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Have I been fooling myself for the last six years?

(27 Posts)
messybedhead Sun 09-Dec-12 17:44:34

I was just reading another thread about a partner having an affair but not admitting to anything physical, and now a while later she has found out the truth.

Anyway it got me thinking, well it actually make me feel all funny and a bit sick.

Six years ago I asked my DP to leave following an incident on a night out where he left me and went off 'clubbing' with another woman. He left easily without asking to explain or protest his innocence and my mum tried to tell me that he must be seeing someone as in her experience no man ever walks away unless he has someone else waiting.

Obviously I said oh no no DP isn't like that . I thought I'd overreacted but that it was for the best that we had split as we were always arguing anyway .

Then a mutual friend told me that DP wasn't in fact staying with a family member as he had told me , but with the woman that he went off with that first night.

Now this is where I think I've been incredibly stupid.
He told me that he stayed at her house when she was at her mums, as a friend. Then he admitted they'd 'kissed' but nothing more. He eventually admitted they had slept together. All what I had expected.

But we were apart for 6 months... He wants me to believe that they slept together a handful of times but he 'couldn't perform' most of the time because he knew it was wrong. That they were friends and she used to come on to him and most of the time he would reject her. He told me it was never that serious as her ex was on the scene.

He turned up one day out of the blue full of remorse and begging to come home. I say out of the blue because I may have hmm begged him to come home lots of times and he was really nasty to me. Obviously the idiot I am I let him come back (we had a 2 year old DD).

But the point of this thread ( sorry it's so long) is that I have just now realised that they were probably at it like rabbits for those six months and that he only came back to me because she got back with her ex and chucked my DP out.

What are the odds that his version of events are true???

CailinDana Sun 09-Dec-12 17:46:20

Odds are zero I'm afraid. Absolutely zero. He fed you a load of bullshit.

How are things between you now?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 17:47:26

I think it much more likely that you are correct and he is a liar. All his behaviour points to it.

I suggest though that you have known this all along, and ask if anything has happened that has made the scales fall from your eyes particularly now ?

Offred Sun 09-Dec-12 17:51:12

Yes I think not very likely what he says is true. What did he say to her about you? :/

What are you going to do?

Worried by the taking him back because of dd... :/

messybedhead Sun 09-Dec-12 17:56:07

We're not great. Got together too young and I rely on him for child care, him on me to pay the bills. Quite tragic really. Think I've had threads about it before but I get given lots of wonderful advice that I am too stupid to take on board.

Without wanting to drip feed, a few months ago I caught him messaging on bbm ( we are not teenagers even though it sounds like it) filth to someone and found secret email addresses and even a fake fb page.
This will out me to anyone who knows me as I made a big joke out of it to all my friends. But it's not funny!

Apparently 'nothing happened ' with the messages and blah blah blah. But it's not really normal to do this is it?

I know I'll be told that because I take him back he'll keep on doing it , and I know that it's true. But when I co front him he makes out like I'm mad and pathetic for keep going on about it.

I am trying to change our work/ life arrangements so that I will not have to rely on him for childcare, and I think once that happens I won't have to put up with him anymore .

messybedhead Sun 09-Dec-12 17:59:08

It was reading the other thread where the DH or DP admitted to a friend what he had done and the OP wasn't sure if she was overreacting .

Made me realise that obviously my own stupid DP was lying to me but it was a long time ago and well there's not much I can do now.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 18:01:40

Try harder to make it that you rely on him for nothing

Or look at it this way...if you pay the bills anyway, a single parent house is cheaper to run...thus freeing up money for childcare (plus some support from friends/family)

You don't have to stay with him, there will be a way to sort it. If you are not willing to make the break though, we are all wasting our time, aren't we

And that is meant nicely, because I and others who post here repeatedly have all the time in the world to keep telling you that you deserve better. But until you start to believe it, it is your time stuck in a relationship with a liar that is further eroding your self respect

Rindercella Sun 09-Dec-12 18:08:28

Anyfucker as always speaks bags of sense.

This man relentlessly tells you lies upon lies upon lies. Your whole relationship (certainly from the moment he first left) is built on lies. You cannot trust this man. He has slept with women behind your back, he has actively sought out women to sleep with, creating fake email and Facebook accounts and he has lied to you about it all.

Nothing will change his behaviour. He is the archetypal cheater.

You DO have a choice. You can move on from this man and get on with your life. Honestly, it will enhance your life to be free of him, not make it worse.

messybedhead Sun 09-Dec-12 18:10:06

You are right. I know this.

I don't want to out myself but I am in a profession where it would be possible for my DC to receive their education at my place of work. I am applying for places at the moment and if they can come to work with me in the morning and leave with me of an evening, DP would be of no use to me anyway.

I am pinning all my hopes on this at the moment, as I have no family local and could not afford childcare even with tax credit help.

I don't mean to waste anyone's time.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 18:12:41

Don't misunderstand me. MN'ers time is limitless because there will always be someone to tell you the same thing over and over, but yours is not.

dondon33 Sun 09-Dec-12 18:21:47

messy could you not speak to someone at work and maybe give a little detail why you need DC to attend that specific place? you wouldn't need to give too much detail except that you will soon be a single parent and it would make your life a bit easier etc

Good luck with getting rid of this useless lying arse, hope it all works out for you.

messybedhead Sun 09-Dec-12 18:24:17

I know, thank you to all of you who have replied.

I want to talk about it with him tonight because it frustrates me so much that he won't admit the truth.

I don't know if that's what normal people would want to do, keep bringing it up after all this time? Or should I just stop going on about it ( as he will no doubt tell me) ?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Sun 09-Dec-12 18:30:08

It doesn't matter what he admits to.

You aren't stuck there until you can get him to be honest.

You know what you know, and you can leave at any time.

ImperialBlether Sun 09-Dec-12 18:36:00

I would bide my time and then kick him out when everything else is settled. If you can get childcare with your job, then he will have to get a job, won't he? Was it a conscious decision that he should be a SAHD or was he reluctant to get a job?

If he's out of work, when did he stop? How did he manage for money during those six months?

messybedhead Sun 09-Dec-12 18:43:33

He had a job previously but lost it during those six months, I don't really know the full story there either.

He had another job but lost that just before I started training for my job. So instead of the DC going to the childcare that I had organised ( and paid for) he looks after them.

He likes to keep reminding me that if it wasn't for him my life would be a lot harder. He's right. Which is why I'm trying to sort their school out.

messybedhead Sun 09-Dec-12 18:43:36

He had a job previously but lost it during those six months, I don't really know the full story there either.

He had another job but lost that just before I started training for my job. So instead of the DC going to the childcare that I had organised ( and paid for) he looks after them.

He likes to keep reminding me that if it wasn't for him my life would be a lot harder. He's right. Which is why I'm trying to sort their school out.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 18:44:02

He will never admit the truth. You know this. Hanging on for thr "big reveal" just keeps you stuck in the same holding pattern.

It is up to you to decide if your trust and respect in him has been eroded past breaking point by his actions. If you keep wanting him to help you out by coming clean, you are handing him all the power

Take it back. You and only you should have the power to decide. It doesn't matter what he says now, unless there is still a part of you that can be persuaded to rationalise his lies.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 09-Dec-12 18:46:33

The best he can do to make you stay is remind you of his childcare abilities ?

He is a father, that is what fathers do

If you split, you would still expect him to take care of his children

That's meant to guilt trip you into keeping him ? Poor, very very poor. You can pay for childcare, but an honest and trustworthy partner is priceless

dequoisagitil Sun 09-Dec-12 18:49:43

Hang on, if you had paid for childcare then there's no benefit to him doing it instead, just means you lost the money?

And while your life may be easier in the practical terms of childcare, it is not easier emotionally by spending your life in pain, distrust & using up your energy on worrying about his infidelity.

messybedhead Sun 09-Dec-12 18:55:17

I paid the first two months upfront, I didn't continue to pay for it afterwards.
While I was training I was eligible for a partial grant, now that I am working I'd probably get I think it's up to 75% paid, but I still couldn't afford the rest.

tallwivglasses Sun 09-Dec-12 19:09:11

"He likes to keep reminding me that if it wasn't for him my life would be a lot harder. He's right."

Oh Messy, he's done a good job on you, hasn't he? You pay for his lifestyle, without which his life would no doubt be a lot harder.

Your life would be a lot easier if you didn't have to worry about his lying, secret email accounts, and total lack of respect for you.

The reason you want to bring it up after all this time is because nothing was resolved - and let's face it, nothing will be. Please, as others have said, you and your child deserve much better than this.

OldernotWiser47 Sun 09-Dec-12 20:07:38

Hi, Messy. I post rarely, and lurk a lot,but I think my story may interest you.
I split up with ExP about 3.5 yrs ago, DS was 2.5 yo., 2 older DC. I was left with massive amounts of debt ( in excess of £40000) that he had managed to run up, mostly in my name as I was sole earner.
He did child care. No family, i am not british.
It has been very hard at times, but you know what? I manage. Despite child care, I have managed to repay more then half the debt already.
He has not been seen, nor paid anything for 3 years.
The only difference is that the main drain on my income is gone.
It is a vast improvement! ( Despite the insane hours I have to work)
All the best, go for it!

ImperialBlether Sun 09-Dec-12 20:15:51

Oh OP, he's manipulating you! Your life would be harder without him? What about his bloody life being harder without you? Get yourself sorted with childcare and tell him to sod off.

Beckamaw Sun 09-Dec-12 20:24:13

Your life would be SO MUCH EASIER without this drain on your emotions, this fuckwittage.

He has lied repeatedly. He lives off you. He does not respect you.

While you continue to allow him to do this, you remain in a state of limbo.
If you offload this excuse of a man, you open up your life to a whole world of positive possibilities.

I assure you that if you evict this idiot, your life will improve exponentially. The money will be resolved somehow. Your children will grow up to have healthy role models.

I know what I'm talking about too. Trust me!

ohthehumanity Mon 10-Dec-12 09:19:05

Sorry to jump on the OP's post - the big reveal - how, how, how to we get all bones laid bare apart from legal action?

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