Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Been brooding about this. Don't want to drip feed so bit long.
Have been seeing bloke for five months. It has been fun - great sex, lots of social stuff. We both have kids but tend to see each other alone, mutual choice.
This weekend - no kids. Lovely Friday afternoon in bed, both left work early so could spend a bit of quality time together. Saturday had tickets for a show in London, travelled up early, delicious lunch, museum, touristy walk, show, great dinner and home
more great sex
Sunday am, he wakes early to take part in hobby (by prior agreement) I stay in bed, lounge about, have coffee. he returns about 3 hrs later comes back to bed bringing Sunday papers. He asks for cup of tea (although he has just come up stairs) I make him cup of tea and come back to bed.
So we're lounging about, drinking tea, reading paper and the popular omnibus version of a weekly tale of the life of country folk is announced. I am an habitual, though not obsessive, listener, which he knows. Following conversation ensues:
Him - 'oh we're not listening to this shit'
me - 'it's the Archer's I want to know what happens to blah' (don't want to bore you with plot)
him - well you can go downstairs if you want to hear it'(re-tunes to replay of TMS)
me - 'hang on, you're reading the paper, can't I listen to the Archers?'
him - 'No'
me - 'what?'
him - 'no'
me - ' are you seriously saying that I can't listen to the archers while you read the paper?'
him - 'yes'
me - 'you are joking?'
him - 'no'
(staring contest follows where neither wavers)
me - 'I'll get up then'
I am incredulous and completely bemused. I get out of bed, shower, dress, go downstairs. Listen to Archers.
He comes down about an hour later and asks if I'm 'still sulking'. Rather than dissolve into lump of seething fury I tell him I'm leaving, he jokingly asks if he's dumped so clearly knows he's been a knob, tell him I'll text him later and leave.
Bit more background - this is my first relationship since end of EA marriage two years ago. Done the freedom programme and the horrendous divorce.
I feel like 'sending' me for a cup of tea was the tester and then refusing to 'let' me listen to a radio programme was pushing the boundary a bit further. Over reacting or ltb?
This was your test. You passed it. Congratulations.
He comes in, asks you to make tea. (softly softly, and you complied so he went to the next level
He tells you you cant listen to the radio.
If you are to listen to the radio, you leave the bedroom.
He was trying to see whether he could manipulate and control you.
He knew this could turn out two ways:
If you had not decided to leave, he would know he could control and manipulate you.
But you left, you showed him that this is not going to happen.
I really hope that you wont go back to him.
That was not meant to be a smiley! It was meant to be : )
My instinct is to address it head on and tell him that I thought his behaviour was rude. I don't think there's any value in going down the route of explaining to him that it seemed controlling or a red flag because if he is a controlling knob he'll gaslight me and if he isn't he'll be completely confused and think I'm a demented neurotic.
Hmm Gold that was kind of my worst case scenario.
Is there a point addressing it at all?
He was rude, no doubt, but he would not understand this.
He made a judgement on your radioprogramme (which he could have tuned out from as he was reading the paper)
He demanded you leave the room, if you were going to listen. You questioned him. He was firm.
He treated you without respect and as a child.
He asked if you were still sulking. I think he has shown his true colours, and your instincts were SPOT ON.
I wonder where he is from.
OK you were at his.... still. Flat 'nos' are never an attractive trait...
It sounds like he was saying/doing anything to get you to leave the bedroom tbh.
When you followed him upstairs he sent you back down to make tea. When you came back up he sent you downstairs again to listen to the radio.
Why did he need to read the newspaper in the bedroom?
gold I think he might be from the land that time forgot......
copper maybe I'd outstayed my welcome?
I'm with Gold.
It's sad, it's a shame, but it's dumpable.
He was probably also making a point of the fact that Snoop had been enjoying a lie-in while he was out and about.
The fact that he was out and about on a pre-arranged spot of hobbying and she was visiting the area only to see him will have passed him by completely ime.
He will have perceived as her having a 'rest' while he 'worked'. This would always be deemed unfair by controlling types.
He was trying to see whether he could manipulate and control you.
How on earth is saying "You're not listening to that shite in my bedroom" manipulative? Surely such directness is the very opposite.
If someone put anything on the radio in my bedroom without asking me if it was all right, I'd tell them to sling their hook.
themaltesecat, if you were my boyfriend, and I had just made you a cup of tea, and you settled down to read the paper in bed, I would not ask you if I may listen to the radio. You are not my dad, or superior, and I am not a casual visitor, but your girlfriend. If you asked me to sling the hook if I turned on the radio to listen to something I enjoy (it is not a rock opera FGS), I would leave and not look back. I would consider you a rude selfish twat.
Well that's another angle Snoop, maybe he was behaving that way to 'encourage' you to leave.
Certainly the sulking comment followed by the Am I dumped indicates he isn't overly concerned
Is it possible that he feels the relationship has run it's course but is one of those that struggles to just say it?
Well... if someone was staying over at my house and wanted to listen to something I couldn't stand, they could jolly well go and listen to it somewhere else. I wouldn't be turfed out of my own bedroom by the bleedin' Archers! But by the same token, being the host and owner of the facilities, I wouldn't instruct the guest to make tea. It would go more like: ok, I really really don't want to listen to that, I'll pop downstairs and make us some tea shall I?
I agree, it's not the one thing, it's the two in combination that make it look dodgy. Keep a weather eye out for any more red flags.
overThinking back Aspie there were a few odd moments this weekend but in the opposite direction, on several occasions he seemed to want me to tell him how I feel about him then withdrew. We do not say 'I love you'. I do not love him, I am enormously fond of him and have told him so. I am not gushy but I am very physically affectionate. He was very sweet all weekend (until 10am Sunday) lots of cuddles, hand holding and kissing whilst out (usually a bit anti pda's) I get the feeling he wants me to commit or sling my hook.
Exactly, Annie Or he could have distracted me with sex (easily distracted by sex me)
Well he could try saying so instead of setting weird little tests
How strange he sounds, and quite hard work too.
I am also someone with a previous ea relationship and always keen to try not to jump to conclusions.
It doesn't sound like particularly controlling behaviour to me, in my own experience it began much more subtly and only really after I was committed (pregnant with ds)
It still pays to be cautious though, the tea and archers thing isn't really what concerns me tbh. It's his attitude towards you being upset that's odd. It's how exdp would have acted. My dh would be mortified to have upset me and wouldn't downplay it that way.
For me it more boils down to how seriously he takes your feelings, does he normally trivialise them?
So not interested in a relationship that's hard work. He has been ticking lots of boxes so far, intelligent, funny, similar sense of humour, very good cook, does not interfere with my parenting. He's never trivialised my feelings before. think it's one to watch but now have a niggle at the back of my mind. Humpf.
Two big fat red flags. And after only five months?
Bin him and be glad you found out this early on.
If you live a 3 hour drive apart, and both have kids, I'm guessing you haven't actually spent a lot of time together during these 5 months?
It reminds me of a dear old friend, who used to suddenly "explode" for no apparent reason. It gradually escalated into emotional abuse (although I didn't recognise this until afterwards), and I had to end the friendship.
I sometimes wondered if random things were triggering "flashbacks" to conflict in earlier relationships. But ultimately, it makes no difference. No-one treats me (or my precious family) like that . . .
Let's say you give it another five months until he does something arsey again. In that time you could have met another man who ticks all his boxes and lets you listen to the archers and doesn't expect you to traipse up and downstairs making cups of tea.
I don't believe he has been mr perfect until the archers. I think you will have ignored, minimised or explained away similar behaviour. I don't think any good will come from a long term relationship where both parties describe themselves as strong willed and stubborn either. Best of luck
Is it not equally possible that he'd just had a bad morning? What was he doing? For example if he was off playing sports and he/his team lost then he might have just been in a grump?
I'm not saying the OP shouldn't be cautious but perhaps we are over analysing an 'off day'
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.