No, actually, DH, I am not horrible.

[openerofjars]

I am on mat leave and do most of the housework. I sorted nursery places for the DC for when I go back to work. I did the primary school visits for DS for applying in January. I meal plan, shop and cook. I do all the bastard laundry. I have bought all the Christmas presents that aren't for me. I had a few hours to myself today to do a baby and child first aid training course I had chosen to do while DH had the DC. I am taking his mum to the carols at the local church tomorrow, even though I am an atheist, because she is a top MIL and I want to do something nice for her. I take the bins in for my neighbours. I am doing a reasonable job with the DC (so far).

Because I asked him not to leave my open makeup bag on top of the loo cistern above the open loo (he borrowed my tweezers) tonight I was criticising him, which apparently I always do, and I need to stop criticising him, like ever.

Because I did the washing up without checking with him first if he would rather do that or bathe the DC, I am making all the decisions for him and controlling him (he was in the bathroom for 20 mins after tea, it needed doing and the DC were happy to play nicely on the floor together for ten mins while I washed up) so I bathed them as well to shut him up.

Tonight he told me, in the DC's hearing, that I m horrible and awful because of this.

So I have told him that I am actually a good person and not horrible, actually, but that I do feel taken for granted and bullied. No reply.

I have a great life in other respects and sure, things are busy at the moment but they are also fun, but my husband can't stand me. He may be a bit depressed (work is massively getting him down at the moment) but then again he could just be being unpleasant.

We have no sex life at all because I have consant abdominal pain following having the DC but also because I cannot bring myself to have sex with someone who can happily sit on his bum watching me do housework at 9pm. But his work Secret Santa got him an Anne Summers sex guide, so we should be back on track in no time .

Can someone tell me it's all okay and just Xmas stress? I am too tired to fight and I haven't even returned to work yet.

[bellechristmas]

Oh hun, it's not you, he's being a nob. It must be the day for it. My DH just had a cob on 'cos I said 'yes, you are washing up', I've done it four times so far this week and he's done it once. But he's got a cold and apparently that entitles him to do FA today.
Hang it there, YANBU.

[NervousAt20]

YANBU at all he is and it sounds like you need more support

[openerofjars]

At least you got sulked at for telling him it's his turn! I got called controlling for actually doing the washing up.

Although I bet you didn't get a break last time you had a cold. I don't.

My breast pump broke last night, when I needed to express for today and his sole contribution was, "Well, what do you want me to do about it? I'm off to bed, don't make such a drama about it", "it" being an hour round trip at 10:30 to see if Sainsbury's had a replacement.

I really do feel that he hates me. He looks like he does when he looks at me.

I did cry real tears when the pump broke as I had been really looking forward to a glass of wine and an early bed so maybe be was right. I am a crap drama queen who continually makes a big song and dance about nothing

[openerofjars]

I have loads of support from my mum, and other people I know do more with less. I'm not lacking in support from outside the home, honestly.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something keeps you within this, what is it?.

No this is not okay at all. Far from it. I daresay as well there is far more to this too.

How old are your children?. What are they learning from the two of you about relationships?.

Being stressed at work is no reason or justification for the way he is treating you. Telling you in the DCs earshot that you are horrible and awful is damaging to them as well as you; they will likely be confused by their Dad saying that.

Saying as well that you are too tired to fight says to me that this has been going on for some time now and you have been ground down by him. This is not Christmas stress at all.

Re the constant abdominal pains it is in your interests to get this checked out by a gynae. GP should refer you. Something is causing this pain, you need to find out what it is for your own sake.

[bellechristmas]

I honestly don't think you're being a drama queen for crying over the breast pump, I would have cried as well.
You sound like you need some tlc, is there any chance you could have a chat with him and tell him how you're feeling.

[openerofjars]

The constant abdo pain is pelvic congestion, I had a laparoscopy last year but we were trying for DD then. I've asked my GP to refer me back again.

The DC are 4yo and 6mo. They are my worlds. I can't imagine life without them.

I don't know what I am getting out of this right now. I am not blameless, I nag and mutter and won't shag him etc. He often gets up with the DC at the weekend and gives me a lie in and actually I should give him a turn tomorrow. i like him and I miss the sweet man I married. He is my friend and my love and I can't believe I feel so low about how we are with each other. I am often grumpy because of the pain. I am tired and crabby. I can't be arsed doing crafts etc with the DC. I snap at everyone because I am tired too.

Fuck, I think he's gone to bed.

[openerofjars]

Well, he is in the spare room (where I slept last night because i couldn't sleep) and went to bed at 8:45, and was asleep when I checked just after.

I am also getting worried that he isn't well because there just isn't a reason for being this tired.

I have done the online shop and the washing. And DS won't go to sleep so I am dealing with him as well.

I don't know whether to be cross or sad or both.

[wallypops]

Was he pleased about having kids? Only this situation sounds a LOT like my exH. Lets just say it ended badly (and continues on badly). Does he accuse you of his own faults? ie is he generally controlling while accusing you of it, does he accuse you of not listening, and then doesn't listen.

I fell in love with an amazing guy, who completely changed when I got pregnant earlier than planned. I ended up married to a monster cos I was waiting for the ace guy to reappear. Turns out the ace guy was an act, and the monster was the real deal.

[AbigailAdams]

You aren't nagging, you are asking him to pull his weight. He, on the other hand, is being abusive.

What do you want to do?

[openerofjars]

I want to stay with him but I want us to get on better. I want to want to have a sex life with him and I want him to be happy. I want to be happy and to feel less like I am often griping.

DH's job has changed recently back to the way it was: it had improved greatly after a few really stressful years and now he feels he is back at square 1 and while he doesn't want to leave it is clearly really getting him down. I wish I could wave a magic wand for him and make it all better again.

We both wanted the DC like crazy and love them to distraction. We both went into parenthood with our eyes open. There is no question that he did not want to be a father. He is a lovely dad and was brilliant when I was pg and was a fantastic birth partner both times. He is finding DS hard work at the moment, though he is working on positive parenting and trying to reward him more than getting grumpy with him.

I am not perfect and I am of course only giving my side. I am having a hard time seeing his behaviour as abusive as I am not a passive victim and I am sure he would be able to point out all the times I am unfair, cross, moody etc.

It has also been a hell of a funny year, with a house move this autumn hard on the heels of DD's birth in the summer. We are both stressed about the costs of Christmas and arranging it as well.

I just want us to have some breathing space so we can just enjoy being for a few weeks but it has been crazy and it is so easy to see each other as a problem rather than supporting each other. And I go back to work at the start of January so I can't see how it can get any easier.

[openerofjars]

Thank you for posting and talking/listening to me tonight. If I'd had to just stay in alone with nobody to talk to I'd be in bits tonight. I am going to go to bed in a minute and enjoy the last night of DD being in our bedroom . She is a lovely little snuffly presence and I'm going to go and adore her for a minute or so before turning in.

I'm also going to revel in having a king size bed to myself for a change!

I know if someone else had written my posts I would be wondering why not just leave but I don't feel abused, iykwim. I feel tired and sad and worried, but I don't feel scared or like I'm walking on eggshells. I can tell DH when he is being a tool, without fear, and I just want things to be okay.

[AbigailAdams]

Giving you a hug openerofjars.

Sitting there/sleeping (regularly) while your partner is still doing all the work around the house is at the very very least disrespectful. I call it abusive because he is having a better/easier life at your expense.

The problem isn't so much his behaviour as his attitude. And attitudes are very hard to change because they are entrenched.