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Mixed messages.......going nuts

(327 Posts)
A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 15:53:08

Supposed to be on "a break" with bf. I know I know it probably spells the end.

He has a lot of issue: unemployment, illness etc.

I expected no contact but so far I've had texts every week calling my by his special nicknames for me and most recently a card and present left at my office for Christmas with a note in the card saying lets trust 2013 is a great year.

had enough of mixed messages


aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:07:48

cogito even. blush

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:10:20

then it is his job to work it out himself. you can't drag it out of him. give yourself a time frame. no one where you are sitting just waiting, one that you can think, right by the 10th jan, if i havent heard something tangible and positive, without my prompting it by that date, i turn my back on this destructive relationship.

(can you tell i am doing this?)

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:16:14

You are doing the same thing now pirate?

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:19:41

I was no saint either.

I was a bit jealous a couple of times.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 20-Dec-12 10:20:16

They are all lovely for the first 6 months!! he's keeping you as back up, you don't want to see that, but it's obvious. You are worth so much more, text him and say enough's enough, you can't be arsed with him he's a child.

Then phone your mates, go out, shop, drink. laugh. You will meet a man that deserves you, you can't turn this one into the man you need.

It might feel hard, but you will be doing yourself a massive favour, this could go on and on, and you are wasting your time.

Good luck!

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 20-Dec-12 10:20:36

Stop blaming yourself!!!

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:22:55

I know. but if he'd died in hospital everyone would be sympathetic. it feels the same to me: like a death. out of nowhere, he's gone.

I keep replaying in my head all the mistakes I made. I wasn't great either.

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Thu 20-Dec-12 10:24:37

He's not dead, he's choosing not to be with you. I know you feel deserted, but that will ease with time, if you let it. sad

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:25:06

I hope he has a string of failed and crap dates after this.

he'll realise I wasn't such a bad girlfriend.

At his age he wont change

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:26:54

Who wants to be a saint? What's passion if it doesn't occasionally flip over into a little jealousy? IME I think we sometimes meet people who bring out our worst side rather than our best side and we end up doing/saying things we later regret. Maybe you didn't bring out the good side in each other on this occasion? Either way, it doesn't pay to stick around out of misplaced guilt.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:27:09

It was all my fault. I should have just let him alone.

I let petty jealousies cloud my feelings even my mates told me I was being stupid and to stop it. but that was in reaction to him going distant on me

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:31:19

When a man who claims to love you suddenly goes distant your choices are roughly 'do nothing' and treat it as his loss.... or.... go a bit attention-seeking bunny-boiling nuts with frustration! I can still hear my DM's words in my ears when a teenage boyfriend went distant on me and I was about to go round and knock on his door to find out why ... 'You'll get nowhere chasing him!!!' And dammit, she was right.

In your case, it wouldn't have gone so wrong if it had been solid to start with. Chalk him up to experience.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:34:23

There's no chance he's coming back is there?

He even said he didn't know who I was and what I liked. unless he's walked thru it with his eyes shut. how could he not know. he's so forgetful.

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:38:18

yes i am. and each day that goes by is, well another day gone by. with nothing from him. so, each day i feel a bit angry, a bit silly for being angry, a bit happy, a bit stronger.

and i conclude, if he wanted to be with me he would move mountains.

we aren't all saints and sometimes do react if we feel vulnerable, needy whatever, but i will bet you have had reason to feel like you have. even if you have gone off on one, it's something you have to put behind you and think, why did i do it. what is it in me that is prepared to put up with this.

i am seeing this as a challenge. by god it hurts, but i know deep down i am strong and i am not going to let this rule my bloody life.! i am worth more.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:40:39

Pirate are you on a break from him or what. what sort of time limit on it?

WinkyWinkola Thu 20-Dec-12 10:40:49

That's not forgetful. That's him not being interested.

Don't be a chump, waiting around for this man. He's just not special. He is playing you like a puppet.

Go and meet some new people. Make 2013 your year of new friends and a new job, if you can.

Get out of the old rut.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:42:10

No he went nuts after hospital. he forgot the most basic things.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:44:31

I always get problem relationships.

There has always been something. I have to ask myself if its me.

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:50:07

no i finished it due to lack of commitment over and over from him, have given far too much. i am standing my ground, and havent contacted him. it's his shit. also i havent heard from him either. In the past this has happened before, where i have ended it then slipped back in to contact, to have more of my 'say' to well almost make him see the light! crazyness on my part.

but thankfully, there has now been no contact for two weeks. a record. i have given it to a certain date, yes. It just seems like enough time, to get xmas over and that new yr reality feeling in. I think by then my inner strength will be very good, my mindset is changing daily as it is. Yes i love him, but he should stand by his love for me. If he hasn't by my 'set date' then that's quite enough.!

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:52:07

well yes you do, but in a constructive way. not in a self loathing way. we all have relationship problems, in some form or other. we get older, and hopefully experiences good and bad help us sort out the rubbish.

but, you can't control another's mind or way they approach life.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 10:53:11

Is it you? Or are you drawn to similar qualities in men that subsequently end up being a problem? Me personally, left to my own devices in a crowded room of candidates I will always pick out the man with a glint in his eye and a wicked streak. DISASTER!!! In my youth I was a sucker for men with 'issues'... I was the dating equivalent of the person that rescues injured hedgehogs and then gets upset when they get a handful of spikes.

So, as well as acknowledging you're as human as the rest of us, see if your last few choices have anything in common

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:58:59

I'm a pushover.

I have a very forgiving,live and let live attitude and I just get walked all over.

For example this last guy was often leaving it until after midnight on the day to confirm plans for meeting with me. I ought to have switched the phone off and not gone. but I sit waiting and chase.

I don't think they have any respect for me.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 11:01:24

All if my boyfriends have done this. not really been bothered if they see me or not.

I assume people don't like me. I am hard work, quite a pain in the ass.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 11:11:40

You can't be both hard work and a live and let live pushover. confused If you a tip from Aunty Cog, try discovering your inner ice-maiden. I don't really like the 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' thing because it's rather cruel and contrived. But keeping a little bit of yourself back does seem to be an effective way to keep someone's attention.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 11:16:06

I have been both.

I can be hard work in that I'm fickle: don't often know what I like.

I don't ever demand that people spend time with me or change their routine but they take advantage.

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