Hi there I am thinking of how best to move forward with this so would welcome some thoughts on it.
My mum split with my dad before I can remember and was pg with my db. We all loved together for years and I think had a fairly normal childhood apart from being poor and my dad hardly seeing us. Mum was very bitter and never really spoke about our dad.
When I was about 12 she remarried a very nice but extremely passive man who was nice to us but made no attempt to actually parent us.
They had a baby boy who was stillborn. My brother and I were very upset but nobody ever spoke to us about it I just remember seeing mum sore and upset.
They went on to have my two sisters who I adored and spent loads of time with and love dearly but felt as though from their arrival I was completely eft to my own devices. I pushed boundaries but was pretty much ignored and given no help planning a future.
I became pg at 16 from an older not very nice man but was pretty much told I ended to leave ASAP which I did.
He was very violent some of which mum knew about but she never helped me and eventually I left at 19 with2 ds having suffered multiple injury s.
I've moved on since then. I trained to be a nurse then a sw and have been married twice with 5 dc.
My ex cheated on me after 18yrs and mum was slightly supportive but soon wouldn't hear a word against him and even gave him money for Xmas 3 months after he'd left me for ow. She gave him 40 pounds,I had a jewellery box.
She saw my violent ex once and chatted to him telling me what a nice bloke he is and that he'd offered to donate a kidney to ds who needed one. I pointed out that had he not beaten the hell out of me whilst pg with ds he wouldn't actually need a kidney. Mum told me I was making that up and it hadn't happened.
Over the years I have always accepted that my sisters get a lot more than I do because they were little but now they are 30 and 31 and still opens get lots more than I do as do their partners. Mum tells me what she's got them in their elaborate stockings and they get a large gift eg camera or I pod and other things. I get a small gift.
When I was a lone parent I spent Xmas alone as "we just like it quiet" but now the girls are adults they all get together for Xmas and never ask me.
When I got remarried 4 years ago on Xmas eve mum and step dad popped in for the ceremony but couldn't stay for the meal as "we are too busy with Xmas" I later found out from my sisters that it was my step dad who didn't want to come and mum said "I have to keep the peace"
Last Xmas it was suggested we do a secret Santa as we all have dc so a lot to buy for. This seemed a good idea until I realised that mum still lavished gifts on the girls during their Xmas together but I got nothing from her as was included in the secret Santa
I went Xmas shopping Friday with sister and mum and she blatantly bought sis one if her Xmas presents in front if me. I later said I didn't want to do secret Santa anymore.
I really could go on but I won't apart from to say that she is great at times, helps out with kids and buys them stuff.
I did once tell my sister how I felt but she dismissed it as we are all grown up now and mum is good to you.
They are all planning a holiday now to celebrate my sisters 30th. Openly discuss it in front if me but I'm not asked to go.
Sorry it's so long but if really love to hear what others make of this.
Dh says its just that she sees them as children still but still hurtful for me.
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Is this a toxic mother?
15 replies
ledkr · 09/12/2012 16:11
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