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Detaching from EA

(11 Posts)
knackeredknitter Wed 12-Dec-12 11:51:30

Someone please tell me how am I supposed to do this?
I find it difficult, he does things all the time, he is at home all day and I can not get a moments peace.
We sleep seperately, so that is the only respite I get from him. But he is here all day long, and I find it difficult, now that I have been reading Lundy, to not get upset.
I want to detach, so that I no longer care about all his shite, but don't know how to do it.
Some tips pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase....<begandgrovel>

CluffyDude Wed 12-Dec-12 12:00:31

Hi smile

It's good you recognise his abusive behaviour for what it is.

I would take a deep breath before responding To him and keep looking at your situation through clearer eyes.

Can you leave/ask him to go?

knackeredknitter Wed 12-Dec-12 12:02:21

I am feeling so incapable, I guess I am rubbish.
He is always here making constant snidey remarks, always commenting on everything I have done. I don't know how he keeps it up. I have tried to ignore him and then he follows me around to have a go at me.
I get upset and tell him it is unacceptable, he then starts saying 'oh here you go again, making little issues into big issues"
I hate him. He won't leave because he expects me to leave the house, he said as much yesterday. I think I am going to go mad if I have to carry on.
I need to make him leave the house, I have an autistic son, so he knows I can't just up and leave.

knackeredknitter Wed 12-Dec-12 12:04:44

Thankyou Cluffydude
I think I just need a rant sometimes
Just having a very tough week, want to cry but he is always here, and gets too much joy seeing me upset sad so I have to control it

CluffyDude Wed 12-Dec-12 12:30:50

Do you jointly own your home or rent?

I would phone woman's aid and get some advise as the law on what constitutes domestic violence has changed to include ea.

Hopefully this might help you to have him removed from your home.

CluffyDude Wed 12-Dec-12 12:36:15

No worries, you rant away my love smile

It wears you down and it's hard to see a way out, let alone actually implement any sort of plan.
I know that leaving is easier said than done sad

Keep chatting and believe that it's really not you at fault here.

knackeredknitter Wed 12-Dec-12 22:42:18

Apparently we can't move forward unless I stop fussing over little details all the time. Apparently he stopped flirting and is changing, he stopped 2 months ago, what a guy eh? (We have been married 12 years, and every time I confronted him he had always stopped a few months ago, maybe 2 months ago.........urrrrrrrgggggghhh I am such an idiot.) Now I should stop going on about it, because it is not fair on him hmm. Also, he may have called me names and made insulting jokes at my expense but I don't speak to him nicely, so that is just as bad in his mad sad world hmm
Apparently I spend all the money (winter stuff for the kids) and he can't even buy himself a pair of headphones hmm I should also make more of an effort in the bedroom, lets ignore the fact that I don't want to be near him because the last time we DTD, he "accidentally" hurt me [twunt]
Someone come and drag him out by the gonads, out out out out out!

knackeredknitter Wed 12-Dec-12 22:43:50

Not managing to detach at all yet blush, I really need to

CharlotteCollinsislost Wed 12-Dec-12 22:53:26

It is difficult to detach when he's there all the time and knows how to push your buttons. Do you have anyone irl who knows what's really going on? I felt a lot stronger once I had the support of my parents.

Sorry not to be much help, but sending supportive thoughts.

knackeredknitter Thu 13-Dec-12 22:40:12

Today he is acting as if nothing has happened again. I am trying to remain strong and not get pulled back again. He is being all nice, jokey and smiley. He even cleaned up after dinner.
I just think it takes a bit more than cleaning up after dinner to win me back.
But if he suspects that it isn't working he might become angry again.
Detach detach detach. I shouldn't have to do this, it isn't fair. At least he has gone out tonight to his parents', hopefully he might stay there because his father is ill, not that I think it is nice that his father is ill, but well, ykwim

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 13-Dec-12 23:07:06

Well done for seeing his behaviour for what it is: Lundy describes the cycle of abuse clearly, doesn't he? (Lundy explains everything clearly. grin)

If he's out of the house tonight, how about making that call to Women's Aid and seeing if they have any thoughts about getting him to leave?

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