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Is this is cheating on me?

(170 Posts)
amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:32:38

my oh has been very secretive for months. Texting all times of day and late and night. facebooking intill gone midnight. everytime i go near he either closes the browser or turns his phone over so i can't see. on the way home from his works do on friday night he stopped the car at 11.30 to text while he thought i was asleep. Then Sunday morning i see him hiding his phone in the bed under the covers texting. I went mad and got very upset. i demanded he told me who he was texting. he denied texting and when i demanded to see the texts he said it wasn't any of my business. he went to the loo and deleted all the texts. i got very upset and demanded he tell me who he was texting. eventually he told me it was two women he was "he was helping and supporting them through hard situations and that they didn't want him to tell me what so he couldn't show me". I think this is cheating, even if it is just emontinally. he says i shouldn't be upset and he doesn't see he has done anything wrong. AIBU?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:44:39

he says ive been emontionallyt unavailable to him. i say i've been too busy dealing with a broken bad and 3 kids. including one who got hitt by a car (SN) and another sn one who has been really ill.
hearts and flowers romance has not been on my to do list

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:45:11

broken back i mean (car accident)

Beaverfeaver Tue 11-Dec-12 22:45:17

The only time I can't look at DH's text messages/emails is in the run up to birthday or Xmas.

I have helped close male and female friends through difficult situations which have required an odd text at late hours, but no need for me to e secretive.
If I tell my DH that I am texting a friend in need and can't say what is happening with them he respects that and won't ask anymore.

However, if it was constantly and for months I don't think he would stay so reasonable.

He is playing you for a fool.

Greensleeves Tue 11-Dec-12 22:46:50

"emotionally unavailable" hahaha


I would hand him his balls in a little basket

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:47:13

i want a husband that wants to be with us and wants to help out with the housework so my back doesn't kill me. and for him to love us

squeakytoy Tue 11-Dec-12 22:47:28

he sounds an utter arsehole.. are they not HIS kids too? It sounds to me like he wants out, and is waiting for you to kick him out so that he can claim he "didnt leave"...

Personally i would say let him go..

Doinmummy Tue 11-Dec-12 22:47:29

Pathetic excuses at trying to cover up what is obviously an affair.

You poor thing. Do you think he'll have the balls to come clean ?

larks35 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:03

I think if he isn't fully cheating yet, he's on the road to it and doesn't seem too concerned about the effect on you. My advice, get his phone when you can without him knowing to confirm your fears and then kick him out.

He is showing such a lack of respect to you by entering into these confidential dramas with other women, if that is the truth which I doubt, and then not telling you what it is about. If I were to seek advice from a male friend about something then I would do it knowing full well he would speak to his other half about it. If I didn't want that, then I wouldn't speak to him.

Do you have a good relationship at this time? Have you sensed more than just this effing texting business?

HildaOgden Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:15

Why are you with him?

I'm going to say my first 'leave the bastard'.

Honestly,you will be better off without a disloyal shitbag like that...what an idiot,texting under the sheets while you lie beside him???My God,could he be more of a twat.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:16

the kids would be upset if he went at xmas

Beaverfeaver Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:24

I should add: I wouldn't expect a male friend to be as supportive as a female friend in difficult situations, so would often think to ulterior motives if one was paying extra special attention

larks35 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:50:47

Shit sorry my post took too long to write so you've answered a lot since. He's a shit, kick him out but make sure he contributes financially and emotionally to you and your children.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:51:15

i've always felt i'm doing all the hard work. he goes to the gym for 2 hours twice a week and does every fri night helping at a club. i work and do all the kids stuff and housework except the bins, the dishwasher and clean the bathrooms. i asked him to do the bathrooms each weel but often i have to do it as he leaves it for 3 weeks and you can't not clean loos or baths.

ENormaSnob Tue 11-Dec-12 22:51:31

Deffo cheating.

Grab your self respect and get rid.

Good luck, you deserve better.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:52:11

i do love him, would be easier if i didn't.

Viviennemary Tue 11-Dec-12 22:52:18

I'm afraid I wouldn't automatically believe his story either. He sounds very secretive. I don't think texting somebody is cheating but it is totally out of order that it should be kept such a great secret with all this hiding his phone under the covers. No wonder you're annoyed.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Tue 11-Dec-12 22:52:20

I have been very supportive to one particular male friend, who DH refers to as my boyfriend jokingly. We discussed the fact that I went through stages of messaging him a lot. I said to DH that if he wanted to see the messages, that was absolutely fine, I would ask the friend and tell him that I needed to reassure DH. I did not run to the toilet and delete them.

What does your H do for you?

FBworry Tue 11-Dec-12 22:53:00

Suspending disbelief he is the knight in shining armour to these two poor damsels in distress, its still shitty to thing to make you feel excluded, upset and neglected anyway.

Your his wife, you come first.

3ForMe Tue 11-Dec-12 22:53:08

I think you need to do some more digging then confront him with what you know.

I agree it sounds as though he's up to no good. And he won't come clean as. It's 'damage limitation' time.

Have you got a computer you can check through? Check the browsing history, email accounts if possible, phone records?

Can you take the SIM card out of his phone and put it in yours to see if you can find anything?

You shouldn't have to do these things, but if you want to know what's going on and he won't tell you, it's the only way.

And whatever happens-its mot your fault. Good luck op

HildaOgden Tue 11-Dec-12 22:53:40

Stop focussing on what housework he isn't doing.....he is cheating on you.That is what is breaking up this marriage,not housework .

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:53:41

been married 12 years

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:54:55

thanks i can live with not helping in the house, can't live with him cheating, even if he says it is not.

EasilyBored Tue 11-Dec-12 22:56:39

I've never said this before but: Leave. That. Bastard.

He's sounds like a total catch [shmm], take stock of the whole relationship, is it really worth the effort you are putting in, when you compare it what you are actually getting from him?

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:57:00

i was worried that i was over reacting and he was right. thank you for your support.

amy175 Tue 11-Dec-12 22:58:56

the kids overheard us shouting on sunday and got the idea i thought he had a girlfriend, and said she must be blind! from the mouth of babes!

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