the decision, as the responsible adult?
I can't think straight.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 19:42:34

Yes, report it. She's not going back now and, if there are any formal access agreements in place, the report will be useful in making your case. He obviously hates women - any size. Hope she's OK.

tribpot Thu 20-Dec-12 19:43:09

You need to send a very clear message to your DD that you will not tolerate violence towards her, whether from her father or any other adult.

Hope she isn't too shaken by the experience.

PorkyScratching Thu 20-Dec-12 19:45:00

Please report it, protect your daughter at all costs.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 20-Dec-12 19:45:24

Thanks for your replies, you are all right, I will report it. She needs to know this is not to be tolerated. I'll call when I feel a bit more together, I 'm very tearful right now and I don't think I'd be able to speak without bursting into tears.

izzyizin Thu 20-Dec-12 19:46:55

How far is it to your friend's home? Why can you not pick your dd up tonight? You say you're 'all over the place' but what about how she's feeling?

How often does your dd have contact with her f? Is her contact subject to any Court order?

You are best advised to make it a priority to get your dd home and report this matter to the police and, ideally, you should be doing this tonight.

izzyizin Thu 20-Dec-12 19:51:21

When you report this matter to the police they will want to speak to your dd before giving consideration to further action.

If it took you 2 hours to take your dd to her f's address, does this mean the inicident occured in a regional police authority that is different to your own?

LemonBreeland Thu 20-Dec-12 19:51:36

I think it is important that you report it for future custody issues.

perplexedpirate Thu 20-Dec-12 20:01:24

Report it. No doubt whatever.
By not reporting it you are implying its ok, and it is anything other than ok.

perplexedpirate Thu 20-Dec-12 20:02:20

Sorry, just seen you are reporting it.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 20-Dec-12 20:02:56

Izzy, I would go and collect her if I could, believe me, but she's over 2hours drive away and I've had a drink so I can't drive there, but I'll go first thing tomorrow. She is quite safe at my friend's, she's known her all her life and is friends with her children. DD normally sees her dad every other weekend, it's an informal arrangement, no court orders.

Anyway I have spoken to the police (different one from my local one, I called the local one and they put me through), I was told they will contact my friend within the hour and will also get in touch with me by phone.

Offred Thu 20-Dec-12 20:03:45

I agree why not go and get her tonight? I'm not sure I could report it without speaking to her unless I called the police straight away to pick her up. I'm not sure I could be without her either.

Offred Thu 20-Dec-12 20:04:48

Xpost. Would the police bring her back?

SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 20-Dec-12 20:07:25

Believe me Offred I would be on my way already if I could, it's very upsetting not to be able to be with her. I have spoken to her a few times and she's no longer hysterical, I know my friend is taking good care of her.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 20-Dec-12 20:08:32

xpost again! I don't know if the police would bring her back, but at this point I think that would be more upsetting than staying in a familiar and comforting place with people she knows and love.

ChangingWoman Thu 20-Dec-12 20:22:31

Well done for reporting this. Whatever happens next, it sends a strong message to your daughter that her Mum is on her side and will look after her.

A relative hit me in anger when I was a teenager and my mother chose to do nothing (and prevented others from acting) in order to "keep the peace" and avoid "splitting the family". I still love her but looking back, her actions did far more psychological damage than the assault. She was not as brave and sensible as you.

tribpot Thu 20-Dec-12 20:28:01

Well said, ChangingWoman.

Offred Thu 20-Dec-12 20:30:07

Maybe! :/ awful, worst nightmare!

izzyizin Thu 20-Dec-12 21:03:05

I suggest you arrange with your local police to make a formal report tomorrow when dd is home with you.

From what you've said, it would seem that your regional police authority may need to liaise with their counterparts in your ex's area. If they interview your ex they'll pass a report to his local SS who will, in time, liaise with yours, iyswim.

cestlavielife Thu 20-Dec-12 21:36:53

you are doing the right thing. report, tell her she doesn't need to see him again. or only supervised with another adult present.

SkaffenAmtiskaw Thu 20-Dec-12 21:47:14

Thanks for your replies, and for confirming I am doing the right thing. I never pressed charges against my ex when he assaulted me, although the police were called once, but I have regretted it ever since. This time, there is no going back.

Izzy you are spot on, that's exactly what the police told me. They've been to see DD at my friend's and had a chat with her, then they called me to say that I needed to make a formal report tomorrow with my DD, either in my ex's area or in mine.

cestlavie, she will definitely not have to see him again as long as she is in my care, unless she strongly insists and then it would only be supervised contact.

From the brief talk I've had with him and what he's told DD, he is absolutely not repentant and cannot see that he's done anything wrong, which doesn't surprise me at all. I think that actually, being arrested and told by the police that what he's done is wrong is the best thing that could happen to him.

twinklesparkles Fri 21-Dec-12 21:25:47

Hope your daughter is ok hun

What an awful situation sad

Hegsy Fri 21-Dec-12 22:24:23

How awful. Hope your daughter is ok x

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