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Feeling sad & full of regret, no one to talk to, need to get this all out!

(44 Posts)
kipperthedog Thu 13-Dec-12 10:51:39

Hello all smile

It's been about 6 years since I last came on here properly, when I went through a divorce. I found fantastic support here & made some good friends & I am really hoping that I can find some support here again from you lovely people. I'm also thinking that as I have no one in RL to talk to about it all, maybe even just writing it down will help. Sorry it may be long winded & thank you in advance if you make it to the end!!

I have 3 dc's (9,8 & 2) the older 2 with my ex-H & youngest with my current partner. We all live together & the older 2 see their Dad regularly which is all fairly amicable.

Before I met my ex-h (so going back 13 years) I had a fantastic bf whom I lived with & planned to have kids with etc. When I met my future H I just left the bf, dropped him like a hot potato. (Something I really regret now) My H was wrong for me but the excitement of being with someone different overtook what I saw then as settling down too young with the bf. My H & I moved away, I drank a lot & although deep down I knew it was wrong I felt like I had made my bed so had to lie in it so to speak. We ended up having my 2 older dc's (whom I love dearly), getting married for no other reason than that for me to have the same surname as them & finally splitting up. I was heartbroken & felt a failure but it was the right thing as he treated me badly. When I left the original bf he came to find me twice to make sure I was ok but I know now (through a mutual friend) that he is married with kids.

Anyway, I then spent 2 years on my own with dc's which I found a struggle & drank every night on my own to blot out the pain & loneliness & sadness that I felt. I then met my now bf who disliked kids!! It was all very unromantic & he tried hard to not get involved but we did finally get together & now he's great with dc's & his own dc too.

Now I feel really low. I stopped drinking a year ago & suddenly feel I can see things so much clearer, finally. I feel so much regret at how I treated my ex-bf & that I didn't stay with him to have the perfect life we had planned. I feel like I'm having some sort of mid life crisis, mourning my youth (is this normal!!???) & looking back with sadness at the life that has passed. How I have messed up. I do love my kids so much but I feel like I have no life of my own. I'm not sure that I love my bf anymore, we have drifted apart & I feel stuck. like I'm suffocating in the monotony of the daily life. We are skint (which doesn't help) & have had a fairly crap year but I feel like I need to get out & make something more of my life. I have very few friends as we have moved (locally) several times & we never go out due to lack of money & babysitters. I feel stuck where we live as we live near the dc's dad & he says he would fight me for custody if we moved away. I think I may be depressed but I am not one for tablets & feel that I need to take action to sort my life out. Also easier said than done sometimes.. I also feel I want to get in touch with my ex-bf & tell him how sorry I am for the way I treated him & how much I regret it, but is that mad? Will it help? I don't know.

It's all I can do not to cry all day at the minute & I need a shoulder to cry on please sad

freeandhappy Mon 24-Dec-12 13:25:18

Hope you have a happy Christmas x

jingleallthespringy Mon 24-Dec-12 11:27:02

When you've spent a long time on high alert, adrenalin is continually pumping through your system. And adrenalin switches off the 'feelgood' natural brain chemicals... which eventually stop firing pretty much. ADs start them firing again. That's what they do. They're not tranquilisers, which zonk you out, they deal with the brain chemistry that has got out of balance because of long term adrenalin overload. YOur posts are full of anxiety, which will mean adrenalin is constantly present. Do you see how it works? ADs will address the imbalance so the anxiety decreases, the adrenalin gets a rest, and gradually the right balance is restored.

It's a good idea to get counselling in tandem with meds. In fact, I would say it is a must, as you have previously used alcohol to blot out unmanageable stuff - now you've stopped that and you are facing stuff raw, still not at all sure what is going on with you. YOu need the support, you need professional help to work out what is going on, why you are feeling the way you are feeling. YOu have to do some detective work, which takes time, with support from someone who is trained and knows what they are doing.

Regrets can be a significant aspect of depression. As a pp said, if you'd stayed with the first bf you could well be regretting that you stayed with the easy/boring option. YOu sound separated from yourself in some way (join the club, very common) and you'll need a professional to help you find out who you are, to make friends with and embrace yourself. imo it looks like you miss yourself, are grieving for yourself (the self you have abandoned), and you think the way to finding yourself is through another person.

The NHS mental health system can be very cumbersome (slow) so I'd research ways to get counselling independently. Have a look at BACP to find a counsellor near you ('finding a therapist' is on the right of the page in blue, I think). YOu can ask for low cost counselling - the answer will be yes or no. Or get in touch with women's orgs to see about low cost counselling. You may think you can't afford counselling but it's one of those things that is priceless, worth its weight, essential at the right time, an investment.

re coming off ADs - NEVER DO IT SUDDENLY (as a pp can attest). I wish GPs made this clear as it is an absolute disaster to do that. People often feel 'themselves' once the ADs have done their work, and think they don't need them any more. Maybe not, but come off them gradually, over a period of months. It is best to stay on them for approx 6 months so you get the chance to settle in to being back in balance. If longer, then just take them for longer - they are a modern miracle imo and I, for one, thank God for them. Take them for as long as you need to.

HOpe you have a good Christmas xx

kipperthedog Mon 24-Dec-12 10:40:55

Hi awsangel, sorry I haven't posted this last few days. Things are smoothed over for now so just going to get thru Xmas & see how we go. Feeling extra weird today as its my birthday & feeling old!! wink Happy Christmas, hope you have a lovely time x

Dottiespots Wed 19-Dec-12 19:50:21

Hi you feeling this evening? Probably a good idea to have a ceasefire over the festive period. Still think that as you dont know what to do that maybe a trial separation would be best as you can see how it feels to live without each other. If you want to talk keep posting . x

kipperthedog Wed 19-Dec-12 12:27:47

Hello smile

SS, awsangel, yes we did talk but round in the same old circles... not really any further forward although we did talk about having some time apart. I think I'm going to allow it to be smoothed over for now & carry on as we are (trying v hard not to argue!) over Xmas & deal with it after. I know it sounds like a cop-out & it is really but I want dc's to have a good Xmas & for p to spend it with dd so it seems the best solution at the min. I have no doubt that we will be back to square one fairly soon. The trouble is that I don't know for definite what I want to do, one minute I think we should split up & am keen for a new chapter in my life to begin & the next I feel that we should try & work it out. ...

Thanks BertieBotts, that is reassuring. I don't actually think that p would go for 50/50 but it's good to be forewarned of all the possibilities.

Scarey, thanks I'll have a look at that book & what you say does make sense. Hope you get some help feeling low, it's really not a nice way to feel.

Scarey123 Wed 19-Dec-12 11:52:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts Wed 19-Dec-12 09:58:37

50/50 custody is quite rare I think in court orders, it only usually happens when both parents are in agreement and have decided it between themselves. If you are the main carer currently then it would be in your favour as courts like to keep the status quo unless children are at serious risk of harm.

SobaSoma Wed 19-Dec-12 09:06:34

Kipper did you talk to DP last night? How did it go?

Dottiespots Tue 18-Dec-12 19:56:21

Well a temporary separation would give you both time to breath and think about what you really want without totally separating . Explain to him that you dont know how you feel about anything at the moment and you really need some time alone as your in a bad place. Could you go to your mums for awhile? Try to be the adult and not argue and not get emotional but just explain calmly that you need some time apart for both of you.

kipperthedog Tue 18-Dec-12 19:40:00

And thank you SS, I do feel proud that I'm not drowning my feelings in wine anymore smile

kipperthedog Tue 18-Dec-12 19:38:20

Evening, thanks for coming back to check on me smile I've been feeling anxious today, unsure as to what's happening & whether p thinks its over or not. Fluctuating between feeling sad, feeling relieved it may be over & then worried that it may be over... So no definite feeling winning out. P said he's willing to "hear me out" when I asked if we could talk it thru tonight. That's made me feel like he thinks it's all my fault (he always blames me for problems) & has actually made me feel quite cross with him. He asked me what my plans are re moving nearer to my mum so I guess he thinks it's over.. Waiting to put kids to bed before we can talk & hoping I can stop feeling angry with him in the meantime. Maybe a temporary separation would be a good idea...

Dottiespots Tue 18-Dec-12 19:19:47

Hi Kipps......not sure if you have mentioned this...sorry if you have.....but what about a trial separation for you both. Some time apart, a couple of months, might just give you the answer you want. And it gives you both time to see how you feel both on your own and if you miss each other. Anyway, how you feeling yourself today?

SobaSoma Tue 18-Dec-12 17:27:44

Kipper I didn't mean to alarm you about 50/50 custody but it has worked for me and ex-H and more importantly DD! She was however 7 when we separated and I can quite imagine that at 2 you couldn't imagine being away from her for any length of time. It was very hard for me at first too but I gradually got used to it and now she's 13 she seems to prefer spending more time with me. Maybe it doesn't have to get to the point where you're talking about sharing the kids but rest assured, if both parents act in the best interests of the children (and don't try to score points etc), then eventually everyone can be happy.

I think it's fantastic that you managed to stop drinking and have remained abstinent - bloody well done. That shows strength of character and resilience and I'm sure those qualities will help you get through this rough patch you're having. Remember that this, like all things, must pass.

kipperthedog Tue 18-Dec-12 14:09:18

And all this resentment & bad feeling that has cropped up from time to time since we have been together has added to the fact that I have lost my sex drive & don't feel close to him. I wouldn't even say that we are friends at the moment sad

kipperthedog Tue 18-Dec-12 14:07:36

I am totally in dread of him getting 50/50 custody too, (so much so that I would stay with him to avoid it) not because he's a bad Dad but because she is a real Mummy's girl & we have such a special bond I couldn't bear to be without her sad And before anyone points it out - I know that's selfish. I'd never stop him seeing her of course, as regularly as possible. I also personally don't think a 50/50 split is particularly good for the child.

kipperthedog Tue 18-Dec-12 14:03:38

I'm imminently 38!

Some of our worries are about money & there is a lot of pressure on us at the moment due to lack of it. I worry how I would cope financially on my own with 3 dc's & no job at the moment... I don't want to "use" my p because I feel that way though. I am perfectly able to get a job & I'm sure I'd survive, it's just all such an upheaval & having been through a divorce before I guess I know what's coming! I feel like digging a hole & getting right in!

I've been thinking about it & think my p may be depressed. He keeps saying how he's run down & needs rest & feels ill & a couple of times he has said he has nothing to live for & he doesn't care & what's the point. I know it sounds awful & uncaring but I just want him to get a grip & get on with it. He says that he's not sure family life is for him. There's not much I can do about that is there. He knew what he was taking on when we got together. He also really resents my ex-h & says he isn't happy financially supporting him (which he sees as doing by supporting his kids). I wish he would see it that my kids are part of his own family now & that he would want to support them rather than being put-on to do so. He says he loves them & I know they do love him but I find it so hard as his resentment of ex-h I see as resentment towards my dc's if that make sense.

Sorry, bit of a ramble there!

freeandhappy Tue 18-Dec-12 12:50:48

Is your worry about money? I think you WILL be able to weather a break up emotionally. Your son may well improve if he isn't living with someone who doesn't like him. How old are you kipper? If you don't mind me asking. Hang in there.

kipperthedog Tue 18-Dec-12 09:17:53

Sobasoma it's good to hear you feel content without a man smile Can I ask what the situation is/was with your dc's/ex? No I don't drink at all anymore, haven't had an alcoholic drink for over a year & am so happy to be free of it. (Allen Carr - Easyway to stop drinking -I think that's what it's called or something similar- was what I read. He also helped me to stop smoking some years ago)

I feel sad & don't know what to do sad

kipperthedog Tue 18-Dec-12 09:13:12

Yes that's true madsleighlady & a very good point! But I also feel that p & I never had time together before kids (as I had them already) & so we have no shared history of happy pre-kid times as I would've had with ex-bf. I do know that ex bf isn't the answer & I guess it is my time of life that I feel this way about the past etc. Having spoken to ex bf I'm now able to put that behind me. My current issues now are what to do about p.

Is that really the case that p could have dd 50/50? I think I need to get some legal advice sad

MadSleighLady Tue 18-Dec-12 09:01:25

I just wish things had been different & I'd had the sense to see what I was throwing away at the time sad

Kipper, I'm sure he was/is a lovely guy, but I'd bet all my advent calendar chocolates that if you had stayed with him you'd still now be going through the mourning for lost youth phase. And it would take the form of "I wish I had jumped at the chance and lived a little when that exciting other man [ie your ex-H] came along rather than settling down too young with BF."

I think that's just what this stage of life is like. It gets complicated, people get tested and so do the bonds between them. You never had to go through the tough times with ex-BF, like the reality of children and money being tight. It was all a beautiful dream you had together when you were both young and idealistic, and because nothing has ever happened to dispel it you're imagining it would really have been like that.

SobaSoma Tue 18-Dec-12 08:49:54

BTW suggesting one day a weekend (1 day out of 7) to your DP is not going to make him happy. He has every right to shared care (ie 50/50) assuming he's a good father.

SobaSoma Tue 18-Dec-12 08:47:32

OP firstly well done on stopping the drinking - do you drink at all now? I know how hard it is, I'm trying to do the same myself. Some people are on anti-depressants indefinitely because they keep them well and happy. I've been on and off them for years and have found them very helpful. I hope you go to the GP and discuss the options.

I am single and more content than I ever have been. I miss having a man sometimes but have found meaning in my life and realise I don't need one. Living in the past is futile, as is worrying about the future. Find things to do now that fulfil you (it could be anything, someone suggested reading Tolstoy smile ) and try living in the present. There's lots of information available about how to do that, or try mindfulness meditation (you could ask your GP about it, the NHS has started to take an interest in it). Take joy in your children, they grow up fast and when they're gone you'll wonder where the time went.

kipperthedog Tue 18-Dec-12 08:33:51

I really don't know. I know we have got stuck in a rut of having no money & therefore no social life. It's pretty much just the 2 of us every evening & we are both bored of it. It sounds awful but he really gets on my nerves & I wish he would man-up a bit to make things better. I don't think he would "woo" me. He says he feels he has done everything he can & he doesn't feel well enough or care enough to keep on trying. I have tried to think about it as you suggested, how would I feel if he was with someone else etc & I just don't know. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff looking down at a life without him not knowing whether to jump or not.. will I be safe or will I look back with regret again in a few years time... Or do I step back from the edge & keep on trying with him. I don't want to have another failed relationship but at the moment I feel that being on my own would be preferable. Horrible arguments last night, he says he would want dd alternate weekends as the older 2's dad has them (he's very bitter towards my ex-h) but I think at almost 2 she is too young to be away from me for that length of time, so I suggested one day each weekend, that resulted in solicitor's threats etc etc. I've got up this morning & just carried on as normal with the kids & we pretty much ignored each other, he's gone to work now. I really need to work out what to do. It'd be easiest to say we'll try & work it out but we have been here several times in the last few months, bickering & almost seperating I don't know what's best anymore. Splitting up will be painful as it always is but perhaps we are just not right for each other anymore. It seems we have got into a pattern of blame & arguing & never acheieving any progress. Life is too short for all this upset isn't it. I don't want to be unhappy or to make him unhappy.

Dottiespots Tue 18-Dec-12 00:25:01

Ok Kipp, you need to keep posting so you dont feel alone. I know you think you dont feel strong enough but you are and you will get through this if it is what is best for you. But just to look at the other side of you think that your feelings for him could possibly come back if he were to woo you a bit and for you to go on dates together and try and get the spark back???? Lets say just for the sake of curiosity....if he were to have an affair or go out with another woman , would you be jealous, would you want him back, would you want him sexually again?

kipperthedog Tue 18-Dec-12 00:01:05

That's exactly it awsangel, in a nutshell. Have had a horrible night with p arguments again, looks like we are splitting up this time. Feeling numb right now & can't sleep for worrying. I don't feel strong enough to cope with another emotional break up & I don't want to be alone. But I can't find a way to bring the love & desire back sad please keep reading for me I feel very alone x

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