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extract from a good letter

(5 Posts)
Abitwobblynow Fri 14-Dec-12 15:26:06

My Lesson for Others
What happens in Vegas, Costa Rica, San Diego, Mexico, Miami, New York, Phoenix, St. Louis, San Francisco, Houston, Montreal, Russia, etc actually DOES NOT stay in those places. It stays with you and your marriage/relationship forever.

Every time you engage in email or in-person emotional or sexual relationships you are disrespecting your spouse, your marriage, and your children. You introduce a lie into your relationship, one that by definition separates and negatively impacts intimacy and love. You are forever separated from your spouse and without honesty, making amends, and working to fix it, it can’t be repaired.

Even if your relationship doesn’t explode as mine has or your spouse/significant other doesn’t find out about your dalliances, let me share with you very clearly, you are hurting and disrespecting them deeply and significantly. You are communicating through your actions that they and your relationship do not matter enough to you for you to protect them and care for them. You are showing that you care more about your fleeting and immediate ego gratification needs than you do about their feelings or the family. You are willing to betray them and all that you have built together; betrayal is one of the most difficult things to get over and the trust is nearly impossible to get back in full.

Let the destruction of my children’s family be an example of how things can go terribly wrong. “Divorce” is such an innocuous word and doesn't characterize what this experience is. Let me be clear, this is a horrible tragedy, a blood bath, the destruction of children’s sense of safety and security, a total devastation, a rape of one’s history, memories, and ability to trust oneself and others that takes great time and distance to heal…and I understand that there will always be a scar. In any circumstance divorce is horrible, in one with great betrayal, it is just devastating. Be forewarned.

My disappointment in the community
Do not think for a moment that your actions had no impact; that this is all about Asshat and me alone. While you were out carousing with Asshat, fooling around with him yourself, or having meals or going to events with him and his affairs, you were creating a community for him that accepted his behavior and provided a venue for him to act in this manner. Many of you actually encouraged him and provided venues for him to share emotional and physical intimacies with women other than his wife. You helped make it “okay” for him to act this way without any consequence. A good community helps us be our highest selves. Our friends support our growth and encourage us to do the right thing even when it’s hard. They give us tools and support and encourage us to grow. Asshat's community, those who are getting this email, encouraged his base and immoral self even if solely by looking the other way or thinking you had nothing to do with it. Your presence alone in these situations demonstrated an acceptance.

Additionally, you were having your secret fun on my back. While he was with you, I was alone feeding and caring for our children, bathing and putting them to bed at night, having dinner with them alone, teaching them to read alone, instructing them on manners alone, taking them to and from school alone, playing and dancing with them alone… making a life for them. I was also supporting my husband emotionally when he was in pain, working in my own profession, managing the childcare, doing the grocery shopping, taking care of the house and all our repeated moves, supporting him at work, being there for him when he was down, etc. Who do you think coached him on work challenges? Me. Who do you think held him up when he was depressed or anxious? Me. You were having your secret fun at both your spouse’s/significant other’s expense and mine!

And here is the one thing that I’ll never forgive: You knew what was going on and not a single one of you found a way to let me know, even anonymously…not one, not even those who were supposedly my friends. Not even those who knew of his activities before we had children found a way to warn me before I brought children into this sham of a “marriage.” I’m deeply saddened that not one person cared a whit for me, S8, or S5 and that our society has such “an open mind” that our brains have completely fallen out. For this and this alone, I say shame on you.

Now imagine….you spend 10 years going out to dinner and events with your spouse’s friends and co-workers and 10 years later find out that they've known all along that your spouse has been screwing the neighbors and everyone but you knew. How would you feel then?

Abitwobblynow Fri 14-Dec-12 15:26:39

Oops! forgot: copyright Midlife Forum.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 14-Dec-12 16:40:18

Hi, Abit

Have you changed your mind now about a wronged wife needing someone to tell her of that so she isn't the last to know ? The other day, you were advising a friend of a woman in just that situation that they should not tell her she she was getting cheated on.

Just wondering, really. I used to think I would keep shtum until I (eventually) found out something devastating and felt the whole world was laughing at me.

Abitwobblynow Fri 14-Dec-12 19:31:58

Hi AF, I had a good thought given me by Snowman. I still think that wives should not be told (as an easy option) before the person causing the damage is given a hard time, because it means that the responsibility to manage the situation is put on the blameless person.

My conclusion:

confront the twat; if you can't do that

tell the wife;

but the WORST thing is not knowing, for sure.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 15-Dec-12 00:30:37

fair enough

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