My anxiety is ruining my relationship

[MeltingSnowWoman]

Namechange but frequent member.

Basically, today I'm in a positive mood so can say I have the most wonderful boyfriend. He takes me out at least once a week, texts me every day without fail, spends half the week at my house and mucks in with chores putting the bin out, washing up, tidying up after my kids etc. He treats me like a princess - yesterday he came around after work, saw the state of me (full of cold) and went straight back out into -2 temperatures to get me medicine. He's kind, affectionate, funny, always there when I need him. He'll do anything for me. He's even paying for me and my kids to go on holiday with him because he knows I can't afford it by myself. He's taking me to France this weekend and is spending Christmas with me. I really, genuinely could not ask for a better bloke.

So why then, as soon as he is gone do I worry myself sick that he's using me, hates me, is going out of his way to hurt me etc?? yesterday I wound myself up that much that by the time teatime arrived I'd decided he was going to break up with me when he arrived, the France trip was off, I'd be spending Christmas alone and I'd be spending the next few weeks getting over him. WTF??? he arrived, asked what was wrong as my eyes were sad, I said nothing. He hugged me, made me a cuppa, took me to the cinema and then we came home and watched TV snuggled on the sofa. I had no reason AT ALL to justify my earlier paranoia that my relationship would be over within hours. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Sometimes I take it out on him too, ignore him or cancel on him to try and make him think I'm not bothered about him. I'm terrified I will drive him away but I don't know why I do it

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Usually it's driven by low self-esteem, possibly coloured by previous experiences with bad relationships and maybe a generally pessimistic outlook on life. If, on some level you don't think you're worth his love, then you'll be convinced that he is being fake. If other men have let you down in the past then you'll be half expecting it to happen again. And if you're a 'glass half empty' kind of person or even suffering from undiagnosed depression, you'll think anything good can't last. Can't tell which it is from what you've written but maybe something strikes a chord.

[izzyizin]

Take a look back over your relationship history. Have your ex partners been unreliable, abusive, uncaring, unfaithful?

If there's nothing there to account for your fears, did your parents have a loving and longstanding marriage/relationshp? Did you feel loved by both of them as a child?

[MeltingSnowWoman]

My relationship history is terrible. My first partner I met when I was 16 - we should never have stayed together but things were rushed, I was homeless so ended up moving in with him and his family and before long it became easier to stay together than to split up. We never really loved each other.

Boyfriend after that was another waste of time, no love - just convenient company.

Boyfriend after that was a controlling nightmare - I can't even go into it without getting angry and upset but you get the picture.

Current boyfriend is, I think the only man I have ever truly loved and I think this is what scares me. It's the ones you love the most that can hurt you the most isn't it.

As for my parents - divorced by the time I was 10, father died when I was 11 and mother is a narcissist. No wonder I'm messed up lol

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I think that you at heart feel that you're not good enough and that you do not really love your own self.

Would think too this has an awful lot to do with your childhood at the hands of your narcissistic mother - daughters of such women often feel that they are not good enough and feel trapped by them.

Counselling for you could be helpful to unravel and unlearn all the damaging relationship crap you have learnt to date (seems that you went for the first man who actually showed you any interest). BACP are good and do not charge the earth. A website called Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers may also be helpful.