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Dumpable offence?

(42 Posts)
Lueji Mon 17-Dec-12 23:30:07

I met this guy online about 6 months ago and hit it off easily.

We have a sort of LDR because we live in different towns (45m away) although we work in the same city, although not close to each other.

My issues are that I am divorcing DV ex. He was very jealous and at some point wrote that he’d kill me if I got with someone else. Not that I care that much about the specific threat, but I don’t want him to pester DS or to difficult the divorce even more if he finds out.

So, I have been keeping it secret from DS (7), which means not meeting very often. Also because ex is not around to take DS some days of the week.
And I don’t want to impose a relationship on DS without being fairly confident it will last.

We spend the night together at best every 15 days, but usually meet 1-3 times during the week. Mostly for about 1 hr, or more at weekends (usually with DS too). We also talk for an hour or more every night on the phone.
He has been mostly great, is good with DS and even the cat. I have met a friend of his, but not his family, nor him mine (in this case mostly by lack of opportunity). Although I was considering introducing him over the Christmas holidays.

There have been little things. More like yellow flags, that I have noted, but haven’t considered significant so far, and nobody is perfect.
However, when I stayed at his over the weekend, when we were in bed starting to getting it on (and that is a different thread), he said: “You have to tell your DS that we are together. It's all very well meeting like this, but I want to be able to spend more time overnight at yours”
I was shocked enough to stop it. And he asked me if I was sad, which, again, was a bit weird, IMO. I said I was pensive. At the time I admitted that maybe I was being too cautious. But thinking more and more about it, it feels like a red flag.
It was the timing and the words he used.
I would be receptive to a proper conversation about the subject, at another time, and without being told, particularly something that involves a young DC.
I think I have made up my mind to finish it off. Probably tomorrow and I have bailed out of tonight’s regular phone chat. But would like to have your opinions.

Could he just be frustrated? I can understand it.
Or could really there be something behind it?
Because of ex (and MN) my spider –twat-- senses are on full alert (even if they are not full proof). And his words can't get out of my mind.

FlourFace Mon 17-Dec-12 23:32:15

Sorry, why was what he said bad? He wants to see you more, make it official by telling your child?

What's the problem?

Doha Mon 17-Dec-12 23:35:13

I Really can't see anything shocking in what he said.
Perhaps you are not ready to tell your DC that you have a BF but l can only read that he wants to spend more time together and formalise your relationship

Doha Mon 17-Dec-12 23:35:45

oops x-posted with FlourFace

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 17-Dec-12 23:37:39

it doesn't look like he's done anything wrong to me - why do you think it's a problem that he wants you to tell your ds your seeing him?

BOFingSanta Mon 17-Dec-12 23:37:59

It doesn't sound unreasonable to me, but you don't sound ready for dating either. Perhaps it's best to knock it on the head anyway.

Lueji Mon 17-Dec-12 23:38:28

It was the telling me that I had to.
And when we were initiating sex.

Like I mentioned, I would be open to a proper conversation bout it at another time and without being told that I had to.

FlourFace Mon 17-Dec-12 23:41:05

I think you are reading too much into the 'have' personally. And some people don't have great timing

< shrug >

wannabedomesticgoddess Mon 17-Dec-12 23:41:10

I can see your point about the red flags. Im not sure I would dump him over it though. Can you tell him how you feel about the way he said it and also about telling your DS? I think you might be able to tell a bit more from his reaction.

It doesnt always have to be a red flag, but I can see why you are wary after DV with your ex.

CuriousMama Mon 17-Dec-12 23:41:29

Nothing he said sounds wrong. You don't sound ready though and you can't be that bothered if you'd dump him so easily?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 17-Dec-12 23:41:44

So what if he said it before sex? seriously, so what?

Anyway, I agree with BOFingSanta, you don't sound ready for a relationship.

FlourFace Mon 17-Dec-12 23:41:47

And if you're after a proper conversation about it, you should initiate it! smile

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 17-Dec-12 23:43:53

My guess is that he was just then feeling very emotionally close to you, and this was his way of telling you he wants more commitment?

ReallyNotTotallyStupidPromise Mon 17-Dec-12 23:46:38

I think that it's very hard to know without being there - I think 'tone' might have been everything. Going off what you have written I wouldn't be at all bothered. It's hard because I think you should always trust your gut instinct, but when that has been royally screwed with... it's not so easy.

To me - it sounds like 'I really want to be with you, I love doing this, I want to be able to do it more often & at your house, you need to tell your DS so we can'... BUT I wasn't there and it might not have been. Don't put an end to it, but stay alert to flags would be my suggestion.

Viviennemary Mon 17-Dec-12 23:49:34

I think you are reading too much into it. And this business about telling your DS about him is probably at the front of his mind and he feels the relationship can't move forward unless you tell your DS. Can't see anything whatsoever wrong with that. He sounds really mature, considerate and responsible.

izzyizin Mon 17-Dec-12 23:54:48

After 6 months he wants to move your relationship up a notch and he broached the subject when you were in romantic mode in bed. Where are the red, yellow, or orange flags in that?

This would seem to be more about your reluctance to be pen about him in case your ds reports back to your stbxh who may make good on his threat or delay the divorce process.

How far down the line is your divorce? When do you expect the decree nisi to be pronounced?

fortyplus Mon 17-Dec-12 23:58:40

You're being way too sensitive! I would interpret it as him expressing firmly that he sees you as a long term prospect.

As for the 'have to' - well I'd probably say 'You just have to try my mum's Christmas cake - it's delicious!'

Lueji Mon 17-Dec-12 23:59:25

Perhaps, Gold. And that's how I reacted then.

I'm thinking of discussing it with him. One of the issues is that yes, maybe, I shouldn't really be in a relationship right now.
And it's possibly true that I'm not really in love. Otherwise I'd be keener to be with him more often.
But I also get the feeling somehow that he's not that keen either. That I have only "saved" him from a life alone, which supposedly he had resigned to.

To put it more into context, the bed department hasn't been great. In the sense that we have both had orgasms before but not through intercourse, and he has some trouble keeping it up.
When it came out, it sounded a bit like he was blaming me for it, as he did once previously, saying that it didn't work well because we rarely were together overnight.

I don't know. In many ways he is very considerate and great.

izzyizin Tue 18-Dec-12 00:00:17

"You have to tell your DS that we are together" Poor choice of words which most probably reflects his frustration at not being able to be spend as much time making out with you as he'd like.

If you're waiting for your divorce to be finalised before you have him stay over when your ds is around, tell him so and tell him why.

Aspiemum2 Tue 18-Dec-12 00:00:32

My dh has all his 'deep and meaningful' thoughts in bed, seems to be the only chance we get to talk!
I wouldn't worry about his timing at all.

I agree with the others, you're probably not ready and looking for problems.

As an ex single mum, we're not always easy to date. Our priorities are elsewhere, we change plans at a moments notice, we bail on dates due to sick kids or childcare letting us down.

Maybe he just likes you but wants you in his life a bit more?

Lueji Tue 18-Dec-12 00:05:19

If you're waiting for your divorce to be finalised before you have him stay over when your ds is around, tell him so and tell him why.

Sorry, izzy. Tell who so and why? Partner or DS?
Partner knows fully well why.

I also feel a bit uneasy about getting that committed without having even met his parents, who live in the same building as he does.
But I guess I'll have to tell him that.

garlicbaubles Tue 18-Dec-12 00:18:01

I think I see what spooked you.

There's the timing - absolutely dreadful time to broach a major relationship issue; this would always feel like pressure. I suspect people do this when they don't want a discussion. It is worrying, yes.

"You have to" isn't a thoughtful or considerate way to address said issue. You've discussed it before; he knows your concerns; he's issuing an order nonetheless. Worrying.

"I want to be able to spend more time overnight at yours" - not 'I want us to spend more time together'. This is about him and what he wants to do where. It sounds controlling somehow.

Even taking his remark as completely innocent, as I did on first read, I would have said trust your instincts. Having taken a more forensic look, I'm saying I agree with your instincts.

ReallyNotTotallyStupidPromise Tue 18-Dec-12 00:44:35

Reading your other posts, it sounds a bit of a crap relationship tbh. I'd dump him - there's no way I'd get in deeper with someone who made me feel like I was just a slightly better option than being single.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 18-Dec-12 00:51:51

You say that you don't connect sexually and that you think he only with you because he doesn't want to be alone.

But what about you?
Why are you with this man?

badinage Tue 18-Dec-12 00:52:46


There seem to be a lot of fledgling relationships on MN at the moment where the sex is a bit crap. In which case, I just can't see the point of sticking around.

I agree that if you were that into him you'd probably have initiated this convo yourself and you wouldn't be so spooked by what could have been a reasonable request, even though the timing was a bit shit - and you wouldn't be going straight to dumping him for it.

Get your own head straight about why you're really dumping him though.

You don't need an excuse.

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