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What do I do?

(25 Posts)
ladyWordy Thu 13-Dec-12 19:32:33

Your post made my heart sink, 4wheels4, right from the first paragraph. But there is one good thing: light is dawning, and you know you've been treated very badly. Some abused women take a very long time to realise this.

I can't better the advice offered by the truly fabulous MNers above (which they all are). Women's Aid for advice. CAB. Solicitor. Police, if you are in danger, if you have been assaulted, and any time your H drinks and gets in the car.

Another great MNer, olgaga, has set up a blog summarising your options if you need to separate (and you do):

Take care and let us know how you are, when you can.

Xales Thu 13-Dec-12 18:22:23

Solicitor. Get him legally removed from the house. Use all means available to protect you and your children before it is too late.

myroomisatip Thu 13-Dec-12 16:48:00

Hi op.

I could have written a lot of your post. sad I totally understand the 'feeling trapped' and not being able to do anything to get yourself out of that situation.

The hardest part for me (once I realised how bad my relationship was - thanks to MN), was finding the courage to take action, and then, where to find help.

So, go to the CAB and get some information about your finances. Sometimes they have a solicitor there who can give you free advice too. This is where I met my solicitor and she is brilliant!

I also went to my GP, who was wonderful while I sat there for an hour and cried. So sorry for the other poor patients who were waiting blush and I was given counselling and that helped me to find my courage. Take any and all help that you can.

If he becomes verbally abusive try to record him but for goodness sake don't let him see. It sounds as if he is verbally, emotionally and financially abusive, which I am sure would be grounds for divorce. Keep a record of everything he says and does and also, go and discuss your situation with your local D.V. unit, who I found to be very understanding and supportive.

I am still trying to get out but I am no longer afraid of my STBXH and I can come and go as I like. smile

Good luck and stay safe.

foofooyeah Thu 13-Dec-12 14:49:52

I was wondering how you were too? I hope you find a way out of this situation

How are you today op? Let us know, even if you don't feel ready to do anything about your dh. I can understand why someone might not want to do anything major just before Christmas, but don't stop talking, the new year could be your new start.

Make sure your computer/phone is password locked or history cleared after you come here, you don't want him reading this.

cestlavielife Wed 12-Dec-12 15:49:15

you need to start telling someone - you began here ;now call womens aid. #thn tell a solicitor (they might be able to recomend local one).
tell your GP, get referred for counselling.
start making a plan.
anytime you scared/frightened/hit call police and get it recorded.

look at your Ds and know that you will be doing him a big favour getting him away from this bully.

ignore what h says; talk to others who know more about his tactics like womens aid. (there may be a local support - look on council website and call them)

izzyizin Wed 12-Dec-12 15:43:38

He drives with the children when hes had a few drinks. It petrifies me, what can i do about this?

What can you do? Any time you suspect that he has been drinking, you POINT BLANK REFUSE to allow the children to get in the car with him and, if he kicks off/becomes abusive, you dial 999 and ask for the police to attend.

Similarly, ANY TIME you have reason to believe he is, or intends to, drive while under the influence of alcohol, you inform the police and provide his car registration number.

To do ANYTHING LESS would be a gross dereliction of your parental and civic duties which may serve to cause you considerable and unnecessary regret and remorse if you fail to take action when you are able to do so.

Come on, honey. No matter how much you may feel you're caught in the headlights by the violent and abusive twunt you've married, that's no excuse for putting your dc and other innocent road users at risk because you didn't pick up the phone and alert the police.

Lueji Wed 12-Dec-12 15:20:33

One word: solicitor.

Never mind what he says. Find what you will be entitled to.

And it's his doing.
His reasons are all selfish or putting you down.

You don't owe him anything and you'll be happier and stronger, as well as your DC.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 12-Dec-12 15:14:04

You do realise that punching their mother in a child's presence legally counts as violence against the child? Look at these articles on the safenetwork site, and what the NSPCC has to say. Even if you find it hard to believe you deserve better, you know your children do. This is no life for any of you.

Rights of Women, Women's Aid or your local Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to help you find a practical way forward. Being married you may be in a stronger position than you think in terms of your rights to assets and maintenance, and there are always the dreaded benefits to tide you over until you can become truly independent. Finding out your rights does not necessarily commit you to taking action, although I think once you can see a way out you will want to take it.

Do not feel sorry for this man. If he is to be alone it is his doing, through treating his children and their mother so badly. If he's got the gift of the gab he'll soon persuade another poor woman to move in with him anyway. Unfortunately. (Even if he is frightfully old - you don't say how old? - there's always someone willing to listen to a charming blighter with a sob story.)

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Dec-12 15:10:16

What do you get out of this relationship, what has kept you within this for so long?. Fear, shame, embarrassment that you chose so poorly?. None are reasons now to remain within such an abusive marriage as yours is.

Your H is projecting onto you as well which is a common tactic used by abusive men; he is the one actually who is ruining lives here.

This is not the ideal role model for your children to be following is it, this is not the life that they or you deserve.

You will manage and manage a lot better without him.

Womens Aid can and will help you here - do call them.

BarbarianMum Wed 12-Dec-12 14:43:39

Oh OP sad

Nothing you have to face if you leave will be even half as tough as living with this man. And the others are right, things will just get worse and worse if you stay.

So what if he has 'the gift of the gab'? Give yourself an early Christmas present - permission not to listen. You know in your heart it is rubbish.

MammaBrussels Wed 12-Dec-12 14:16:55

If you need legal advice you can call Rights of Women's free Legal Advice Line 020 7251 6577 (telephone) or 020 7490 2562 (textphone). Open Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursday 2–4pm and 7–9pm. Also open Friday, 12–2pm

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 12-Dec-12 13:53:32

You need to get out. You cannot "manage" his drink-driving, or any other aspect of this behaviour: only he can do that (and he doesn't want to change).

All you can do is decide how much longer you are going to stay in this relationship, make a plan to leave, and follow through with it. Speak to Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247

I'm sorry. I know how unimaginably hard this must seem to you right now. But you can do it.

You deserve so much better than the life you are currently living.

MammaBrussels Wed 12-Dec-12 13:13:46

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247
They'll be able to help you. Speak to the police about lodging a complaint about domestic violence so you have something on record.

You are not trapped, you can get out. Women's Aid will help you to get out.

Good luck.

janesnowdon1 Wed 12-Dec-12 13:00:37

i second others - see a solicitor asap - look on the resolution website for a family lawyer in your area. Most offer a half hour initial consultation for free. you may be able to get an occupation order (so your H leaves and you stay).

As others have said do try to get through to womens aid - they are the experst in abusive situations. Start documenting abuse. even if you have to leave the house if things get bad he will be forced to sell it. The dss wil ususally help you with rent etc for the first six months initially if you feel forced to leave - again womens aid can advise ou on this as can cab or shelter.
you will be entitled to job seekers or income support and ctc etc

ClippedPhoenix Wed 12-Dec-12 12:56:01

Fabulous MN people will be along shortly to advise you every step of the way OP.

I just want to say go and take your children with you. Everything else can be sorted out later.

Do you have any family you can go to or if you feel that is too dangerous, call womens aid. People will also be along shortly with numbers etc.

Good luck OP, my heart is with you and your children.

Your best bet would be women's aid, it's what they're there for. He doesn't have to be currently hitting you for them to be involved. If you are too scared to leave and he's threatening more abuse, that's quite enough. I know it sounds scary and daunting but you can do it.

Someone will be along who knows more about this but from what I've read they usually recommend you get your paperwork sorted, get all the birth certificates, passports, bank stuff etc all together, save any money you can, put an emergency bag together with some clothes etc in and hide it. Contact women's aid for advice, they will help.

As a mother of three kids the council would have to house you, you would probably have your rent paid for, probably get income support on top of your tax credits etc. You wouldn't be flush but you'd be ok! Do you think you could do it?

She70 Wed 12-Dec-12 12:51:23

I was told by a solicitor in recent weeks that my H could be forced to leave the marital home if he was abusive towards me or the children. A court order could be obtained by going to the police.

Maybe get an appt with a solicitor. You can usually find one online or in yellow pages that offer 30mins or first hour for free.

You sound like my mum sad she was with my horrible father for 40 years. He was an alcoholic, he had had an abusive upbringing, he had the gift of the gab too. He was aggressive, he isolated her, controlled her, hit her, verbally abused and threatened her, withheld money from her for his drinking. he had affairs and when she found out he'd tell her she was insane, (she had to get a private investigator who quickly proved she wasn't)

We lived in a climate of fear, wondering what mood he'd get up in that day. He used to beat his kids, until their clothes were ripped. (It didn't happen to me, just to the rest of them) He would beat people up, he was weird around kids... A real nasty character. He beat her down until she was too scared to leave, she believed she was weak. She had no friends, no support, she leaned on us because we were all she had.

She had to sit by while he beat her kids. If your husband is starting to verbally abuse your kids, and he hits you, trust me he'll start hitting them eventually. This thread makes my blood run cold, remembering how it was growing up.

You need to leave him. Don't believe his crap about "you won't cope" - you are already coping with three kids, a house, and the huge malignant force that is your alcoholic husband too. If you get rid of him your life will be so much better.

Imagine waking up and pottering about with your kids, doing things your way with no fear, no wondering if he'll be angry today. Making plans, meeting friends without worrying about his feelings on the subject. Imagine the kids being happier, and respecting you as a mum for not taking any more shit. Don't stay for the kids, we all wished mum would leave, she always stayed for us.

NotGoodNotBad Wed 12-Dec-12 12:44:06

If he is left alone and penniless, he gets all he deserves!

Please find a way out. Never been in this situation, but I'm sure other people will be along with advice. Solicitor/CAB/Women's Aid?

foofooyeah Wed 12-Dec-12 12:17:53

This is awful, and you MUST find a way out. For both you and your childrens sake. I am afraid that I dont have advice but I know someone else will. If he hits you again call the police immediately - get it recorded it will help you in the long run.

You must leave this horrible man

TeeBee Wed 12-Dec-12 12:12:02

Goodness, he sounds very very abusive. If you can't find the strength to leave for yourself, then please leave for your children. They deserve more (and so do you). He is threatening to be abusive if you force a house sale? He is already being abusive, whats to lose?

He punched you? In front of one of your children? What more motivation do you need to leave.

Go to the CAB sweetheart and ask them to help you take the next steps to finding somewhere to live and start a new life. If you are married, half (at least) of that house is yours so he will be forced to sell it eventually, or pay you half. I'm so sorry he is doing this to you. Time to take steps to get out.

SugaricePlumFairy Wed 12-Dec-12 12:00:48

This is awful and so sad for you and your children, I'm sure someone will come along very soon who can help more than I can.

Hand holding til then. smile

PTTG Wed 12-Dec-12 11:56:48

Reading this makes me so sad. Women like you who wants to have a life and deserve to be happy and surrounded by friends are going through this. What a shame! You have the personality and all you need is courage. I am no expert and from all I can suggest 1. Decide that you want to be out of this relationship 2. Make a plan... Sit with a notepad, write your options ... Do research on options that government provide... Google 3. Follow your plan.

You will get out and you must get out.

4wheels4 Wed 12-Dec-12 11:46:58

I really dont know why i am posting, but hope it may make things become clear to me, and hopefully you wont think i am a loon, as I am regulalrly told that I am by H, and trying to ruin his families life.

First of i am married, we have 3 children. i am a SAHM, which I love. Been with H for 12 years. H comes from a family where his F beat him regularly, as did his GF (setting the family scene). I know I should never have got involved, but unfortunately I am. I have never felt secure or particularly happy either. i come from a family who i only heard one argument in my whole childhood.

i moved in with him 6 months after meeting him (although had been out several times before a few years ago). Moving in with him so quickly, i realise, i had no choice looking back as he has the gift of the gab and could talk the birds out of the trees. He moved his previous girlfriend out the same day.

He has a drinking problem, cannot stop and does become verbally abusive to me (and others in his speech), Although drinking doesn't stop him, he can do it when sober too. He is verbally abusive to DC1, for instance told him yesterday that he ruins his life, DC is 9. Dc wanted to go to after school club. It breaks my heart.

He has smacked me round the face and punched me once (seperate occasions) which broke my tooth last year in front of middle child. Denies he done it. I shake and usually go to bed very early to avoid confrontation. He wont let me have a social life so in the last 10 years I have been out max. 10 times without him. And if i do I have to be "grateful" which I obviously hate. He is out twice a week without fail.

i want out but dont feel strong enough, whenever I bring this up, H will argue (he is very good at it) that I am doing the wrong thing and that our children will suffer as a result. He says I am selfish to want to go alone, and that i would not cope. Also that it is wrong that all fathers get a bad deal, and that he will be left alone and penniless. He is also blaming me for his age that he shouldn't be single so late in life, he is a lot older than me and only got with me in his What, so that I have to have a very miserable life and be so unhappy. i used to be so bubbly and fun, but not anymore.

Ive not slept in the same room as him for months, and he still thinks everything will be okay and I will see the errors of my ways and that i will stop being mad and insane. His usual statement to me when I say that I want out of this relationship. I dread christmas and holidays due to his drinking. He drives with the children when hes had a few drinks. It petrifies me, what can i do about this?

We live in a nice area in a big house, which is quite shabby because he wont spend any money on it, or do any work on it himself. (I dont have the money to make repairs, but do most things/decorate/etc). Just blaming and shouting at the kids saying that they shoudnt touch this, shouldnt play with this etc., and they break everything. They are just being kids. Although he always has enough for alcohol if he wants it. (He has a seperate account for his self employed wages, so i have no idea whats in there). He has only two friends and has a problem that i am friendly and can make friends easily. I hope this message doesnt come accross as a character assasination because i am not trying to do that.

Christmas is coming up and I am absolutely dreading it, with him. H will be off of work until January. I know its only two weeks but i will be counting every hour.

Now writing this I can see the red flags, even from early on. Oh i am stupid how i have given him numerous chances.

Because we own this property so my choices are limited and I physically dont know what to do. I cannot get him to move out, he wont he says and will become abusive if i make him. What do I do? I cannot rent because I have a property, which he just wont sell, and no job. i cannot go to relatives as they don't have room for all of us. I am just trapped.

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