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Is this is cheating on me?

(170 Posts)
amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:32:38

my oh has been very secretive for months. Texting all times of day and late and night. facebooking intill gone midnight. everytime i go near he either closes the browser or turns his phone over so i can't see. on the way home from his works do on friday night he stopped the car at 11.30 to text while he thought i was asleep. Then Sunday morning i see him hiding his phone in the bed under the covers texting. I went mad and got very upset. i demanded he told me who he was texting. he denied texting and when i demanded to see the texts he said it wasn't any of my business. he went to the loo and deleted all the texts. i got very upset and demanded he tell me who he was texting. eventually he told me it was two women he was "he was helping and supporting them through hard situations and that they didn't want him to tell me what so he couldn't show me". I think this is cheating, even if it is just emontinally. he says i shouldn't be upset and he doesn't see he has done anything wrong. AIBU?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:59:38

sent them to my mums asap after that so we could sort it

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:09:33

Forget what he wants/feels. What do you want? Would your life be easier or more difficult, happier or sadder without him?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:18:05

My life would be harder without him but I'm not really happy atm

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:19:34

I'm not sure how I would pay the bills either as I make minimum wage and can't work anymore due to broken back pain

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:20:44

And I can't take much more stress. I am feeling quite anxious already and keep having anxiety

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:22:04

He says he won't do it again, and that he hasn't been unfaithful. Do I believe him?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:23:05

I've spoken to my mum about it and she doesn't believe his story

3ForMe Tue 11-Dec-12 23:24:50

Can you get his SIM card?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:25:18

He has been a lazy husband around the house but he hasn't come home drunk. He did punch me once but he apologised and has not done it again. We don't really argue only about him not helping outta home.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:25:51

I don't believe him either. But that isn't what's important, do you believe him?

FBworry Tue 11-Dec-12 23:26:01


Please try and stay calm.

You do not have to make any decisions right now. I wouldn't advise it either you are in shock.

I think you need to lay all your cards out on the table about everything when your ready - the texts, the housework and you are on the verge of leaving and see what he says.

Even if you decide to leave you don't have to obviously go on the spot. You can make plans to leave and go when it suits you.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:26:26

I've made him tell me his passcode but I don't want to look. If I have to look surely the marriage is over

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:26:59

x-posted with you. I think you need to start a thread in the Relationships section and get the advice of the wonderful people there. Do you mind if I report your thread and MN can move it.

The violence, cheating, lack of support make me really worried for you.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:27:52

I want to believe him, I would never have thought he would ever cheat on me

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:28:44

Ok x

FBworry Tue 11-Dec-12 23:31:05

I didn't see the post about punching. Amy I think he is making you unwell with this anxiety. Its not fair on you anymore.

Its late,maybe get some sleep and take things one step at a time tomorrow.

Personally I would want to look at the phone, but if its too much then decide later if you want to look (but I would be worried he might delete things )


Redorwhitejusthaveboth Tue 11-Dec-12 23:31:46

I lived with a compulsive liar for 6 years- his phone became like a weapon- he kept it with him...locked ...all the time... If I ever managed to read any texts or get into his emails I would find out the most horrendous things- lie upon lie...I'm not sure cheating ever came into it- but what I couldn't live with was the lies and mistrust about every word he said. It is a very very sad and stressful way to live - start looking into how you will cope alone and give yourself the freedom to not live a life based around lies otherwise you will slowly go mad

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:32:16

I've reported so MNHQ may move it to relationships section. Don't panic if you can't find the thread!

I know you want to believe him. It's natural. The issue for me is that even if he hasn't cheated, he has been lying, hiding things. And, once is too many times to hit someone. sad

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:32:30

He has already deleted all texts

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 23:33:25

Can you think of an innocent reason for that?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:34:17

amy, you are being emotionally and physically abused, love

you deserve better than this

why don't you give Women's Aid a ring and see what they say...there is no harm in chatting with a professional and they won't try and force you to do smoething you are not ready for x

this man is not good enough for deserve better than him and your children deserve better examples of how a loving relationship should work

0808 2000 247

Redorwhitejusthaveboth Tue 11-Dec-12 23:34:18

Just seen the punching bit- it all fits... He disregards you which he shows by not only keeping secrets from you - he then tries to make out he is right and you are nuts ( gaslighting) and that will escalate as he stops seeing you as a person who deserves respect

PickledInAPearTree Tue 11-Dec-12 23:34:51

What an awful prick texting under the sheets and when he thinks your sleeping.

It's totally utterly wrong and unacceptable.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:35:51

He did do it in a mist of a heated argue ment and apologised immediately. He seemed as shocked as me. Hasn't happened again and this was last new year

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:37:06

once is too many times

I expect you have changed your behaviour after that, haven't you ?

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