This is very long am sorry. Also I am in Sydney so posting now but might not be able to come back for a while. DP (not so D any more I think) and I 20 years ago in 1993, lived in diff cities back then so we dated but it was a bit on and off. However, we have been in a relationship since 1997.
We have lived in London, Europe, travelled extensively. He is in IT and his job therefore allows us to move. I?ve always worked in the various places. He spilt with me in 2002 but then got a cancer diagnosis and had long treatment etc and I was supporting him. We got back together, having not really spent significant time apart, in 2004.
I have an MSc and the makings of a good career but my CV is a bit patchy as we have enjoyed living away and travelling so much. But I think I could find work at a reasonable level. Currently SAHM - we have two DSs, ages 3.5 and 2.3 .
DP?s finances are much more secure than mine in that he has investments (which might not be worth much I guess) savings and two London properties. We have always had separate finances and paid half and half of everything? even though he is the much higher earner, I?ve had OK salary too so it has not been an issue. He has not allowed me to be on the papers for the properties. When I?ve addressed it he says it is not needed as we will soon be getting a property together. Been saying that for years and it has not come off. He speaks as if I am a gold digger and after his cash (he doesn?t exactly say those phrases) and it ends up an argument ? he raises his voice and becomes angry. So in effect I?ve paid half the mortgage but this has been ?rent? really. DS1 born March 2009, my mat pay ran out c. Feb 2010 when I went back to work until DS2 was born ? went back to work really cos DP being huffy during the time (about 1 month) that he had to ?pay for me?. I can fight his attitude and argue but I just think with an attitude like that, what?s the point of discussing it? So with DS1 he never had to ?support? us as such.
Since 2007 we?ve been back and forth to Australia. DS1 born London, DS2 in Sydney. DS2 born Sept 2010. I did not work from Sept 2010 ? March 2012 (caring for home and boys).
On the latest trip, we returned after 18 months to the UK in Dec 2011 as we felt long term future not in Aus and so time to return to UK or Europe and settle. He was then unable to find a job. He was adamant that we had done the wrong thing and should return to Sydney. During this time I went back to work (reluctantly as boys small & Dp has money, but needs must) and paid all household bills and everything for the boys. I always have got their prams, cuts, stair gates, clothes etc etc.
As he was jobhunting I also paid for 3 days childcare. Then, when the jobhunt was not working, I was still not able to pull them out for him to look after, as he had started a loft conversion and the work was v disruptive ? DP said. Had it all been the other way round of course I would have had to manage around the work. Although this significant increase to house value will not benefit me directly, he says it is right that I paid this childcare as the boys will benefit from this money, eventually (when he dies??). Also of course he had the money to pay for this big work while I was working & paying childcare.
During this time the only dent he will have made in his savings will be his personal expenses and going out ? which he does not scrimp on. There were a few comments about (supposed to be ?jokes?) about me not giving him ?spends? as he had done to me after DS2 born ? by this he means the housekeeping. He then got a job offer in about June 2012 we felt we?d made our minds up then and returned to Sydney in Sept 2012. he has a job here on good money (not HUGE but good) and we have found a nice house to rent. Very expensive here though. I get some money each week but I have nothing extra to spend ? this is do-able ? but I know he has more. I have never been allowed to know his actual pay or the details of his finances. I have told him this makes us not really financially together and is not OK now we have DS1&2 and also that he will not plan for the future and this makes me worry etc
Due to managing on the one wage in 2012 and me having to pay for everything (bcos I ?had an income?) I accrued debts. I have money on a bank loan and on an interest free credit card ? interest will start in Feb. He knows about the debt but not the full amount as he will be angry. He has said, after a lot of pushing, that he will pay some back ?for me? (gggrrr) when finances sorted in new year. But will he? And even if he does ? no insight - he has also said he feels annoyed that I have debts after spending on fripperies (childcare, boys clothes, gas bill ? yes I did go for occasional meal with a friend).
I went to a solicitor and they said I would be entitled to half the house we lived in in London but not to savings etc. (even though I have used all mine for us to live and he, er, hasn?t) but I thought we might be able to work stuff out, I don?t know what I thought. I was aware that we have 2 DSs (DP is a nice Dad and interacts with them loads but not really any practical help and no help at night ever ever ? but I have enabled this! Am such an idiot)
So anyway the stuff about money (no support given with DS1 so mat pay and savings gone; minimum given with DS2 so savings gone; childcare and no contribution from him in 2011 so now debts), his sending me to Coventry for transgressions for years, his unreasonable outlook about spending (eg told me off for getting two little 10 quid raincoats. In England!), his inability to say he loves me, his criticism and put downs, his unsupportive attitude when I had PND after DS2 has finally led me to realise that I can?t make it better, I can?t make us happy and I can?t undo the silliness I have done allowing all this to happen. But I can try to make going forward positive. BUT I am here, in Australia, we can?t run two houses, I have no practical support. So I think we ?ll have to just manage for a couple of years and then return to UK. But we have I think spilt up. But we sit and eat our evening meal together, we chat, we have a glass of wine and watch a film. I feel so sad and also like I need closure but I cannot get out or get the ball rolling. I cannot and will not return immediately to UK (here since Sept only!)
I admit I am afraid of his moods and the black place they put me in, I would rather try and smooth things along given that we are in the same house by necessity. Also for the boys. DS1 sensitive and aware when things not good. We can get along for now because we have to.
But how do I manage my sad feelings so that I can survive this time? I went to counselling in London this year which was OK. He sort of agreed to go to Relate but then said could we not afford it ? but nights out and loft conversion affordable of course. Also how can I manage the conversations about money? I need him to balance out the money ? but the conversations always go awful ? I do mention it but I guess I do back off half way and agree to sort it out later ? as I always have e.g. ?we?ll get the next house together? ( at some unspecified date). So I get nowhere and it festers.
I think we both know we have spilt emotionally (he seems OK with this ? I feel sad ? I think I stil love the good bits) but it seems impossible practically. And I think part of me STILL thinks it might be OK ? so ideally I need to get away?but?.?? Any thougts would be so welcome to give me some clarity 9its not me is it?) and some hope?..I feel so sad and such a fool. I want to smile and enjoy my boys. I?m not depressed, but am feeling the effect of all this. Dp does have good points and he is unhappy too.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
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any advice/support for how I can manange til I can get out? is it really over? LONG
theansweris42 · 19/12/2012 22:13
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