I really dont know why i am posting, but hope it may make things become clear to me, and hopefully you wont think i am a loon, as I am regulalrly told that I am by H, and trying to ruin his families life.
First of i am married, we have 3 children. i am a SAHM, which I love. Been with H for 12 years. H comes from a family where his F beat him regularly, as did his GF (setting the family scene). I know I should never have got involved, but unfortunately I am. I have never felt secure or particularly happy either. i come from a family who i only heard one argument in my whole childhood.
i moved in with him 6 months after meeting him (although had been out several times before a few years ago). Moving in with him so quickly, i realise, i had no choice looking back as he has the gift of the gab and could talk the birds out of the trees. He moved his previous girlfriend out the same day.
He has a drinking problem, cannot stop and does become verbally abusive to me (and others in his speech), Although drinking doesn't stop him, he can do it when sober too. He is verbally abusive to DC1, for instance told him yesterday that he ruins his life, DC is 9. Dc wanted to go to after school club. It breaks my heart.
He has smacked me round the face and punched me once (seperate occasions) which broke my tooth last year in front of middle child. Denies he done it. I shake and usually go to bed very early to avoid confrontation. He wont let me have a social life so in the last 10 years I have been out max. 10 times without him. And if i do I have to be "grateful" which I obviously hate. He is out twice a week without fail.
i want out but dont feel strong enough, whenever I bring this up, H will argue (he is very good at it) that I am doing the wrong thing and that our children will suffer as a result. He says I am selfish to want to go alone, and that i would not cope. Also that it is wrong that all fathers get a bad deal, and that he will be left alone and penniless. He is also blaming me for his age that he shouldn't be single so late in life, he is a lot older than me and only got with me in his What, so that I have to have a very miserable life and be so unhappy. i used to be so bubbly and fun, but not anymore.
Ive not slept in the same room as him for months, and he still thinks everything will be okay and I will see the errors of my ways and that i will stop being mad and insane. His usual statement to me when I say that I want out of this relationship. I dread christmas and holidays due to his drinking. He drives with the children when hes had a few drinks. It petrifies me, what can i do about this?
We live in a nice area in a big house, which is quite shabby because he wont spend any money on it, or do any work on it himself. (I dont have the money to make repairs, but do most things/decorate/etc). Just blaming and shouting at the kids saying that they shoudnt touch this, shouldnt play with this etc., and they break everything. They are just being kids. Although he always has enough for alcohol if he wants it. (He has a seperate account for his self employed wages, so i have no idea whats in there). He has only two friends and has a problem that i am friendly and can make friends easily. I hope this message doesnt come accross as a character assasination because i am not trying to do that.
Christmas is coming up and I am absolutely dreading it, with him. H will be off of work until January. I know its only two weeks but i will be counting every hour.
Now writing this I can see the red flags, even from early on. Oh i am stupid how i have given him numerous chances.
Because we own this property so my choices are limited and I physically dont know what to do. I cannot get him to move out, he wont he says and will become abusive if i make him. What do I do? I cannot rent because I have a property, which he just wont sell, and no job. i cannot go to relatives as they don't have room for all of us. I am just trapped.
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What do I do?
4wheels4 · 12/12/2012 11:46
This is awful and so sad for you and your children, I'm sure someone will come along very soon who can help more than I can.
Hand holding til then. 
You sound like my mum 
she was with my horrible father for 40 years. He was an alcoholic, he had had an abusive upbringing, he had the gift of the gab too. He was aggressive, he isolated her, controlled her, hit her, verbally abused and threatened her, withheld money from her for his drinking. he had affairs and when she found out he'd tell her she was insane, (she had to get a private investigator who quickly proved she wasn't)
We lived in a climate of fear, wondering what mood he'd get up in that day. He used to beat his kids, until their clothes were ripped. (It didn't happen to me, just to the rest of them) He would beat people up, he was weird around kids... A real nasty character. He beat her down until she was too scared to leave, she believed she was weak. She had no friends, no support, she leaned on us because we were all she had.
She had to sit by while he beat her kids. If your husband is starting to verbally abuse your kids, and he hits you, trust me he'll start hitting them eventually. This thread makes my blood run cold, remembering how it was growing up.
You need to leave him. Don't believe his crap about "you won't cope" - you are already coping with three kids, a house, and the huge malignant force that is your alcoholic husband too. If you get rid of him your life will be so much better.
Imagine waking up and pottering about with your kids, doing things your way with no fear, no wondering if he'll be angry today. Making plans, meeting friends without worrying about his feelings on the subject. Imagine the kids being happier, and respecting you as a mum for not taking any more shit. Don't stay for the kids, we all wished mum would leave, she always stayed for us.
Oh OP
Nothing you have to face if you leave will be even half as tough as living with this man. And the others are right, things will just get worse and worse if you stay.
So what if he has 'the gift of the gab'? Give yourself an early Christmas present - permission not to listen. You know in your heart it is rubbish.
Hi op.
I could have written a lot of your post. :( I totally understand the 'feeling trapped' and not being able to do anything to get yourself out of that situation.
The hardest part for me (once I realised how bad my relationship was - thanks to MN), was finding the courage to take action, and then, where to find help.
So, go to the CAB and get some information about your finances. Sometimes they have a solicitor there who can give you free advice too. This is where I met my solicitor and she is brilliant!
I also went to my GP, who was wonderful while I sat there for an hour and cried. So sorry for the other poor patients who were waiting 
and I was given counselling and that helped me to find my courage. Take any and all help that you can.
If he becomes verbally abusive try to record him but for goodness sake don't let him see. It sounds as if he is verbally, emotionally and financially abusive, which I am sure would be grounds for divorce. Keep a record of everything he says and does and also, go and discuss your situation with your local D.V. unit, who I found to be very understanding and supportive.
I am still trying to get out but I am no longer afraid of my STBXH and I can come and go as I like. :)
Good luck and stay safe.
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