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Should I pursue a relationship with someone who has gone through so much recently?

(9 Posts)
brightstar200 Tue 11-Dec-12 15:12:28

It all started when I met a really nice guy, mutually through friends over the summer.

I am a single parent who has been single for 18 months now, after a couple of failed relationships, one with a guy who was an alcholic. I finished that affair for obvious reasons.

This is the first time in a long time I have met someone who ticks the majority of the boxes and I really do like him. The only problem is that he has been supporting one of his parents who is dying of cancer for the majority of the year, as well as getting divorced from his long term partner. He is now living alone and is starting to move on with his life, as his father died recently.

We have seen each other casually over the last 6 months - the occassional drink, dinner etc. Our relationship has become physical as there is a great deal of attraction wehn we are together. My concern is that he has been through so much this year, losing 2 important people in his life - is he really ready to commit to me? Do I keep this going on a very slow basis, or should I walk away before I have my feet firmly stuck in?

We are not at the stage of texting each other every day, but we speak once a week or so and I let him know that I am there for him. The issue I face is that I am ready for an honest, open, adult relationship, but am not sure if he is there yet emotionally, due to everything he has been through. Or maybe he just isn't that into me?

If anyone else has gone through a similar situation, I would be grateful if you could pass on any advice. I am digging deep to work out what is best for me. I dont want to be a rebound, as I believe I am worth more than that.

Thanks everyone.

Scorofina Tue 11-Dec-12 15:55:05

I am not going through similar stuff but can offer some impartial advice. My love life needs advice as well!! Its always easier to offer someone else advice.Lol!!You need to tread carefully as he is hurting so bad right now that he will use you not only as rebound but also for easing his pain from losing his father. He has a lot going on and you are right to feel uncertain. Maybe going slowly might be an idea but I wouldn't jump straight in. He needs time to get over what has happened to him so thinking about a relationship this soon is asking for a lot. You will end up hurt. Be a friend to him as he hasn't done anything wrong for you to end it but l would also leave the physical side for a while as you might end up feeling used if this goes the other way.

DearJ0hn Tue 11-Dec-12 17:21:12

6 months you say?

Lovingfreedom Tue 11-Dec-12 18:45:06

If his reluctance to 'commit' is stopping you from meeting other people and you are keen to have a more involved relationship with someone then I suppose that would be a reason to ask him what he wants or to re-think. Otherwise if you're enjoying it and he's enjoying it then why not keep doing it as you are and see how things progress.

brightstar200 Tue 11-Dec-12 21:49:13

Thanks guys. and yes, 6 month Dear John x

Shoesme Tue 11-Dec-12 21:54:16

I think you should carry on and see where it leads, he is obviously going through alot at the moment so he might not be ready for a full on relationship but those take time anyway. Have you both spoke about where you see it going?

brightstar200 Wed 12-Dec-12 14:29:21

Thanks Shoesme. No we haven't properly had that chat yet. He as been back and forth from London to Bristol, because of his dad, so it has been hard to maintain anything firm. A few times he has had to cancel on me as well, when his dad had particularly bad days (understandably). Now it is all over and he has moved out of his ex's and is moving on after the funeral, I guess he needs to take stock of what he wants and where he is going. I am going to see him this weekend, so I may just ask him if he intends on carrying on seeing each other, as we are and see where it leads. I guess it is hard to deciper whether he really likes me and and wants to be there, but is just feeling the strain of the last year, or whether he isn't that interested. In ordinary situations you can tell when a man really wants to be with you. This is what makes it so hard when you are dealing with a load of other complex emotions in the mix!

izzyizin Wed 12-Dec-12 15:29:25

The first Christmas/New Year after bereavement is particularly difficult and, rather than making any unnecessary demands on him now, I would suggest you wait until sometime in late January to raise the subject of where your relationship with him may be going.

If you exercise patience in this matter it may be he'll raise it with you of his own accord but, in any event, I'm sure he'll be thankful if you refrain from putting any pressure on him at this time.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 12-Dec-12 15:51:42

I'd not put all my eggs in one basket here. Keep other avenues open too.

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