Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(94 Posts)
snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 07:42:16

Been brooding about this. Don't want to drip feed so bit long.

Have been seeing bloke for five months. It has been fun - great sex, lots of social stuff. We both have kids but tend to see each other alone, mutual choice.

This weekend - no kids. Lovely Friday afternoon in bed, both left work early so could spend a bit of quality time together. Saturday had tickets for a show in London, travelled up early, delicious lunch, museum, touristy walk, show, great dinner and home more great sex

Sunday am, he wakes early to take part in hobby (by prior agreement) I stay in bed, lounge about, have coffee. he returns about 3 hrs later comes back to bed bringing Sunday papers. He asks for cup of tea (although he has just come up stairs) I make him cup of tea and come back to bed.

So we're lounging about, drinking tea, reading paper and the popular omnibus version of a weekly tale of the life of country folk is announced. I am an habitual, though not obsessive, listener, which he knows. Following conversation ensues:

Him - 'oh we're not listening to this shit'
me - 'it's the Archer's I want to know what happens to blah' (don't want to bore you with plot)
him - well you can go downstairs if you want to hear it'(re-tunes to replay of TMS)
me - 'hang on, you're reading the paper, can't I listen to the Archers?'
him - 'No'
me - 'what?'
him - 'no'
me - ' are you seriously saying that I can't listen to the archers while you read the paper?'
him - 'yes'
me - 'you are joking?'
him - 'no'
(staring contest follows where neither wavers)
me - 'I'll get up then'

I am incredulous and completely bemused. I get out of bed, shower, dress, go downstairs. Listen to Archers.

He comes down about an hour later and asks if I'm 'still sulking'. Rather than dissolve into lump of seething fury I tell him I'm leaving, he jokingly asks if he's dumped so clearly knows he's been a knob, tell him I'll text him later and leave.

Bit more background - this is my first relationship since end of EA marriage two years ago. Done the freedom programme and the horrendous divorce.

I feel like 'sending' me for a cup of tea was the tester and then refusing to 'let' me listen to a radio programme was pushing the boundary a bit further. Over reacting or ltb?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 07:50:43

Being an Archers Addict, someone turning off R4 in my home without my permission (especially mid omnibus edition when Lilian is having difficult phone-calls with her lover!!!) is well and truly beyond the pale. Dumping's too good for 'em.

Seriously.... anyone demanding I run around making drinks or telling me I can't do anything in my own home would be regarded with deep horror. My house, my rules. Trust your judgement,

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake Mon 10-Dec-12 07:53:26


Why wasn't he downstairs? why does he get to interrupt your morning when you're lying around upstairs?

Just get rid.

Theala Mon 10-Dec-12 07:54:52

you were in his house and he asked you to make him tea? bizarre behaviour, without even getting in to the archers weirdness. i vote ltb. he sounds quite controlling.

snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 08:01:13

I thought the tea thing was weird. Couldn't understand why he hadn't brought a cup up with him but wasn't particularly bothered until I put it together with the radio thing.

ErikNorseman Mon 10-Dec-12 08:07:21

I don't know if it's dumpable but I would not like that at all.

SugaricePlumFairy Mon 10-Dec-12 08:07:25

He sounds tricky.

The cup of tea thing then insisting that you go downstairs to listen to your radio show is odd and a touch controlling.

Imagine living with him full time!

MissKeithLemon Mon 10-Dec-12 08:10:14

I'd be thinking the same as you snoop. I am also massively aware of red flags following an EA relationship.

I have dumped for pretty similiar behaviour. Are there any other times recently he has behaved like an entitled prick?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 08:11:24

This is probably the real him with his feet under the table, as it were. A former boyfriend of mine came over to pick me up for a date one Wednesday evening and, without asking, switched the TV onto some football match (which I loathe...) with a cheery 'you don't mind do you?'. He never did it again, I can assure you.

It may not be enough justification for dumping in isolation but keep your wits about you, be assertive and if he shows more selfish behaviour or acts like he owns the place again, have a rethink.

freddybanana Mon 10-Dec-12 08:13:31

No, you're not overreacting.

DH often watches things on the box I'm not interested in. I let him watch them without making a fuss because I realise we like different things, I love him and I know it makes him happy. He does the same for me.

A decent bloke would have made tea and brought it up to bed.

I would push him away if I were you. Life is too short to be tip toe-ing around your partner because they don't approve of certain things that are important to you.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 10-Dec-12 08:22:09

Trust your instincts

snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 08:28:23

First time he's behaved like a cock tbh. We're both strong willed and stubborn and part of the dynamic of our relationship is that we like a good debate. I would have happily argued the merits of the archer's v TMS but it wasn't like that, he just said 'no'.

scaevola Mon 10-Dec-12 08:32:07

It shows him in a very poor light.

Only you can decide if it's a one-off and his dumping comment was a (badly judged) attempt to diffuse the situation. If he doesn't realise that, for you, it wasn't about The Archers, but rather about permission and control, would you be able to tell him?

And does the thought of opening up to him in that way make you recoil, or do you think he would respond well? Your instinctive reaction to that question might show whether you see him as a partner who is good to be with, or if there is something that is putting you into the (unhealthy) place of feeling you're on egg-shells

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 08:33:36

Just be careful. What you're reading as 'strong willed and stubborn' can so easily become 'controlling'. Similarly 'a good debate' can end up as a shouting match. It's five months in, the honeymoon period is clearly over, and it's when people relax that they show their real selves.

VoiceofUnreason Mon 10-Dec-12 08:36:20

If you're lucky, he'll get in first and dump you for being an Archers' listener....

First time I ever stayed with my now-ex for a weekend I had to endure listening to The Archers. If only I'd taken it as a red flag and got out then rather than years later. But it was her house, so she got to choose....

Actually, with serious hat on, it does sound a bit controlling. I wouldn't necessarily dump, but I'd make sure the rose tinted glasses were off and keep my eyes open for more examples to see whether it was a one off or not.

BillyBollyBrandy Mon 10-Dec-12 08:37:29

Were you at his house?

DH would have gone downstairs if he didnt want to listen to the radio.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 10-Dec-12 09:16:17

2 things. Firstly, people who hate the Archers often really hate it - as in can't stand to be in the same room as the Borsetshire tones. So then the question is - who has to uproot, you or him? He may think you've had 3 hours lie-in already while he was out, & it's his turn now. Maybe he couldn't carry tea tray and newspapers up in one go, and if he'd gone back down to make tea & bring it back up, it's him waiting on you hand & foot & maybe he didn't feel like doing that. Just saying.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Mon 10-Dec-12 09:22:22

"So then the question is - who has to uproot, you or him? "

Errr.... it's her home??? He may be a boyfriend but he's still essentially a guest. Would you stay the weekend at a friend's house, demand hot drinks, criticise their radio/TV choices and expect them to obey?

rumbelina Mon 10-Dec-12 09:26:07

Were you at his house or yours? Not that it should matter but would help set the scene, eg when dh and I were first together I'd be more likely to make the tea in my house.

Aspiemum2 Mon 10-Dec-12 09:26:38

I got the impression it was his home?

I wouldn't want to listen to the archers either but I wouldn't ruin a cosy morning in bed over it. I'm not one for watching tv but dh enjoys it so I MN read whilst he watches tv. Seems like he was a bit of a prick about it

snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 09:28:29

I honestly get the 'hate the archers' brigade, tv soaps make me want to throw things at the telly so would not inflict it on someone, if he'd said 'I loathe it, please don't do this to me' I'd have shagged him instead (win-win in my book). It was the straight 'no' that got me.

Agree re the end of the honeymoon stuff. I didn't shave my legs this weekend.

Re the tea, it was just for him. To clarify, I was downstairs when he got back, he went upstairs and I followed then he asked for cup of tea. And no, I wasn't holding a freshly brewed mug myself.

Also, leaving involved a three hour drive home, just to give indication of level of crossness.

VoiceofUnreason Mon 10-Dec-12 09:29:25

Cogito - I also am under the impression it was HIS house, not hers, which is why SHE chose to leave. In which case, she is the guest and you presumably now feel he was completely in the right?

snoopdogg Mon 10-Dec-12 09:29:29

I was at his.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 10-Dec-12 09:31:57

I don't think it matters all that much whose house it was, bearing in mind his bossy and arsey behaviour

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 10-Dec-12 09:32:40


I do not like it.

It seems like the beginning of a game to show the other who is the top dog.

What do you feel and want to do?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: