Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(94 Posts)
snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 07:42:16

Been brooding about this. Don't want to drip feed so bit long.

Have been seeing bloke for five months. It has been fun - great sex, lots of social stuff. We both have kids but tend to see each other alone, mutual choice.

This weekend - no kids. Lovely Friday afternoon in bed, both left work early so could spend a bit of quality time together. Saturday had tickets for a show in London, travelled up early, delicious lunch, museum, touristy walk, show, great dinner and home more great sex

Sunday am, he wakes early to take part in hobby (by prior agreement) I stay in bed, lounge about, have coffee. he returns about 3 hrs later comes back to bed bringing Sunday papers. He asks for cup of tea (although he has just come up stairs) I make him cup of tea and come back to bed.

So we're lounging about, drinking tea, reading paper and the popular omnibus version of a weekly tale of the life of country folk is announced. I am an habitual, though not obsessive, listener, which he knows. Following conversation ensues:

Him - 'oh we're not listening to this shit'
me - 'it's the Archer's I want to know what happens to blah' (don't want to bore you with plot)
him - well you can go downstairs if you want to hear it'(re-tunes to replay of TMS)
me - 'hang on, you're reading the paper, can't I listen to the Archers?'
him - 'No'
me - 'what?'
him - 'no'
me - ' are you seriously saying that I can't listen to the archers while you read the paper?'
him - 'yes'
me - 'you are joking?'
him - 'no'
(staring contest follows where neither wavers)
me - 'I'll get up then'

I am incredulous and completely bemused. I get out of bed, shower, dress, go downstairs. Listen to Archers.

He comes down about an hour later and asks if I'm 'still sulking'. Rather than dissolve into lump of seething fury I tell him I'm leaving, he jokingly asks if he's dumped so clearly knows he's been a knob, tell him I'll text him later and leave.

Bit more background - this is my first relationship since end of EA marriage two years ago. Done the freedom programme and the horrendous divorce.

I feel like 'sending' me for a cup of tea was the tester and then refusing to 'let' me listen to a radio programme was pushing the boundary a bit further. Over reacting or ltb?

DearJ0hn Mon 10-Dec-12 12:21:35

Maybe he just hates the Archers?

Maybe he just wanted you to make him a cup of tea?

Maybe he is rude?

Maybe he is thoughtless?

Maybe he is controlling?

Maybe he is abusive?

Maybe he has faults like the rest of us?

Maybe he was in a bad mood?

Who knows? All anyone can do is guess. So, it's your call. You know him. If this was me, I'd confront him... ' I was upset when you said blah blah blah and when you did blah blah... what do you have to say to that? ' and take it from there.

If you don't want to talk to him about it, then there is your answer.

Personally, I think he sounds like a bit of a twat and you sound like a bit of an over thinker.

MardyArsedMidlander Mon 10-Dec-12 12:26:12

My friend's boyfriend once walked out of a formal dinner party to go and listen to the Archers in the bedroom.. that relationship didn't last long either wink

snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 12:26:35

Certainly not Mr Perfect, can be an arsey git and snapped at me during check in for a flight although, to be fair, I'd been goading him to see if he'd snap........... [childish emoticon]

He'd been playing golf but there was no-one there to play with so had done (? however, one describes the act of playing golf) nine holes on his own and come home.

Who do stubborn strong willed people have relationships with then handbag?

Aspiemum2 Mon 10-Dec-12 12:28:43

He's a golfer?! Well that just changes everything - ltb wink

snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 12:30:20

The Archers has much to answer for mardy.

Dear John I think you've nailed it. I'm going to talk to him and report back. I'm definitely an over thinker. Must GET A JOB.................

snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 12:34:05

Thanks Aspie that's why I held that nugget back, I knew people would have stronger opinions about golf than either the Archers or emotional abusegrin

EnjoyResponsibly Mon 10-Dec-12 12:40:54

Could it be just possible that he likes your tea and hates the Archers.

In our house this could have happened any given Sunday. DH likes my tea and is unequivocal regarding his dislike of Terry Wogan.

He'd also snap at me at checkin if I'd been deliberately picking a row. Surely everyone bickers at the airport.

He's done a thing you don't like. Talk about it rather than go to the extreme, unless there's really more to it and you feel this is part of a trend.

NotGoodNotBad Mon 10-Dec-12 12:46:33

Just to add, it really gets my back up when someone is mean (like your DP in this case), then when the other person doesn't just smile and say OK fine, the mean person tells them they're sulking. hmm What they mean is, I can do what I want and you have to put up with it - cheerfully.

DearJ0hn Mon 10-Dec-12 12:48:18

Yes you're high maintenance luv

Takes one to know one i'm afraid grin

Just talk to him and then make a decision. Lots of luck.

Narked Mon 10-Dec-12 12:53:26

You're not over thinking, you're more aware of things because of your past. That's a good thing. When you've been in an abusive relationship your sense of what's normal becomes warped. You're keeping your eyes open so you don't sleepwalk into a bad situation.

Lovingfreedom Mon 10-Dec-12 13:08:32

You've only been together 5 months - he's ordering cups of tea, calling your fave radio programme crap and deciding that you can't listen to it, he's accusing you of sulking and he's taunting you with ending the relationship and you're having staring contests. This sounds pretty unpleasant. I don't know if he's controlling or not...but he's certainly got a strong sense of entitlement. I'd get the hell out tbh.

Lovingfreedom Mon 10-Dec-12 13:12:45

Yes you're high maintenance luv

DearJ0hn wft???

sarahseashell Mon 10-Dec-12 16:51:43

typed a long reply which got lost confused but to summarise agree with lovingfreedom,ltb and find yourself a nice man who adores you and would be happy to make you a cuppa 5 months in! they do exist smile

HandbagCrab Mon 10-Dec-12 19:21:37

Being stubborn isn't a desirable character trait is it? If both parties dig their heels in, how do they come to a compromise? Your partner stubbornly refused to let you listen to the archers. This didn't make you feel good.

Strong willed is another one. What does it even mean? That you know what you want and go out and get it? Fair enough, but what if that is at the expense of others, where do you draw the line?

If I felt myself to be stubborn I would work on being more flexible without compromising my boundaries. If I felt I was being argumentative for the sake of it, I would work on why I was doing that. I'd perhaps consider I was being bloody minded because I was scared of being abused so I was giving as good as I thought i would get from the beginning to protect myself or perhaps to give myself the opportunity to be able to explain it away as a passionate relationship or '6 of one, half a dozen of the other'.

I think what is important is that he was an arse, you didn't really pull him up on it and he didn't apologise for being an arse. If you were to ring him now and say 'you were a bit of an arse on Sunday morning, expecting me to traipse round making tea and then being all rude about me wanting to listen to the archers, what was all that about?' what would happen?

FlourFace Mon 10-Dec-12 19:32:32

Maybe he just doesn't like the Archers.

snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 21:30:28

I'm planning to do just that in about 30 mins handbag, will report back.

ponybaloney Mon 10-Dec-12 23:55:12

Well? What did he say? <interested>

BertieBotts Mon 10-Dec-12 23:58:22

You're clearly not compatible - you need an Archers-loving boyfriend grin

Monty27 Tue 11-Dec-12 00:06:09

Fairly recently (20 months rl) I had one similar (in *my home*). I adored him on many levels but....

I dumped him.

CuriousMama Tue 11-Dec-12 00:18:04

How did it go?

orchidee Tue 11-Dec-12 00:37:12

The problem with abusers is that they don't punch you in the face on a first date. Things would be so much clearer that way. smile Instead though it's hazy ahead and clear in hindsight.

OP- how are things now, did you have a chat tonight?

ComradeJing Tue 11-Dec-12 04:47:22


How did it go?

I vote LTB by the way.

CaliforniaSucksSnowballs Tue 11-Dec-12 05:57:26

Well the way he treated you struck a chord with you and raised red flags, you need to listen to how he makes you feel, not just the good bits.

Mimishimi Tue 11-Dec-12 06:10:22

He didn't sound very upset by the prospect of your relationship ending. That's what would make him 'dumpable' to me. He may genuinely hate the Archers, he may have wanted to lie in bed to read the paper ( good for spreading it all out), he might think you make a great cup of tea. He certainly could have been much politer about it , especially the radio program. He should not necessarily feel contrite about asking you to go downstairs but I think if he cared about you, he would have apologised for the rude way in which he went about it and would have felt dismayed that you were hurt by it. Instead it seemed as though he were laughing at you&#128531;. I wouldn't even call him back to explain that I was hurt actually. If he called, I'd probably tell him that I can't see the relationship continuing.

SomersetONeil Tue 11-Dec-12 06:47:11

You're not over-thinking and you're not high maintenance. Just for the record.

Him coming down an hour later and asking if you're sulking is SUCH a telling comment.

Why would you be sulking unless something had gone down, and someone had done something to piss the other right off? He's basically admitted to pissing you off, and rightly so. He knew full well what he did.

And - here's the things - there was utterly no need to forbid (because that is what he did) you to listen to the Archers. He was reading. The radio being on was no skin off his nose. The only reason he did that was to see if he could do it.

And he didn't get away with it. The whole atmosphere in the house changed after he did it, and he knew full well that you were Not Happy. He now knows how far he can push you, which isn't very.

By all means give him another chance if he's that good in the sack - but my last dollar says he will need that other chance, because anyone who tests someone in such a ludicrously controlling way so obviously and so soon into a relationship won't be able to help themselves. I say you deserve better. And there is better out there.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now