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Mixed messages.......going nuts

(327 Posts)
A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 15:53:08

Supposed to be on "a break" with bf. I know I know it probably spells the end.

He has a lot of issue: unemployment, illness etc.

I expected no contact but so far I've had texts every week calling my by his special nicknames for me and most recently a card and present left at my office for Christmas with a note in the card saying lets trust 2013 is a great year.

had enough of mixed messages


SobaSoma Wed 19-Dec-12 17:42:15

I would clearly and politely state to him that since he instigated this "break" could he please --fuck off--not contact you as you need time to think about him too. Do you know that song "A Little Time" by the Beautiful South? He might be all over the place but you shouldn't get dragged down with him. And 9 months isn't that long into a relationship so get busy and try and decide what's best for YOU.

TalkativeJim Wed 19-Dec-12 17:50:54

Red flags all over the place.

He's a loser, a user, and absolutely no friend of yours.

Best thing you coudl do for your future sanity and dignity - just STOP TEXTING.

Ignore him completely.

Don't get into big discussions on how it's messing you up - he'll love that. This is all about him playing with you.

Just cut him off. He's wasting your energy. Ok, you're alone now - but by engaging with him you're just setting yourself up to be either alone or in a horrible not-quite-relationship for even longer. Get rid, and get out there and find a nice person.

Twattergy Wed 19-Dec-12 18:03:17

I think that texting is so annoying in these circumstances. It's such a lazy and cowardly way to communicate. He gets to interrupt your day whenever however he wants. There are no consequences in terms of what he writes. He can hide whatever information he wishes. All the while having maximum impact on you whilst offering nothing positive to help the situation. You could reply to say that as you have split up on his request you do not wish to receive any further texts from him. If his situation changes radically he can call you for an adult discussion. My last split up was before texting was common ex had to call me or show up on my doorstep to get in touch and every time I saw him it just reconfirmed that I could never be with him again. Whilst texts might have just kept me unsure...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 19-Dec-12 18:11:41

You could end the mixed messages right now

tell him to go fuck himself.

that is fairly clear...but you have to mean it, of course

rightchoice2 Wed 19-Dec-12 18:13:53

He is just keeping one

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 19-Dec-12 18:14:33

....foot under the table ?

rightchoice2 Wed 19-Dec-12 18:14:37

He is just keeping one foot in the door. Probably felt a little bit sorry for himself and filling time. Give him a wide berth and dont fall for a sob story.

Lavenderhoney Wed 19-Dec-12 18:31:25

Please arrange something for yourself for Christmas and the NY, preferably something you can't get out of and is fun.
The problem with breaks is the one who instigates it has spent a while preparing for it and expects the other person to sit in and wait by the phone. As you haven't been expecting a break, you spend the whole time in angst about the relationship or lack of it, and no time to get angry - he had problems yes, but what if you suddenly had problems? Don't you deserve someone to share with, or do you have to wait and hope he contacts you at the end of the enforced break?
He sounds a whole lot of trouble to me, and relationships are supposed to be easy at this stage. You could text back and say please don't contact me, we are on a break and it doesn't finish til jan. I am cynical and always would wonder if he was trying out a new gf during a break.

I totally agree texting is disturbing you as and when which is awful, it's such a control/ power thing waiting for replys etc. Can you turn your phone off and just turn it on for calls now and then? and off at night, about 8?

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 23:38:03

Thanks guys :-)

I am really in a bad way here.

I expected no contact. whenever I get a text from him calling me by the nickname he has for me i feel euphoria and tell myself he'll come back then I realise again that's its bs. the texts are super friendly and acting though nothing happened. I am so worn out.

I asked him what's going on & shouldn't we meet. no reply

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 23:43:10

You're being strung along with these little carroty morsels of friendly texts. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want you to get on with your life either..... he'd rather you were in a bad way, feeling all hopeful every time your phone beeps and miserable when it doesn't. Your self-esteem must be on its arse and it won't improve if you persist in expecting explanations.

A1980 Wed 19-Dec-12 23:47:54

I don't think so. he isn't callous.

I think he totally lacks maturity and has no idea the effect this is having. I have been very cool back.

Should I just ignore totally?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 23:57:35

Yes, just ignore this immature man with zero emotional intelligence. All he's doing is making you feel bad and insecure and life's simply too short to allow someone to make you feel that way. Seek out people who make you feel good about yourself instead. Do things you enjoy. Be places you want to be. Not hunched miserably over your phone waiting for a man who has already dumped you to flick you a crumb of his attention.


Aussiebean Thu 20-Dec-12 01:17:58

He isn't callous? You have only gone out with him 9 months. You have no idea his true personality in the early days. Everyone is on their best behaviour in the beginning.

He is showing you his true self. One where your feeling are lower than his.

He is showing you have he will deal with problems in the future. Sick baby, bad pregnancy, unemployment. He won't be there for you.

Move on lovely.

Dottiespots Thu 20-Dec-12 01:36:29

Whats that film called....."Hes just not that into you"...if he was, really really was, he wouldnt be away from you or apart from you. Its that simple. If hes not phoning you to make arrangements to spend time with you and take you out and treat you like a princess then hes just biding his time till some other girl comes along and you deserve better than that. As others have suggested, please please please stop replying to his texts. Ignore them. If he really wants to talk to you he will have to try harder than that.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 20-Dec-12 07:08:19

He'll come back to you when those other women he is chasing get fed up of his immaturity and game playing

Who wants to be the reserve choice?

Fuck him off

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 08:49:47

I should have gone no contact from day 1 shouldn't I?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 09:24:51

Hindsight is a marvellous thing smile Don't beat yourself up about the past because you can't change it. Focus on yourself and your self-esteem as #1 priority, deal with the present situation swiftly and - very important - learn a lesson so that if you ever meet this kind of person again (emotionally immature with 'issues') you will see through them and not get involved.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 09:36:00

I'm having a very bad day today. in a bad way :-(

He seemed emotionally stable and mature. he spoke positively of relationships especially ours all the way through. the mask didn't slip until the end.

Although the fact that he's never moved out of his parents house at the age of 35 ought to have told me something.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 09:40:21

Sorry you're having a bad day. But don't beat yourself up too badly. When looking at people through love-goggles it's easy to miss stuff. What could you do today that would make you feel good about yourself?

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 09:48:53

It's more the fact that there weren't really any warning signs until it broke down. Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

So I'm 33 with another failed relationship. will never have children at this rate. The reasons he used were ridiculous: he lost his Shit as he didn't know whatc I liked .....and my interests even though they've been obvious all along he just forgets.

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 09:54:21

Nothing by the way. I hate my job

tallwivglasses Thu 20-Dec-12 09:55:20

He's done you a favour love. This man is not a good catch, and certainly not dad material. Write down every red flag since the relationship began and ask yourself is this is what you and your future child deserve?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 20-Dec-12 09:56:02

So you were basically sticking with him, in spite of all the problems, because the clock's ticking and you thought he was your last chance for kids? I can understand that but can you see what a disaster this man would have been as a father?

All you can do is take care of yourself and be kind to yourself until he's out of your head. In the meantime - and I know it's easier said than done - get back out there and live life to the max. There are other ways to have children than to be saddled with an inadequate boyfriend.

aPirateInaPearTree Thu 20-Dec-12 10:07:17

op, like cognito said, hindsight is great.

don't beat yourself up, i know it can hurt. esp if you wanted him to be the one for you, but he's not. You can't change him, and don't change your values, your decency to make up for his immaturity, that's the road to never knowing whether you are coming or going. The light is at the end of this tunnel, you have to be strong for yourself. You are young, you have yrs yet to have children with a lovely grown up chap.

No contact is the way. Nothing. give him zilch. I totally get you being emotionally drained. Each time you reply to him or ask him questions that he can't or won't answer you are making it worse for you.

Set yourself a challenge. Say out loud what you want like- ' I want a man in my life who is happy and free to love me'. write it down! stick to it. day by day, you will get there. x

A1980 Thu 20-Dec-12 10:07:40

No because when we were together, especially for the first 6 months he was the sweetest, kindest most attentive boyfriend. he was lovely to me. we were so close. seeing eachother loads, talking all the time in the phone.

It only got a bit strained as his job loss started and then hospital broke the camels back. He wasn't the same when he came out.

He said we grew apart: yes we did. external factors did it.

It was fine until the problems started.

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