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Painful Christmas - advice please

(25 Posts)
Marymoo73 Wed 19-Dec-12 10:27:15

Will try and keep it brief, but am torn about what do do on Xmas day with exP and DD (2.5). Basically, he had affairs from shortly after she was born. The last one I discovered 10 days before last Xmas. Agreed he could stay over Xmas so kids could have a nice time (my DS,8). It was horrible. This year he has offered to cook Xmas dinner at mine. I was reluctant, but he was persistant. So I agreed. He has been suitably vague about his plans for Xmas for weeks and last night I asked on what days he plans to see DD. Pretty much nothing apart from Xmas Day. He will pitch up at 10, cook, eat then go. Wont see her Xmas Eve, Boxing Day, then he's back to work. From what I gather, he will be spending the rest of Xmas (Sat PM onwards, bar few hours Xmas Day) with the last "OW" and her child. I'm not happy with this. He keeps trotting out that DD is the most important thing to him and yet, at a special time of her year, when he has an open door to see her, he clearly has other priorities. So. Do I suck it up and let him spend Xmas in my kitchen, playing "happy families", counting down till he leaves, or do I tell him he is welcome to pop over and see her but lunch is a no. Its important to me that they have a good day, but equally that I can try and relax and enjoy the day with them too.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 19-Dec-12 10:32:29

Marymoo what do you want in all this? It sounds like you don't want him cooking lunch.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 10:35:59

I think you keep him away because what is going to make for a 'nice time' is a relaxed you, relaxed children, a full day together and no-one on pins wondering whether someone is turning up, not turning up. what he's going to do or not do. Turning up, cooking, eating and buggering off isn't my idea of a good time - it sounds like a total imposition. I would tell him that he needs to make his own plans at his own home and 'do Christmas' with the children on a completely different day.

dequoisagitil Wed 19-Dec-12 10:39:24

If your main objection is coming from the fact that he's choosing to spend the rest of the time with his girlfriend, but if say, he was alone or working, you'd be fine with it, then maybe possibly you're not being entirely fair.

But that said, if it's just a horrible time having him anywhere near you, then have your own Xmas dinner and either let him do Xmas pressies in the morning or let him have the dc on Boxing Day. You've a right to have a happy day too. If he's going to spoil things, then don't have him round.

The dc get used to having two Xmases and it's far better to have a relaxed happy time with each parent separately than to be in a tense situation with them together.

Doha Wed 19-Dec-12 10:43:05

Fuck him playing happy family.
I think you would find it much less stressful for him NOT to be around cooking and messing up your kitchen.....
Agree a certain time that he can come and see DD then you enjoy your xmas with the people who mean most to you and who YOU want to spend time with.

Letsmakecookies Wed 19-Dec-12 10:47:15

Having an x who is even more lax with priorities than yours, my feelings are that it is important that a) you do what makes you feel the most happy just like Cogito said and b) you have to detach a little and not take on the responsibility for his own relationship with his child. You are not the parent of two children (ex and DC).

My ex is trying very hard to remove himself from any responsibility and that is not fair to me. I think that I need to let him f*ck it up all on his own and not make excuses or hide it from the children. Obviously that doesn't mean saying horrible things, but also not rose tinting either. I think if I constantly make excuses for him not seeing his own children even though he waxes lyrical about his "love" for them on the phone, they will grow up with a very messed up idea of how people should be treated.

Go with your feelings, listen to them. You were reluctant to have him over. Tell him there has been a change of plan. Tell him he can take DC to his place and be a proper father, without you there to babysit.

Xales Wed 19-Dec-12 10:52:11

Definitely the second. No need for him to spend ages in the kitchen doing food he would be better actually spending those few hours interacting with his DD.

Marymoo73 Wed 19-Dec-12 11:10:00

Thank you for your replies. I'm going to call him and tell him that whilst he's welcome to see her on Christmas Day, lunch is not an option. He only sees her for a few hours every week and when he could actually spend some quality time with her, he has other priorities and she is sandwiched somewhere in the middle. In his world as long as he's ticked the "great dad" box its all good. I've tried to accomodate him as his place is more or less a building site, but I feel he's just taking advantage and its getting me down sad

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 11:12:07

Well done. Also, set the time on Christmas Day when he can visit. Pick a narrow window when it is convenient to you rather than him swan in and upset the apple-cart.

dequoisagitil Wed 19-Dec-12 11:37:56

Good, stay strong smile. Don't let him grind you down.

What's the mumsnet standard - something like "I see what you're saying, but that won't work for me" on a loop for all his persistance/arguments/emotional blackmail.

Marymoo73 Wed 19-Dec-12 12:14:06

Well that went well. Not. Called him and explained that I was unhappy with the lack of time he was spending with DD over Xmas, that she didn't appear to be his priorty, which is what he always claims. He then went into patronising mode, speaking to me slowly, like i'm an idiot saying "he hadn't processed next week yet, had a lot on his plate and that he would stay until the kids bedtime, to give me a break" I had to terminate the call. Am at work and so angry that he speaks to me like i'm being unreasonable and my feelings aren't important. Now waiting for the shitty email that will invariably follow.... sad

squeakytoy Wed 19-Dec-12 12:18:41

You need to say "no, this is MY home, not yours, and you will stay as long as I want you to, not how long you want to".

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Wed 19-Dec-12 12:21:45

Then there's your answer. No Christmas for Mr Patronising at your house. The children get to have Christmas with Dad either in advance or after the event. They win.... two Christmases..... and you win.... a peaceful 25th without interference.

Doha Wed 19-Dec-12 13:48:18

NO is a complete sentence....Just say NO

Doha Wed 19-Dec-12 13:49:42

NO is a complete sentence....Just say NO

Marymoo73 Wed 19-Dec-12 14:05:25

Thank you all. As expected a "poor me" email. I have to admit most of it was laughable. He is so deluded regarding what constitutes regular, positive time with his daughter. I've told him that I want to actually relax and enjoy this Christmas and he is the reason why I wouldn't. I am going to send a polite straightforward email confirming what time he can visit. I'm not one for resolutions, but I know 2013 will be the year I stop taking his crap smile

Doha Wed 19-Dec-12 14:37:07

Give yourself a relaxed xmas and tell your ex he can see his DD on either xmas eve or boxing day.

Marymoo73 Wed 19-Dec-12 15:25:21

Thats the problem. He has "plans" both days. I've told him that he can see her for a couple of hours on Xmas day then sod off so we can break out the party food leave. Cockweasel.

Doha Wed 19-Dec-12 15:31:59

Well tell him you "have plans" on xmas day which don't include him. His has to get his priorities right regarding his DD. His choice.
I think if he comes over on xmas day you may have a problem getting him to leave when you want.

MrsTomHardy Wed 19-Dec-12 15:58:57

Don't have him in your home.
Don't let him dictate when he sees your DD....you call the shots as he's such an arse about it all.

redtulip68 Wed 19-Dec-12 20:39:39

There is something to be said about the way exs just assume they can pick and chose when they can turn up and see their DCs. Mine has just informed me that he will see them Friday evening, even though his contact day is Saturday, because he needs to get away because he feels stressed! In other words him and the OW are going on holiday. So despite the fact that he wanted to see the children on Christmas Eve, wanted to know dates and times of performances etc - all of which he has failed to turn up for, he needs to have a holiday! He is supposed to see them every Saturday and has cancelled the last two because he was...tired, full of cold, sick etc etc etc. So much for parential responsibility! I wont mention that I've just had surgery and have to look after the DCs myself..and he feels stressedhmm

dequoisagitil Thu 20-Dec-12 10:46:25

I suggest you arrange to have him, say from 10 'til 12 (whatever). And at the given end-time, either you take the kids out for a Xmas walk or mince pies with the neighbours or have family/friends arrive who will help shoo him out - and say goodbye to him firmly on the doorstep.

Otherwise he will hang around like a bad smell, since he has decided in his magnificent lordliness and godhood that he should spend Xmas day making your life a misery under the guise of helping you out.

Have some sort of plan for that eventuality.

tallwivglasses Thu 20-Dec-12 11:48:51

Ha ha - I love 'cockweasel' grin

Here's a wine to all of us who are going to take no crap in 2013, starting NOW!

Marymoo73 Thu 20-Dec-12 16:25:58

Have my mum coming over Christmas Day. She's bloody terrifying, so I have no doubt he will do a runner. Great at being a twunt, no so great at confrontation! smile

jingleallthespringy Thu 20-Dec-12 18:04:51

iiwy I wouldn't tell him your inner workings eg you told him how his behaviour made you feel etc. Don't bother, he only cares about himself. Your inner life is private - he's not invited. Try not to engage with him on a personal level.

Glad you're putting your foot down. way to go smile

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