How do you deal with lies?

[SneezyPanda]

I've posted 2 embarrassingly long posts on pretty much the same topic, so I hope that this will be much shorter and a little different

How would you/do you react if you find out your DH/DP has lied to you? Obviously cheating would be an instant LTB, but how would you react to smaller lies? For eg, telling you they were working but they were actually at the pub, lying about who they're meeting, concealing financial things, lying by omission etc.. Different reaction if it was just once or repeated many times?

Would it be an instant end to the trust/relationship or would you try and look into the reasons why they lied? Would you ask them to do more of the legwork to be "forgiven", or expect to work yourself on forgiving and forgetting?

What circumstances would cause you to lie to your partner?

[Foolagain]

I might lie about a present eg hide it and pretend I hadn't bought one. I might lie about something to spare his feelings eg. yes I really enjoyed that evening with your work colleagues even if I had not particularly. I would never lie about where I was, what I was doing. There is no need to.

why is he lying ?

[dontyouwantmebaby]

I wouldn't lie to my partner under any circumstances.

I don't think lying about eg. cheating is any different to "smaller lies" such as "telling me they were working but they were actually at the pub/lying about who they're meeting/concealing financial things/lying by omission etc"

I wouldn't expect them to do the legwork to be forgiven/nor would I bother to work myself on forgiving and forgetting. I don't think there's any excuse for lying, ever. It's just not healthy in any relationship. Please don't go down the forgive/forget route or expect them to be "good" to receive your approval/trust again.

[badinage]

I'd work out that if he lied about some things he'd lie about others.

I wouldn't work out his 'reasons' to lie because there is only ever one reason; for life to go on without having to suffer the consequences.

You can't forgive someone who's not sorry and will do it again and you can't make yourself forget.

If someone's abused your trust though, it's his job to get it back - not yours.

[Bogeyface]

Lying is something that most people do sometimes because they feel they must, to protect someones feelings or to keep themselves safe for example. To others, it is a natual instinct and they couldnt tell the truth if their lives depended on it.

Its usually pretty easy to tell the difference.

The first, I would let it go, the latter would be ltb.

[izzyizin]

In my book there are little white lies told for well-intentioned reasons of diplomatic expediency and there are unnecessary porkies that would give Pinocchio a run for his money.

As I have read your other threads zero tolerance for the latter, I have no hesitation in advising you to dump the fucker - and to do it sooner rather than later.

[tallwivglasses]

Totally what izzy said.

[DozyDuck]

The only thing lying achieves is to make you a fucking liar.

And if you're a liar then you could lie about anything.

I thought I had trust issues once, until I met my BF who goes out a lot and has a lot of female friends but always tells the truth.

Turns out I had liar issues.

I would dump him

[Minstrelsaremarvellous]

Just don't deal in lies. My ExH was an accomplished liar and an ExBoyf many years ago too. You spend your time second guessing and you don't know what's real anymore. That's no life.

[financialwizard]

We don 't have lies in our relationship and that is what keeps us strong.

My exh was a career liar and I only found out a lot of them after I left him. I would NEVER put up with a liar again. Especially if it involves money.

[ItsALongWayToPickAWilly]

My ex used to lie about little things all the time, then he moved on to bigger lies over time. Even with the truth right in front of us he would lie. It literally drove me crazy and i had a nervous breakdown.

These days I don't put up with lies under any circumstances. There's no excuse

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Can't stand liars. It's usually because they don't want to face up to the consequences of their actions and, whilst 'I didn't do it' it might be an understandable response in a little kid, it's disgusting behaviour in an adult. If you can't trust someone, what's the point?

[SneezyPanda]

Instinctively I agree with all of you.

Badinage CogitO I think you've hit the nail on the head in his case here - "because they don't want to face up to the consequences of their actions and, whilst 'I didn't do it' it might be an understandable response in a little kid, it's disgusting behaviour in an adult."

Excuses like "If you knew you might be upset and I didn't want to put you through that", (surely that should be -I knew you would be upset so I didn't do it??) "I knew you'd get the wrong idea so I hid it from you", "didn't see the point of you knowing" "didn't mean for it to turn out like that" etc etc.. Almost as irritating as the lying is the fact he seems to think I'm some kind of irrational, controlling lunatic whereas he thinks his behaviour is fine and something most married men do.

At the time of these lies I was pregnant/with a newborn, abroad with only really him for support and tried to downplay it to myself as the thought of leaving in that condition was terrifying, and he seemed so convinced it was me with the problem, I was stupid and kind enough to "forgive" him. Did give him quite a hard time about it though, of course. Now 3 or 4 years have past, he's made sacrifices to come and live in the uk with me, says he knew what he did hurt me and he'll never do it again, but he's said that before hasn't he

Problem I have now is all these lies were 3 or 4 years ago, since then he hasn't done the same kind of thing again but every time he adds a new woman on fb, or starts talking about someone, I do get a bit of a knot in my tummy and wonder if I'm being told the whole story. I;m sure if you've read my previous posts you can imagine how he reacts if I try to bring the subject up again.

If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would ltb And of course if I found out it was happening again, that would be it for me.
But what can I do now when it was so far in the past, and he's made sacrifices since then to try and make things better? This is the part I'm struggling with.

[nannyof3]

U need to try and move on, if theres no trust, theres no relationship ! X

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"I do get a bit of a knot in my tummy and wonder if I'm being told the whole story"

This is grounds enough to ask someone to leave. You don't need extra examples or proof. You don't need to stick around, wasting your life, waiting for him to be shown up as a liar again. No amount of 'sacrifices' can compensate for someone who's default setting seems to be deception.

What you're describing is mistrust and with very good reasons. It is a horribly stressful way to live wondering what someone isn't telling you, wondering if they're still up to their old tricks but just covering their tracks better. Often we think we're being irrational when the reason for our suspicion can be subtle signals that we're picking up subconsciously. You've no idea how relaxing it is not to live with a liar and a cheat

What can you do now? Very simple. Decide if this 'knot in your tummy' is something you want to live with for the rest of your life. You can't change him, you can only change yourself

[Mysa]

I can't imagine staying in a relationship where one person is lying about fundamental things like where they are or who they are with. You obviously don't trust him any more, and if it's really has been 3 years of him being totally open and honest with you then I think you never will again.

To answer your other question - the only thing I'd lie about (unless it's present or surprise related) is how much something relatively cheap cost, e.g. I might knock £20 off a new bag. That's still bad, though, isn't it...