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partner left me and our 7 month old twins

17 replies

Daisy3700 · 12/12/2012 20:19

My partner left the family home two months ago when our babies were 7 months old. We had been bickering for months due to his lack of empathy and his incredibly high standard with regards to housework even though I was heavily pregnant and suffering from pre eclampsia (we found out when I was admitted to hospital that I had gestational diabetes, a failing kidney, a seriously deranged liver, low platelet count and BP of 218/111 (upon giving birth)). When we got home from hospital he slept in a separate bedroom with earplugs and did the minimal to help care for the babies. We argued constantly about the housework and other ridiculous issues.

It all came to a head when he lost his temper with me and accused me of not liking his family. I conceded and agreed that I found them overbearing (they came to our house almost daily during some periods of my pregnancy to decorate the house even though I asked for time to myself).

Within a week of leaving he went flat hunting with his mother, bought replica baby equipment and told me it was all my fault. Since then he has insisted that I have a mental illness (I self referred and it has been confirmed that I am extremely stressed and not at all PND). He is now insisting on 50/50 custody of the children and we have put the house up for sale.

He has morphed into a father who left all the hard work to me, to being (with a lot of help from his willing family) to a father who is capable to the point that he is telling me how/what to feed them, how to deal with sleep patterns, how to bath them etc. I have two other children who have turned out completely balanced young men and are a credit to my parentlng skills and so I find this incredibly insulting.

However, he says that in an ideal world, if I were to change (this means learning how to cook, becoming fastidious about housework and not rising to any arguments) he might come back. He has said that if I can maintain a friendly relationship with him, keep the house very tidy, apologise to his family for any hurt I have caused he will consider coming home (this could be in 6 months or 2-3 years).

He swears at me daily. His usual name for me is f@cking pr@ck or tw@t. He slams the phone down on me and says he is busy at work. He won't pay child support because he is paying his part of the mortgage and a further £125 per month for some of the bills. However, he is paying half of the nursery fees (but has suggested that because I am on maternity leave the babies should not be in nursery on the two afternoons they are at present). This is the only respite I have.

I am picking up the rest but am currently on nil pay at the end of maternity leave so am using my credit card to get by. He says 'so what - it;s all your fault - too bad'. He earns over £250k in the City but keeps telling me that he has no money because I forced him to rent a flat down the road. At the same time, my business is about to go into receivership - another stress that he says I should 'just get on with because it is all my own fault'.

Yesterday he mooted the idea of where the babies should attend school. I was honest and told him that if we are not together I would probably move back to the coast and they would probably attend a school there. He said I was denying him contact with the children and he would take me to court. He wants 50/50 custody, and therefore does not want to pay any child support, but wants them over night 180 days per year.

I've done everything I can to appease him. I've cried and begged him to come home. He has told me that he will follow his dream and create a new family with someone else, and has had a couple of offers already.

Today I summonsed strength and gave him an ultimatum (via text because he will not take my calls) to either meet me half way, go to counselling and accept some of the blame for our relationship breakdown, and come home or let the legal system take its course.

Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation? If so, what was the outcome please?

Thanks

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TeaAndTinselMakeChristmasShine · 12/12/2012 20:52

Do not go for counselling with him. He is awful. Conditions for considering coming home are the sign of a controlling person who wants you to toe their line.

Plan for a life away from him. Ignore his advice on parenting - it's given to make you feel bad rather than to improve life for the children.

Re-read your post and ask yourself what would you advise to someone in this position. Go and spend 30 minutes with a lawyer to find out what you're entitled to.

BTW. Don't expect him to take half the blame, the controlling fuckwit that I was married to still thinks I'm fully to blame despite subjecting me to years of emotional, social and "social" abuse and an a short sharp period of sexual and physical abuse. I do not care what he thinks.