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What's the minimum you expect both materially and emotionally?

(5 Posts)
IslaValargeone Mon 10-Dec-12 17:41:04

Without venturing into 'some people are homeless/jobless/dying, so be thankful you are not' territory, what do you expect from your relationship?
I know I'm not happy in mine but I don't think I know what's normal anymore.
I'm a sahm, (hoping that will change in the next year) dh is self employed and money is an issue, we don't do birthday or Christmas presents and dispoable income is limited, although we are not on our arse.
We haven't been out together for 4+ years, no holiday in 7.
He has been 'strategising' on developing a website for 7 years, still hasn't happened. He is away 2 days a week but works from home the rest of the time.
Sometimes doesn't start until 10.00, does sweet F.A around the house and complains that he doesn't get enough sex.
It has been bloody tough running the business, but I don't have the faith in his decision making like I once did. I make suggestions which he either poo poos or gets arsey about and then 6 months later someone else comes along with the same idea and he implements it, in the mean time we have lost more money.I'm not entirely sure he's honest with me about aspects of the business. We have both made lots of sacrifices, I think me more than him.
I know these are crap times for everyone, but I don't know what I'm gettting out of this other than a roof over my head?

GoldPlatedNineDoors Mon 10-Dec-12 17:47:01

I expect us to contribute equally to the household (whether one or both work), no 'scorekeeping', to know that I can implicitly trust everything dh tells me, to be treated as an equal and in a respectful manner, which I do in return, and to be appreciated.

We enjoy spending time together but both have equal 'dibs' on time alone (and the other to provide childcare).

Financially we put all money in to one pot and dont spend more than X on treats for ourselves each week (X is same for both of us).

Not sure if thats the sort of stuff you kean?

greeneyed Mon 10-Dec-12 17:47:34

Sounds shit! - Money is an issue for us too at the moment and it completely sucks but no nights out for 4 years, no presents and no holidays for such a long period- somethings got to give or you will shrivel up from lack of fun! I do hope you can get a job next year, some financial independence and extra funds to pay for time outside of the house and that your DH pulls his finger out! I would expect more from life!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 10-Dec-12 17:51:03

DH and I own our own business. He is the one out working, I do the paperwork and accounts and am a SAHM.

We discuss strategy together, my input is as valid as his.

He has no work now until the New Year.

Today he was up before me, made me a cup of tea. Sorted breakfast for the boys and has then spent the day doing some training towards a new accreditation. He has every day planned until the Christmas holidays, a mixture of training, networking and helping me with the children and domestic stuff so that I can do some helping out at school and get to the gym.

He is applying to do a Masters starting in September, to broaden the kinds of work he can do and also give him access to more lucrative contracts.

He is currently cooking the dinner while I sit on my arse cuddling our poorly 4 year old, and I think he has just put some washing on.

AbigailAdams Mon 10-Dec-12 17:57:24

He sounds abusive. And asking what you are getting out of the relationship is exactly the right thing to do.

He does the minimum amount of paid work and no work around the house or childcare. So you are probably working about twice as hard as him. Doesn't seem a fair deal does it?

Have you thought of bringing this to a head? Perhaps stopping doing things for him around the house e.g. washing, cooking, ironing, cleaning his stuff up.

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