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Ending relationship before christmas - advice please!

(201 Posts)
dipndunk Thu 20-Dec-12 09:12:08

Hi thought I'd start a new thread, rather than continue my old one
I want to end relationship with bf of 19 months, it has been on and off, ups and downs and is just not stable enough for me. I know he isnt the one, although i do care dearly for him. I miss him when we arent together, but i know i have to end it. I am unhappy, it isnt going to go anywhere, i dont imagine a future together anymore. He is the first bf since my marriage of 13 yrs ended. He is totally opposite to exH and we just arent a match, although we are very attracted to each other. The physical side is not enough for me either. Decision made. Although it still hurts.
I dont think he is going to take it lightly. He has an exam tomorrow, so I want to tell him after that. I have had to keep quiet all week. I know it is bad timing before christmas etc but i cant continue, I dont want to go through giving presents etc. I worry about him, as he wont see his ds over xmas, is going to court for access and feel he has no-one, so i am full of guilt. How do i do it?He has planned a meal for tomorrrow night. I want to be kind, but i also want him to listen, which he doesnt. He doesnt take it on board..

izzyizin Sun 06-Jan-13 05:18:29

You've described yourself as 'quite a strong albeit quieter person' but it seems to me you have been far too weak to repel or withstand the machinations of this abusive twunt, and you have been far too anxious to blame yourself for his fucked up mind.

It's not why he is what he is, or why he did what he did, that should be of concern to you; it's why you allowed to him excercise such a large degree of power over you.

All the signs were there when you met him but you overrode your gut feelings in favour of wishful thinking. When you start dating again come back to this board think long and hard about any man who isn't willing to go at your pace and take his cue from you.

Ultimately, all you can do is put this down to having made a gross error of judgement in allowing him to suck the joy of your life insinuate himself into your life to the extent that you were living it according to his dictates, so why not cut to the chase and simply take the lessons you've learned forward into the future?

Have you considered assertive training? IMO it would do you the power of good and may give you the confidence to start speaking up and speaking out in rl.

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 19:14:23

One and a half weeks sweetie, that's all it's been since you finished with the arse. You are in mourning for the dream you had, and you are being too harsh with yourself thinking you should be anywhere near back to normal. FFS I dumped my ex because I had got to the stage where I despised rather than loved him, and couldn't bear for him to touch me, yet I was still moping nearly a month later. A wise friend told me I was mourning the dream and what might have been IF he'd been the person I had thought he was, rather than missing the real him.

So you have had your dreams destroyed, you have (unwarranted but natural) feelings of failure because you picked a wrong-un again, this is the worst time of year for any upsets as everyone tends to feel down when the weather is bad.

I won't promise you'll feel much better any day soon, but I will tell you that one day you'll wake up when the sun is shining and realise that the pain isn't as sharp. In the meanwhile you just have to look after yourself - sleep lots if you want to, comfort eat if that helps, you can always go on a diet & exrecise regime once you feel better. Start planning for your next steps, whether a new home, new job, new hobby/sport. And don't be in a rush to find someone new - they will find you when the time is right, and if you don't meet anyone for a while well no problem, single life has many benefits (and there's always duracel power if things get frustrating wink ).

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 18:12:03

Allergic, i was ready, or so i thought i was. I was out of marriage and i think i was still in married mode. Thinking the next person was going to be perfect. There were warning signs from the beginning, but i didnt want there to be iyswim..i just wanted to take it slow and he pushed and pushed..
maybe i am over- analysing, i feel back to square one. I know i have to go through this, i just dont want to. feel like i just want to sleep.. how could he? im jumpy and my muscles are tense, i can think straight from time to time then i go to mush again.. must be quite bad anxiety

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 17:42:39

Hi hun. I think the only way anyone could tell why this happened to you is if they were able to get inside your head at the time the relationship started. If you were ready to have a relationship rather than a guy just appearing when you weren't bothered, then you were pre-programmed into investing in this one. How different he was from your previous ex might also have led you into a favorable comparison. It may have been to do with you investing emotionally after the breakup of your marriage. It may have been a now or never, I'm not getting any younger thing. There are loads of possible reasons, it could be one of these, something else, a combination thet left you vulnerable to this particular man at this time.

I do think you're onto something with the false expectations idea, and you may have fallen for the idea rather than the reality especially as at least superficially he was very unlike your exH.

But I also think you may be over-analysing it a bit? do you really really need to understand this, or could you just accept that it happened but wasn't right?

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 17:02:35

ok, so im struggling. I am wondering what is behind the dynamic of this kind of relationship? is it a power struggle? is it depression, false expectations, "passionate" people? because i didnt have this in my marriage.. obviously a different person has had a different effect, but i am also quite a strong albeit quieter person, so how could i let this happen?

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 14:08:21

thanks to tzella - you've earned them over the last few days!

For both of you if you start to weaken think of how awful you are feeling now & have done over the last few days, in total dispair & heartbroken. Remember the last few months & how many times that man hurt you emotionally. Then be brutally honest with yourselves and ask if a few weeks of having him back will be worth going through the same again, and again, and again. Because you know it will end up the same way, either that or in hospital (or worse).

So - a little while longer of the current hurt then it starts to fade vs months or years of pain & abuse with just a few good times in between (getting fewer and fewer as time goes on & his control strengthens even more). Look on it as an operation to cut out a cancer - it's going to really hurt for a while after the operation, but at least you aren't going to die slowly & painfully!

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 14:04:14

thanks, i know, i know the pattern, as above, it is soooo familiar. That is why i said i have to live with it, that ending, as i know contact could result into a way back in from him.. I dont want to be with him. somehow, his manipulative ways end up with me being back "in it" without me realising.. get it?? i am staying put, i am living a very boring life today, but i am feeling much better, just exhausted. I am not going to do it, i am aware there is an urge that comes but i am working through it. dont be sorry, i know what you are saying is right, i have been there already before and it is familiar to me too... how are you managing?

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 12:06:14

I don't think it's quite over yet. I'm sorry to make such a pronouncement over your business but, as in my experience, that awful ending means nothing is resolved properly and there's still some wiggle room for him or you to try and get back in - whether it's an apology for the 'way things turned out' from EITHER OF YOU. I did that, I've just remembered sad I apologised for the way it turned out via his brother. I felt it was the right thing to do, and a full stop, but I was utterly kidding myself and that was the 'in' that we both wanted. He contacted me to ask why the fuck I'd contacted his brother and I was ecstatic as we could now talk sensibly about what happened. I was a fool.

Please don't do this. Or at least be aware that you might. I know you've decided it's over - don't try to be civilised about it. I'm sincerely sorry to be telling you stuff that you don't think is true but it's all so familiar.

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 11:57:55

thanks for sharing. Awful isnt it? Like there is a hold over you and you are ready to jump, even though logically it is not the right thing to do. im not going back. I am lucky in a sense, i have not been left with visible marks such as black eyes, just bruising, but it is not as bad as some pictures you may see, just "normal" bruising. So its over, but the ending was awful, the person i am, i want to say sorry for the things i said etc, how it ended, but i know i cant, so it leaves it "unfinished".. i just have to live with that i know. well done on lasting the 3 whole days. i have heard nothing, and hope i dont. i really done think i will now

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 11:22:13

And I didn't tell anyone at work - just put loads of make-up (*two black eyes*) on and pretended I didn't notice curious looks. Some MNetters said "Tell them! There's nothing to be ashamed of!" but I didn't want to. Because I was ashamed, and embarrassed, and knew they would judge. Out of an office of 10 people, statistically .3 of them might have an insight into wtf had happened and I wasn't prepared to be out there, alone, being misunderstood and judged. I broadly agree on the sentiment about NOT BEING ASHAMED but it's very hard, and that's the decision I made.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 11:18:41

Morning dipndunk. I hope you're beginning to feel a bit better.

I started a thread on here in the summer about whether I should call the police after my now ex beat me up. He nature of his visa meant he would almost certainly have been deported, and because I loved him I wasn't sure if 'ruining his life' was the 'right' thing to do. I wasn't sure because I was hurt, in love, upset and confused, oh so confused about how/why this happened. Even though, actually, I knew exactly why it had happened. I joined MN earlier in the year when he and I got together because, even though nothing totally awful had happened I knew it would and knew this was the place to get help when it inevitably did How's that for fucked up? The subconscious is a wonderful and spooky thing.

I did call the police (101) and unfortunately they were next to useless. I gave them his address, his work address and pictures of him. I sat through the DV questionnaire, assuring the copper that he'd never abused my pets or children because I didn't have any etc and so on. They failed to arrest him twice. He has since told me (yes) that they asked HIM if he'd SEEN HIMSELF at his address. He escaped justice and.... I took him back. He didn't hit me again but continued to control me and financially abuse me. I allowed this to happen but with growing awareness that it had to stop, and over Xmas/NYE it did, as a trail of Last Straws built up into a not-to-be-ignored monolith and the relentlessness of it finally made me go off him. Yeah, it took all that for me to fall out of love with him and be able to put him out without collapsing in a heap, wanting him back. It's been 3 whole days now and I've ignored his pleading and was able to as I'm safe in my house.

I told my best friend who I see all the time in an email, and as he's sensitive I started it "Don't freak out but..." Then I told my boss (he's a v good friend) and didn't warn him at all, just told him, all brave-face over the phone. He didn't freak out but was upset and confused and speechless. I did not tell a lot of other people I should have told (women friends, my family) because I knew deep down I was going to end up taking the bastard back and I didn't want the 'I told you so's' (they wouldn't have done exactly that but they would have been v upset, as would I in their shoes). I should have told them and never seen him again but I was lost in it all.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say sad I think I'm just typing this to get it out but a lot of things about your situation struck me and I wanted to post. Mainly MNetters saying "how would you feel if he did this to someone else?" and that's what made me call the police. I am a good person, and I know right from wrong, and I'm a feminist (not that that matters) and wrapped up in all that I wanted him deported so I wouldn't be tempted to take him back hmm That's not similar to your situation (I assume) but for god's sake; be the better human in getting him STOPPED, not the bigger person by feeling sorry for him.

Hugs to you, girl.

P.S. I got more on this if anyone wants it! Argh, I could type for hours grin

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 11:00:51

thanks, i will tell in time, i dont want the attention or the remarks that may come with it, i just dont want to hear anything about him. Not sure why. Perhaps because there is a love that exists for the person i thought he was in the beginning. My emotions are a little all over the place, changing morning, afternoon, night etc hopefully this will calm down in time, it has to. I feel ashamed, for some reason i am feeling paranoid when i am out and about, when people look at me, as if they confidence has really been knocked, i just want to hide, i am going about my business in body, not mind..

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 10:50:29

Morning Dipndunk. Only natural to be very worried after what you've been through, though hopefully the panic attacks will ease in time.

Please try to stop blaming yourself. You had no idea he would actually attack you that night, and though it would ofc be much better if that hadn't happened there IS a silver lining.

You are OK physically, and because you had to call the police they are now aware that you are in danger from this man, which should hopefully protect you from anything worse.
You have also been shown his true colours.

Please do reconsider telling someone close to you, like your father or best friend. You do need to accept that it was real and happened. I know that's hard, because by keeping it like a dream (nightmare?) you are protecting your own mind from how awful it was.

dipndunk Sat 05-Jan-13 10:21:22

morning, hello all. Thank you for "being there".. I'm ok. Feeling very low and still having panic attacks on and off but i'm sure it will get better in time. Im very distracted, it is on my mind constantly.. one day at a time i guess. Think it will take this year to get over it. Just want to cut myself off. I stood up to him, told him some "home truths" i cannot help blame myself for doing that, i should have just kept quiet as it really wound him up. He seemed calm almost when he was doing it though, while i was crying etc, he just had an angry glazed look in his eyes :-(
i will keep checking in

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 09:15:34

Quick bump to put this back on the first page.

Dipndunk please keep checking in just so Izzy and I know you are OK

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 21:30:04

What you are experiencing is an entirely normal reaction to shock, honey.

Part of you can't believe what happened, but part of you knows only too well that it did happen, and that it - or worse - might happen again if you allow him to creep back into your life.

There's little to be gained by trying to fathom why he did what he did. Ultimately, he did it because he could and because he's got a history of doing it and getting away with it.

If you're feeling no better in the next couple of days, make an appointment with your GP with a view to getting some medication that will alleviate panic attacks with possibly a short course of antidepressants and a little something to help you sleep.

Once again, I would urge you to get back in contact with the police to report the sighting you had of him outside your home the day after he attacked you, and tell them what you know of his history.

This will serve several purposes: it will go some way to enable you to put the matter 'to bed', as it were; it may provide a solution to the question of returning the item he's left in your home; and, most importantly, the police will have an account of his behaviour on that night which won't fall into the general category of 'couple had too much too drink, argument ensued'.

Should he put in another appearance or make contact with you, the latter will be of immense value as it's so easy to omit/forget or give a less than an accurate account when one's fears/emotions are under stress.

For my own peace of mind, can I ask you to please check into your thread on a daily basis for the next week or so? Otherwise I fear that I'll lose sleep wondering how you are faring grin

All of this notwithstanding, I sincerely hope you and your ds have a good weekend.

dipndunk Fri 04-Jan-13 20:31:45

thank you izzyizin, I have just sat down. I am on autopilot, keeping very busy, taken my ds out today with his friend. I keep getting extremely anxious, panic attacks, then feel ok again. It feels like a dream and i know the reason for this is because i am not making it real by telling anyone, i just want it to go away :-( Ive heard nothing, and I really dont expect to.
I am feeling very low, but following other threads on here and it is keeping me strong/giving me another perspective. Very teary, then angry, then think why. Very difficult to keep on an even keel, i think it is shock. I just want to get through it. I keep over imagining different scenarios, like bad things happening. I think i have finally let depression take a hold :-(

ILikeWhisperingToo Fri 04-Jan-13 20:28:25

Consider that telling people, not having the burden of secrecy and having support through this could help you atm.
You've done nothing to be ashamed of, how would you feel if one of your friends / relations was going through similar?
Hope you're continuing to take care of yourself.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 19:39:06

Unashamedly bumping your thread with the intention of continuing to keep it on P1 because if you're not telling anyone in rl, FGS keep coming back and telling us, honey.

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 08:14:57

dipndunk honey your nearest & dearest will not be judging you in a bad way if you let them know. If you decided that spending the day with your father was the most comforting & safe thing you could do yesterday, then I'm guessing your father will be the type of parent to have your best interests at heart and will only wish to protect you.

I'm a bit worried you don't want to make it feel "real", it DID happen & he DID use that much force on you, and if it happens again it will be worse. If you at least let the people closest to you know, he can't get to you by telling them you've just had a little tiff so can they arrange it so you meet him - they may think they are doing the right thing to fix a little problem in your relationship by facilitating that! You're going to have to tell them soon anyway, as they will start asking what's going on when he's never around.

The other reason I'm worried is because if you don't make it "real" you can start to rationalise everything away. I think he will leave me alone now. I think me calling the police may have hit home. It is so hard. i suspect he is feel terrible. We were both very drunk. i do not think he will dare contact me now. but i think it was the drink talking. Those statements sound almost like you are excusing him, and that can be the top of a very slippery slope. Telling people means that however weak you are feeling, you can't really go back.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 05:25:52

You're worried you'll be judged by telling people in rl? shock

What's more important? The safety of your ds and yourself, or your pride?

This man hasn't begun finished with you yet, honey. The weekend is almost upon us and he'll take advantage of it to make contact and/or visit you in person.

As I see it, there is no reason for the police to get back to you. You didn't want to press charges and I suspect you asked them to go easy on him because you/he 'were drunk' and he didn't mean it and it's New Year blah de fucking blah.

From what you've said, you were away from home most of yesterday and for all you know, he spent some time lurking around your house.

I don't want to be responsible for gving you nightmares but if you're already waking up in the night, your subconscious mind is trying to tell you something - and you'll ignore it at your peril.

Please, get back to the police and tell them he was outside your home 2 nights ago and BE SURE to tell them as much as you know about his history of dv.

Think on the amount of force he used on you, and think on that you've only got his word that his exdw didn't suffer serious injury at his hands.

You're in denial and, given what this man has told you - and shown you - about himself, that's a very dangerous place to be.

dipndunk Fri 04-Jan-13 04:06:37

thanks. I keep waking up in the night and crying, awful. Feel numb.
Allergic, the telling people so it feels real, thats why i am not, because im not ready to face it in my everyday life :-( it is easier to deal with my life if the people i am around just treat me as normal..
i know this may sound bad, but it is not only the fact thee grabbed/pushed me but it is the amount of FORCE he did it with. He was my best friend at one point, Ive done so much for him :-(
yes its over, but it is going to take me so long to get over it. It is constantly on my mind unless i am distracted by people treating me as normal...
yes i am worried i'll be judged by telling people irl

olgaga Fri 04-Jan-13 01:28:58

I have just read this whole thread. What a terrible business.

I am pleased you are prioritising your safety, and your child's safety. You might feel sad for what might have been if this man wasn't a violent abuser, but that's no reason to put yourself and your child through any further agony.

Whether or not the police are going to do anything, it's over, and you have to keep it that way. You have to ensure your child grows up in the right environment.

If you have any doubts at all contact Women's Aid or NCDV, and make sure you have 999 on your speed dial.

Thumbwitch Fri 04-Jan-13 01:10:00

I was reading your latest post, it was going so well until this point:
"i suspect he is feel terrible. We were both very drunk."

1. Being drunk is not an excuse for physical abuse and threats
2. I doubt he feels terrible at all, although he might feel annoyed that you have escaped his clutches.

Remember that you are not the first woman he has done this to. IF he felt terrible about doing it, do you really think he would have allowed himself to do similar again?
I had a friend when I was young, at 18 he discovered that drinking to excess unveiled a nasty aggressive side to him. He therefore gave up alcohol because he hated that side. That's the sort of responsible attitude that decent people have.

Please please please get rid of the notion that he is somehow a "poor man" - he's not. And ignore him if he does get back to you, he's probably just making you wait.

Allergictoironing Thu 03-Jan-13 23:18:45

Thank you for getting back to us dipndunk, I feel better now smile. Sounds like you are doing the sensible thing spending time with people you feel safe & comfortable with.

Have you not told anyone because you feel that somehow they will judge you? Because they are exceptionally unlikely to do so, though they are pretty likely to judge your ex. If you do tell someone close like your father or friend, it will make things more real IYSWIM, something that can't be forgotten about or hidden any longer.

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