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It's all going wrong :-( now he's accused me of being jealous of his kids

(45 Posts)
TheFly Mon 10-Dec-12 10:51:20

I've never actually met his kids, they live with their mother and he has them every saturday night - so we don't see each other on Saturday nights.

Anyway a few weeks ago we were talking (well, whinging about stuff to each other more like) and I said "you make it sound like I have a problem with your kids" and he said "well yeah, I think you do a bit". He went on to explain that I apparantly act "off" with him when he mentions them. I don't at all and argued my point and in the end he agreed he was wrong.

But then, this weekend we went out for a drink, he was a bit tipsy and this conversation started up again and this time he accused me of actually being JEALOUS of his kids. He said it's obvious that I'm jealous that he still loves them and he thinks I want him to abandon them because he's in a new relationship.

This is absolute bullshit. I'm ALWAYS asking about his kids, whenever he's with them I text him to say I hope they all have a great time together. I want to meet them - it's him that doesn't want that to happen and now I think I know why, he doesn't trust me with them.

They're teenagers, 15 and 17 years old. I feel I really didn't deserve this and I feel so hurt by it. He's since apologized and said he realises he was wrong but he obviously thinks it because this is the 2nd time he's said it now.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 11-Dec-12 09:38:57

On specifics, there are two ways of handling the petulant "you don't want me to stay" shit text.

One is the way an assertiveness manual would teach you. Just repeat what you said: "I asked if YOU WANTED to give it a miss tonight." Whatever he says, just repeat that, using slightly different words, until he finally gives up on the whining.

But you know what? Life is too brief to try re-training an adult. So I recommend the other way. The one that goes "You know what? I've just realised you're right, I don't want you to come round. Thank you for clarifying my thoughts for me. I hope you feel better soon. Don't text me again."

Then he can happily tell the next victim woman he dates about this heartless bitch he was with who dumped him because he was ill. Everyone's happy!

ScarletWomanoftheChristmasTree Tue 11-Dec-12 09:30:03

Hi thefly, afraid this will only get worse. Once you meet his kids he will be telling you, you looked at them the wrong way, spoke to them the wrong way, gave your kids a bigger slice of cake than his etc etc. it will always be a battle.

I'd call it a day.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 11-Dec-12 09:14:40

I was married to one of those for just under 25 years. I was always going to leave him, planning on leaving him, thinking belittling thoughts, not really meaning the nice things I said... you get the picture. They don't get better because it's just who they are, and they won't think positively for long enough to even think of changing themselves. He was almost triumphant when I finally got smart and divorced him. There you see, I said you were planning something!

When DS1 was about 5, I had to do some studying or something so I shut myself in a room (leaving their dad to mind them, which he was perfectly capable of, don't worry!). After a while a bit of paper was pushed under the door, with a five-year-old scrawl on it: "YOU DOT LOVE ME". It was really cute - because he was five. One kind of hopes that after 30 or so years they'll have grown out of that kind of thing.

olgaga Tue 11-Dec-12 08:58:11

Agree with everyone. He sounds utterly pathetic, and guess what? You're not jealous of his kids, but he's jealous of you, and the fact that you live with yours!

Get rid and move on. Let him find someone else to blame for the mess he's in.

TheLightPassenger Tue 11-Dec-12 08:11:54

agree with all. run for the hills. he's a self-obsessed misery.

Hyperballad Tue 11-Dec-12 08:05:48

Life is too short for this shit.

Its all him him him. How he feels is more important than anything else. Sounds like he trys to projects a lot of his feelings onto you.

He sounds very childish.

Finish it now before he drags you down.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Tue 11-Dec-12 08:04:44

Bin him. Just say it's not working and you have different views on life, which you do.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Tue 11-Dec-12 07:54:17

You don't have to give the fuck off to the far side of fuck speech, but the next time he starts moaning, don't be tempted to outmoan him. Counter it. 'well I'm happy!'. Well i'm not tired. Well I'm healthy. I'm full of energy.

I think he's a dead loss and that you should dump him asap, but failing that, try countering his whinging with your positivity and see if it breaks his cycle of maoning. you'll probably be accused of taking drugs.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Mon 10-Dec-12 14:35:55

He blows hot and cold, he's 'always ill and depressed' so cancels dates, he doesn't want you to meet his kids...are you sure he's actually separated from his wife?!

ClippedPhoenix Mon 10-Dec-12 14:32:12

Blimey, what a dickhead OP.

Throw him back in the pond.

TheFly Mon 10-Dec-12 14:30:27

"Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there
call a cab and fuck off some more"

Love it grin I'd never have the balls to send it but I do love it!

But yeah on a more serious note, it/he is becoming more and more irritating as the weeks go on. He's constantly either ill or depressed about something.

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 10-Dec-12 14:28:22

Hi Op

I am feeling irritated on your behalf sorry,

text him back and say..Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there
call a cab and fuck off some more.

Honestly I would have slapped him by now, get rid please before he ruins Xmas for you.

TheFly Mon 10-Dec-12 14:18:59

No that wasn't me! I've told him I will wait until he's ready before meeting his kids, I wouldn't try and railroad him into anything.

Anyway he text me this morning saying he's feeling ill and is really tired hmm he's due to stay here tonight so thinking he was making an excuse I text back saying "let me know if you want to give it a miss tonight" - I then got "no I don't! you don't want me to stay!" Jesus wept

stopthatmavis Mon 10-Dec-12 12:59:00

I think we've heard this all many times before!

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 10-Dec-12 12:13:47

Yes..... Did you recently try to railroad him into spending a day at some exhibition with you and his son?

startlife Mon 10-Dec-12 12:12:18

I did wonder if he's projecting his jealous feelings over your dc's.

If he has insecurity over his kids you will never fix it for him.His dc's are teens and in a few years they will be adults and living their own lives however he doesn't sound as if he is ready to move on at all.

Why did his marriage end?

tallwivglasses Mon 10-Dec-12 12:12:08

Have you posted about him before OP? Some of this sounds familiar. He won't let you meet his kids if I recall.

Life's too short.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Mon 10-Dec-12 11:54:15

Believe me you dont want to be married and have children with this man!

timeforachangebaby Mon 10-Dec-12 11:48:48

Get out while you can - why be with someone who is already ascribing you with such negative traits that you don't actually have.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 11:48:20

Then say 'I don't want to see The Hobbit'. No excuses. No big explanations. Do what you want for a change and then carry on doing what you want....

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Mon 10-Dec-12 11:47:32

ps just remembering here nnow the ludicrous conversations i used to have to have with my x. he would suddenly out of the blue accuse me of............ not trusting him, not believing him, not being grateful for something and then i would have this exhausting few hours (usually repeated the next day) where I'd have to convince HIM that yes I trusted him/had faith in him/thought he was fantabulous at diy or whatever the fuck had made him lose his mind. arhgghghhgghghgh.

Freedom! (except, I have two children with this demented bastard)

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Mon 10-Dec-12 11:43:24


in total agreement, we only get one life, don't waste it propping up some joyless dementor.

TheFly Mon 10-Dec-12 11:42:50

I know, I don't even want to see the bloody hobbit so if I did go it would just be for his sake. I've not agreed to go yet, think I'll make an excuse. I've noticed he seems quite comfortable in the knowledge that I'll always jump when he wants to do something.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 11:41:57

"one of things he's thrown at me is "I do more with your kids than I do with my own". "

What does he want? A round of applause? The sympathy vote? Or just to air his grievances and expect you to soak it all up without a peep?

I made the BIG mistake of marrying a man with 'issues' once. At first, his sob story made him seem touchingly vulnerable and in need of my TLC. Took me far too long to realise he was just using me as a Wailing Wall and quite enjoyed rehearsing his woes. When I stopped being sympathetic, he found someone else ... who presumably is, even now, having to listen to his incessant whining!!

Save yourself.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush Mon 10-Dec-12 11:41:26

Re The Hobbit. I'd say "going to see it with my friend now!'. See his reaction. It will be interesting to see if he tries to change your mind, make you feel guilty, accuses you of being jealous.....

The thoughts of having to sit through the hobbit! lol, ha ha.

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