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What a night

(41 Posts)
Tearsforfears Sat 15-Dec-12 07:53:37

Well I just can't believe this is happening to me. Know DH and I hadn't been getting on lately but last night he tells me he has been having an affair. I am devastated totally in shock and feel like my heart has been ripped out, we have been together 22 years - 18 married. My 15 year old DS heard us talking and knows what is going on and he has shut himself away in his bedroom I just want to hold him and tell him it is going to be ok but teenagers can be tricky at the best of times.
Husband slept in other room last night and has left the home this morning to go to work. I have asked him to pack and leave later today. I have been up most of the night trying to get my head around it. There is a part of me that wants to try and sort this out but another part just wants him gone. Never thought I would even consider staying with someone who has had an affair am I stupid for wanting this.
Sorry this is all over the place but my head is at the moment and just feel so alone.

peppapigpants Sat 15-Dec-12 08:00:50

Have not been in your shoes, but I think it best for you if he goes. You will get excellent advice here, I just wanted you to know there is someone here for you. You will get through this.

KirstyWirsty Sat 15-Dec-12 08:40:20

tears I am sorry you are going through this .. It is best that he leaves even if you want to try and make a go of it.. He needs to see what he is losing and for you to get some space

Nomorepain Sat 15-Dec-12 08:55:12

Let him go. I have been in your shoes and it is completely understandable that you want to make a go of things. Change is difficult. By telling you about the affair he has already let you know that he doesn't have enough respect and love for you to stay faithful. You don't want to share your man with anybody and you are worth than being his second choice.

It will not be easy being in your own but it is easier than trying to constantly second guess a cheat.

Let him go and give you both some headspace just try not to put him on a pedestal. He is not a prize that you need to win back. He is a dirty cheat that has been deceiving you and your child. Do not beg for him to come back. You don't want a relationship built on pity. I did that and my stbexh resented me and my children massively.

Good luck and get as much info from these boards as possible. There are lots of wise women here who will offer you a lot of help xx

Autumnalis Sat 15-Dec-12 09:08:36

Sorry to read this. Your head must be hurting this morning. Try and sleep if you can.

SobaSoma Sat 15-Dec-12 09:15:29

OP you've been very strong to ask him to pack and leave, well done. The others are right, even if you do try to mend things he needs to be somewhere else so you can have some mental and physical space and he needs to know you're not tolerating his behaviour.

Very good advice from nomorepain about seeing him for what he really is. My then DH didn't admit to having an affair (although he probably was) and left us unexpectedly but I rebuilt my life and am very happy now. Go and give your boy a hug if you haven't already. And a hug to you.

HollyBerryBush Sat 15-Dec-12 09:15:56

Sorry sweetheart. Now is not the time to be making rash decisions about the future. You need some breathing space to work out what you want.

It may be that your relationship is salvagable, it may not. Neither of you will be thinking clearly today.

Mrsgorgeous Sat 15-Dec-12 09:16:19

I went through this in February of this year although he didn't tell me, I found out. We had been together for 24 years and it came as a huge shock to everyone who knew him.

I don't think that you ever get over the betrayal and the first weeks/months can be horrendous BUT it does get easier. its like a bereavement but harder because that person is still alive leading his life without you.
My ex however started to drink again after 15 years and also started to smoke again! I have had letters from debt collectors saying his bank is overdrawn and that his mobile has been suspended....karma is great!!

There are lots of similar stories on here and many people who will give you comfort and great advice.

One thing that has helped me....he is not the person I loved anymore. That person has gone.

I wish you well and will follow this thread to see how you're getting on x

McBuckers Sat 15-Dec-12 09:20:16

I'm so sorry you're going through this awful situation.

I wish I'd chucked my husband out the first time he cheated 14 mths ago. Instead I listened to the begging, gave in and carried on in the marriage. August this year he left me and the kids to go and live with another woman he'd only been seeing a few weeks. I made it far too easy for him to cheat again.

You need to concentrate on what's best for you and your DS.

Has your husband showed any remorse? Is the affair still continuing?


CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 15-Dec-12 09:39:06

"There is a part of me that wants to try and sort this out but another part just wants him gone."

That's pretty normal, I'd say. On the one hand you're so angry, hurt and shocked that you want him gone. On the other, the reality of splitting up is such a life-changing prospect that it's tempting to stick your head in the sand and hope it's all been a big mistake. Sorry you've had such a horrible shock and also very sorry that your DS was caught in the fall-out. Glad he's going to be leaving. That at least give you a bit of breathing space to think about what to do next. Get some RL friends around you for support and look after yourself.

scaevola Sat 15-Dec-12 09:51:31

The shock is a bit like medical shock, and leaves you tired, disorientated, feeling sick and faint. You need to be kind to yourself today, try to eat and catch up on some sleep. Minimise all non-essential activity, and recognise that you are in crisis.

It's totally normal to not know what you want. Getting him out of the house to give you the time and space to think about whether there are circumstances under which you would consider a reconciliation could be a very good move. You do not need to make a final decision now. Only you, in light of the state of your marriage previously and what he has done now, can decide if you want to attempt to reconcile; and you need every bit as much strength to choose to mend a marriage as you do to end it. But that decision really should not be made in the hours, days or even immediate weeks after discovery.

It's really hard, but keep you dignity - just be aloof and stick to the practicalities when he returns to get his things. Because having him out of the way so you can think, and having him in no doubt that he stands to lose you might just get him to think, gets both of you into a state where you can really think about choices and what they mean for the longer term.

I wish you strength for the coming days, but expect you will find yourself stronger than you think. Unless he is truly repentant, there will indeed be no future; and unless he is prepared to make an enormous effort to win you back, it won't happen. He is the flawed person; you are the one who gets to decide if he can ever again be good enough for you.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 15-Dec-12 09:57:56

"Only you, in light of the state of your marriage previously and what he has done now, can decide if you want to attempt to reconcile;"

It doesn't sound to me like that option is on the table at all. He's announced that things have changed and he's leaving. Fait accompli

scaevola Sat 15-Dec-12 10:40:13

Yes, it may be a fait accompli; or he might decide he's made a terrible mistake and want to come crawling back as there's quite a difference between fantasy life of an affair and real life when you encounter real life with the affair partner who may well not live up to expectations. Should that happen, it is exactly why OP needs to be strong and decide whether he could ever again be good enough for her, and not just react to his comings and goings.

OP: sorry to say this, but there are two further things you need to do. One is to book an STI check. The other is to consider your finances. Do you have enough to live on in the short term? And what arrangements need to be made in the event of separation/divorce. Whilst all his stuff is in the house today, it might be worth making a note of account numbers etc.

Wecanfixit Sat 15-Dec-12 11:12:40

So sorry for your shock and for your DS hearing everything that went on, be kind to yourself as the other posts say take time get friends and family if you have that to rally round you and your son, do not make any big decisions it is enough just getting your head around what has just happened to you, big hug to you and your family, sounds like there is alot to sort out in your life and please do not beat yourself up about wanting things to stay the same and taking your husband back, only you will now in time if this can go forwards or back, all the best to you.

Tearsforfears Sat 15-Dec-12 12:21:04

Thank you all for your words you feel like you are the only one this has ever happened to until i read similar posts on here. Have gone to my parents while he moves his stuff out. my best friend rushed straight round this morning and it helped just to be hugged and told it is going to be ok. Am just so numb now. He says he doesn't know what he wants but he must do if he told me about the OW.
I am ok financially for now well will be when I return his Christmas Present to the shop!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 15-Dec-12 12:25:12

So sorry this is happening to you

Let him go. Hold your head up. Don't beg or ask him to reconsider.

CremeEggThief Sat 15-Dec-12 12:39:27

Oh God sad. SO sorry to hear this.

I went through this in June and I have very little RL support. Take up all offers of help for as long as it's going and take things one hour at a time. You will be in shock and probably not able to eat or sleep much all.

What a time of the year for him to drop his bombshell angry.

CremeEggThief Sat 15-Dec-12 12:40:18

And it's about what you want now. Not him!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 15-Dec-12 13:25:48

"He says he doesn't know what he wants but he must do if he told me about the OW. "

Tell him he ought to make a beeping noise when he backs up like that.... hmm It's simply cruel to be given on the one hand the news that there's someone else and, on the other, a very selfish 'I don't know what I want'. Like kicking down the sandcastle and then wondering if a flag or a seashell would have looked best on top. Too late really...

JuliaScurr Sat 15-Dec-12 14:20:32

tears mumsnet will help you
horrible situation for you
you will come through this
one day/hour at a time

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 16-Dec-12 15:13:30

How are you today?

Tearsforfears Sun 16-Dec-12 16:35:40

I feel more in control today. Stayed with my parents last night had too much wine and sent him lots of abusive texts, not my best idea but made me feel better.
He has moved out today and moved into his parents, rather funny as his sister is currently living there because of the exact same reason.
Spoken to a few friends today and everyone is so shocked, they all thought we where a strong unit which I did too.
I have asked him who the OW is but he won't tell me just want to know all about her is that wrong?
Spoken to H today he says he loves me but does not want to be with me, that hurt. Done everything for him even turns out I ironed and packed all his clothes when I thought he was going away with work colleagues and he went away with her!
DS is angry at his Dad just really worried on how he is going to be, he has exams in January and at the moment is doing so well at school and I just don't want this to effect him.
Going to contact solicitors tomorrow to try and sort out my rights. Does anyone know if I go for divorce because of adultery do I have to name the ow? Maybe a bit soon thinking about it but at the moment.
Have read some great pieces of advice on this and other threads has really helped the last couple days.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 16-Dec-12 16:50:39

Glad to see you looking so strong. x

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 16-Dec-12 17:29:06

"he loves me but does not want to be with me,"

I absolutely HATE that one!!! 'I love you but....'. Such a bloody cop-out. Do they think it's going to make you feel better somehow? 'I love you........ but........ I'm going to cast you aside like an old sock, break your heart and flush what's left of your self-esteem down the shitter.' Gee, if that's how you treat people you love, I'd hate be see someone you didn't like!!

It's not too soon to be thinking about divorce. You don't have to have all the details either. Just talk to your solicitor and see what the options are at this stage. Probably pays not to rush into anything but get all the information, take your time and think it all through

izzyizin Sun 16-Dec-12 18:02:47

If you cite adultery as ground for divorce you won't have to name the OW as these days naming and shaming is actively discouraged more's the pity.

To get your ds through his exams, I suggest you take the line that 'these things happen' and don't vent in front of him or within his hearing.

It won't be easy but if you immerse yourself in the unemotional practicalities of ending a marriage you should be abe to put on a brave front for your ds at least until his exams are over - and by faking it you may find you make it.

Source a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family - get recommendations from friends/acquaintances, from your nearest Women's Aid offices or ask on the Legal matters board. Many offer a free half an hour intitial consulatation which should be sufficient to give you an idea of your legal entitlements.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but, as you know, you're not alone and getting to a solicitor before Christmas will at least give you a headstart on the January rush.

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