Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I need a virual shoulder to cry on

(10 Posts)
MouseyHousey Thu 13-Dec-12 11:42:24

Im sorry if this is long and doesnt make sense in places, Im feeling fairly emotional and typing on phone.
Basically recently we (me, DH and 2 DDs) moved across the country for DHs job. We were looking forward to living here as all of DHs family are over here and thought it would be nice for the DDs to see them more and nice for me to have some support/ occasional babysitting close by. We werent expecting everyone to be involved in our lives all the time but were expecting they would be seeing the DDs more. MIL in particular spoke a lot (before we moved) about how she could have the DDs overnight or take them out and was saying how I would be able to go out with them to various social events etc.
Since we have moved here I have never felt more alone my whole life, I have made effort after effort and had nothing in return. I had DHs whole family round for his birthday, invited his MIL to have a meal with us (she didnt come although no exact date was set), tried to arrange to meet them somewhere with DDs but excuses made. This has all kind of come to a head since I found out (through someone DH works with) that there was a family christmas party that we didnt know about. It was a big party, they hired a function suite and it was PIL, BIL and his DW, SIL and her boyfriend, aunts uncles etc and some family friends. I have been excluded from a few things before and MILs usual excuse is that she didnt think I would be able to get a babysitter but this is no excuse this time as it was a child friendly place. I have no idea why this has happened, I feel like before we moved I got on well with all of DHs family. Since moving, MIL, SIL and I had a small disagreement but I thought that had been resolved and we have seen each other since then.
I suppose it doesnt help that my grandma is in hospital at the moment seriously ill and that is definitely making me emotional as we are very close.
Im not sure theres any answers to this, just needed to get it out, no friends here yet so no-one to talk to. Thanks if you got all the way through!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 11:53:57

What bizarre behaviour from your in-laws. hmm What is your DH's response to his family being excluded from this massive Christmas party? Has he said something or is he a placid, 'anything for a quiet life' sort that won't challenge anyone? Have you raised it with them directly? Had the 'what the hell are you lot playing at!!!?' convo?

I think you're going to have to get to the bottom of the 'small disagreement' between MIL and SIL.... a tenner says that it hasn't been resolved at all and you're being sent to Coventry as some kind of bitchy punishment.

CailinDana Thu 13-Dec-12 11:55:37

Could you ask your DH to have a word with his parents to find out what's going on? The family party thing is really awful - in his shoes I would be livid and demand an explanation.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Thu 13-Dec-12 11:56:35

I am sorry its difficult.

I think the 'issue' you had with mil and sil is clearly not resolved. What did your dh say about not being invited?

Would you have moved for dhs job his family had nit lived in that area? If so carry on how you would.

Try and make your own independent friends. Get a hobby, take the kids to kids clubs etc.

Would you feel comfortable telling us what the issue was and what the resolvement was.

susanann Thu 13-Dec-12 11:57:21

Hi im sorry you are having this problem at the moment. Must be awful. You dont say what your DH has to say about this and what, if anything, he has done about it. They are his family after all. I suspect hes keeping out of it!
I would say you or him needs to have a chat with MIL and just ask whats going on. It could just be a misunderstanding.
Also how old are your kids, are they at school yet?

giantpurplepeopleeater Thu 13-Dec-12 12:02:32

Moving a fair distance away from your own friends and family is a very hard thing to do at the best of times. I know, I have done it a few times. It can be very lonely and isolating, and takes much, much longer than many people think to settle down and make friends/ networks and feel settled.

In your case this has been exacerbated by the fact that you were led to belieev that there would be some support and a network in place, and that has fallen through. You must feel very disappointed and given that it is your famil probably a bit bitter about it. Totally normal.

The stuff about your grandma won't be helping either. I'm sorry and I hope she is able to get better soon <<hugs>>.

To be honest I think the fact that you have been left out of a big family celebration by your DH's family is pretty low. And I have 2 very different feelings about it.

THe first is that they are very used to you not being around, and will be used to organising and doing things without you. When I cam home from travelling even some of my best friends would do things like this. It takes a while for you to come back onto their radar and stay there. In this sense I have always thought that (and I realise this is a bit unfair) it's you who needs to make the effort and make sure they keep remembering you, even if it's only a phonecall or inviting them for a coffee. Have you been making the effort with them?

Secondly though, I think for a big family event like this you would have to try pretty hard to forget an intergal part of your family - so I do wonder if there is something more there.

However - what can you do about it? Someone on here recently metioned to 90/10 principle - google it. I think it applies here massively. It basically says that what you make of life is 10% about the things that happen to you and 90% about how you react to them. So how do you react to PILs apparent snub??

Personally I'd say ignore it. Will raising it with PILs help? I would think probably not, although it has a good chance of resulting in a family argument and rift. I wouldn't spend a great deal of effort thinking about and mulling over people who don't want to include you and your family - it's their loss. Instead, use this time to focus on settling into your new home. Find some groups to go to, join in with things at the DC's school if they are that age, maybe try meet ups from here etc. Try to focus on building yourself a new network.

MouseyHousey Thu 13-Dec-12 12:46:48

Argh just wrote a massive response and the connection went!

Thankyou all for your responses - really appreciated. You are right about my DH, he is supportive of me but absolutely useless at confrontation, he was annoyed about the party as well but thought nothing good is going to come by making an issue about it. It is made more difficult by the fact that he now works at the same company as his Mum so he really doesnt want to make his work life difficult. I feel like MIL can be quite manipulative as well, when DH did confront her about our previous issue (detailed below) she cried and told him we dont appreciate everything she does for us hmm

The previous issue we had was about Spetember time, we were over having a meal at PILs. BIL, SIL and respective partners there too. We were all eating when DD2 (2.5) started misbehaving, throwing food and shouting for me to get her out of her chair. I gave her a warning and then when she continued I took her out of the room for a time-out, this is how we usually deal with her. When we came back to the table SIL (19 but very immature), her boyfriend and MIL had gone. I asked what happened and was told SIL had been distressed to see DD2 being told off and was too upset to return to the table. confused DH and I decided to leave straight after finishing our meal because I felt really uncomfortable. DD2 was going through a tantrummy stage and we have been trying to nip bad behaviour in the bud. The next day DH spoke to MIL and said he thought SIL was acting childish and that the whole situation was a bit unsavoury, I had been upset as I felt they were making out that I was a bad parent. MIL said that it upset them to have to see DD2 upset and they thought it was really unnecessary as DD2 wasnt harming anyone. MIL also said how her and SIL dont agree with the way we discipline DDs. DH said to her that it was none of her business how we discipline DDs and he thought it was a hell of a lot better than smacking (how MIL disciplined DH when he was little) and then MIL did her crying thing.

A couple of days later MIL said to DH that while she still doesnt agree with our parenting choices she just wanted to put this behind us all because she wants us all to get along. I agreed even though I still feel that SIL was way OTT and ridiculous and that MIL shouldnt pander to that kind of behaviour.

brady I dont think we would have taken a job elsewhere, unless it had been something truly amazing. This was only a slightly better job but we thought it would be a big bonus to have family nearby.

The DDs are 2.5 and 6, we invited DD1s whole class for a party and Ive been to a few toddler groups with DD2 so I am trying to meet people. I do find it quite difficult to make friends so although I have met a few people I expect it to take a while for friendships to develop.

I think Ive answered all questions, sorry for long post again!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Thu 13-Dec-12 12:53:47

"nothing good is going to come by making an issue about it. "

Then you're going to have to circumvent him. When your MIL pre-move said it would be nice to have the DCs overnight etc I expect she envisaged a situation where she would have some kind of control over their upbringing, not because she wanted to support you. Walking out when you remove a tantrumming toddler from the table and crying when your DH said it was none of her business is all the proof you need of that one.

So don't let it go. Make a new life for yourself and your immediate family that doesn't rely too heavily on their involvement (because they sound weird) but, at the same time, demand to be treated with respect as part of the wider family.... don't go down without a fight.

laverneandshirl Thu 13-Dec-12 13:03:14

Poor you, they sound awful and odd. i would focus on getting your own circle going (which takes time) and enjoying time as a family unit. Try not to be personally hurt by it as that is probably what they want. I had a relative who said they had put a very minor disagreement behind them and they went all out for 2 years to make my life hell! They sound very self-absorbed if they cannot help you out with a tantrumming 2 yr old and make such a ludicrous deal of it.

Unfortunately they do sound like a lost cause. Pls don't waste lots of time trying to fix it. Normal ppl do not behave this way in the first place. Make sure you build a life without them and if they deign to include you accept graciously but don't be drawn into their games. Remember to keep your emotional distance.

As for the perks of being near family, you can get friends to babysit if you do it for them in return so don't give up hope on a social life!

financialwizard Thu 13-Dec-12 14:13:12

Your mil sounds toxic. I would be staying clear personally and doing what you are doing to make friends.

I hope your relative gets better.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: