New partners child

[cluelesstoday]

I'm after some advice please! My partner of ten months is lovely, thoughtful, kind... bla bla... we get on great, things couldnt be easier really.... he talks long term about mving in together etc... everything is good. But his child (who doesnt live with him but he sees a lot of) has issues with our relationship i think.... Until recently we all got together (my kids, his child) every other weekend and sometimes for tea in the week... to start with everything was great... but i think the novelty has worn off for his child and everytime we got together he threw a tantrum (he is 10!) if he didnt get his way (over minor things). Cutting a long story short, i think basically he doesnt want to share his dad at all, when he sees dad giving attention to anyone else the tantrums start (and they are full blown howlers any 2 year old would be proud of).

I dont think my partner really has any idea how to deal with this and has basically given in to him...and we now dont all get together (partner is very much take the easy non confrontational route). During the last tantrum we spoke to his child and he admitted he didnt ant to spend time with us all, that he would rather have life his way, doesnt care if his dad and i want to be together (Im paraphrasing) DP says his child is dyspraxic and thats the route of the problems. I have little experience of dyspraxia but my understanding is that its a coordination thing, not an emotional response thing....

I realsie kids need time to adapt etc... but we have done the slowly gently approach... and everything was going great....

It now basically means we get very little time together... and over the xmas hols we will see each other for 2 days out of 16, for example.

In a nutshell i think DP doesnt really want to deal with the issue and lets his child manipulate him thru emotional blackmail (plenty of evidence for this). But I cannot see how our relationship can be long term if we dont address this.... so what do i do? how can i sort this out?

[LemonBreeland]

If your DP is going to use dyspraxia to excuse bad behaviour then things are not going to improve.

If he won't deal with the issues then you don't really have a future. Maybe you need to say this to him. Tell him that clearly the status quo can't continue.

[Xales]

Does his son ever get any time alone with your P now?

[CabbageLeaves]

I don't think you can

My DD threw a few mega tantrums when DP had I got together. She was disturbed and needed reassuring that her position wasn't threatened. I dealt with it as per normal...no giving in to the tantrum but plenty of good attention when behaving well.

DP was supportive and understanding. I was embarrassed in case he thought she was childish/badly behaved or that I'd been an inadequate parent but he was unfazed and told me she was unsettled and to give it time. He didn't get involved in any way. Had he waded it on any level I'm afraid I'd have binned him. DD did not need disciplining from a stranger

(Not suggesting you're doing this)

Your DP has to deal with it. He will want to put DC first. Let him but suggest fun things for the child in your time together. It should be all about him to start with

[cluelesstoday]

i am going to speak to him about it... but i have tried before and he gets really defensive... frankly i do think its bad behaviour rather than anything else and i feel awful for saying that. But i dont see why a ten year old gets to ruin an otherwise lovely realtionship. On top of this, my kids are wondering whats happened and ask for them a lot. I made a decision to introduce them because i thought this was going really well.... :(

[cluelesstoday]

xsales... yes his son get a lot of time alone with dp... three nights a week and every other weekend plus school holidays...

[cluelesstoday]

cabbge.... thanks.... i hear what you are saying.... i have not in anyway disciplined his child, other than when in my house he has the same rules as my children!... ie, take your own plate out, dont jump on the sofa... nothing major!

I have been really supportive and understanding.... but i dont think giving in to him entirely is ever going to help.... its just seperating our lives entirely... we have so little time together as it is.... about 8 hours a week.....

but like you say, DP needs to deal with it... i just need advice on how to ask him to do this....

[AmberLeaf]

Dyspraxia is often co morbid with other things ie ASD. It isnt just about co ordination in the physcial sense.

When did you all start spending time together?

You have only been with this man ten months IMO even after that length of time it would be too soon to introduce children especially one with special needs.

[MusicForTheMasses]

My son has dyspraxia and it isn't all about movement there are emotional issues (in fact, my son has these mainly). www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/services/ad_symptoms.php my son hates change of any sort, but has survived his Dad walking out! He still has his moments though, they tend to get very worked up about things.

Maybe go back to easing him into things, although it does sound like he is trying it on a little bit. x

[akaemmafrost]

Dyspraxia can have multiple social and emotional issues. It's not just physical.

[cluelesstoday]

amber... we started spending time together after about 6 months... but never act in a 'couple' type way around the children...

do u think ten months is really too early? we dont act as a couple around the kids, dont stay overnight when we have the kids..... its more of a playdate type thing....

sorry i dont kno what asd is... im just going on what dp has told me...

[AmberLeaf]

asd = autistic spectrum disorder

I think you should read a bit about dyspraxia, I say this genuinely, not as a dig!

Yes I really do think six months is too early to introduce 1 a new partner to your children and 2 introduce that partners children to your children.

Too much way too soon.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"But i dont see why a ten year old gets to ruin an otherwise lovely realtionship".

His child cannot be blamed here. He has already had his life changed when his birth parents separated from each other. He may now regard you as perhaps a potential future stepmother and is fearful of further change along with as he perhaps sees it "losing" his Dad to you people.

If anyone is at fault here then it is his Dad solely for overcompensating towards his child as his coping mechanism for feeling guilty about the previous separation.

You cannot yourself alone sort this out. It needs him as well as you and he is not willing and or able to step up to the mark.

[nkf]

I think you are spending a lot of time together given it's such a new relationship.

[cluelesstoday]

can you tell me about the social/emotional issues... what is it like?

i'm not dismissing it, but when the tantrums occur only when he doesnt get his own way I'm not convinced its down to the dyspraxia entirely. it can be anything from not getting bought something he has seen in a shop, to not getting his choice on tv, sharing toys/games, losing at a game.......

His dc lives with his mum and her partner, has known his dad's (now ex) wife.... who i know found all this hard too......

[MusicForTheMasses]

Have you had a look at the link I posted? That has the physical and social/emotional issues. x

[cluelesstoday]

nkf... 8 hours a week is too much time together?? really??? that is dp and i get 8 hours a week.... without the children... our children do not see each other at all now....

[cluelesstoday]

music, thanks i have read it.. that does explain it better...

meerkat... im not blaming dc as such... not at all! I'm just thinking we need a way of dealing with it, rather than ignoring it and hoping it will go away.... because unless we find a way to make it easier for dc to accept things, nothing will improve will it. I also agree about overcompensating...(alto dp and dc's mu sperated 7 years ago)

as an outsider i see all sorts of boundary issues, parenting "mistakes" (cant think of another word!!) that dp is making... but its really not my place to say... i do make the odd suggestion as gently as i can.... this is all new to me!

[nkf]

Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought all the time he saw his son was spent with you and your children too.

[cluelesstoday]

nkf... no! i agree thats too much... no, when we did get together it would be for tea... so a couple of hours, or a playdate out somewhere for a couple of hours....

[AmberLeaf]

Don't make suggestions.

Parenting a child with special needs is not like parenting a child without.

You need to learn a bit more about dyspraxia really, you have already come out with a few 'typical of the ignorant' cliches about behavior.

This is why it is not sensible to bring new partners around your children so early on.

[cluelesstoday]

amber... i know I'm no expert here... thats why i'm asking for help!! I wasnt told about his dyspraxia until the tantrums started a few months after the children had met... i had no idea. DP wanted me to meet his dc.... i would never push my way in.... and as i say... we didnt present ourselves to the kids as a couple.

what are my ignorant cliches?... i am trying to learn!!

[cluelesstoday]

i have tried to look up about dyspraxia... but nothing i had found had mentioned about the emotional side ...

so what could i do amber? dp seems unwilling to do anything, partly because i dont think he knows what to do either.... when we talked to his dc, i did all the talking/coaxing/encouraging etc.... he was silent... i need some helpful suggestions for both of us i guess

[AmberLeaf]

The thing about so called bad behavior only when he doesnt get his way, which could actually be him reacting badly to a sudden deviation from his norm, routine may make him feel secure, a change from the routine could cause issues?

It not being dyspraxia, just bad behavior. That sort of thing.

Im really not knocking you, I think your partner as this little boys dad should know what his boundaries are and not push him into situations that are for his dads benefit.

My advice would be to read up on dyspraxia, read what parents of children with dyspraxia say about their experiences and find patience IF you think the relationship is worth it.

[AmberLeaf]

Oh god, you will have a job if your DP is not going to make any effort.

[AmberLeaf]

Some info here