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Please help. Need advice in ex's visits with children

(40 Posts)
Nomorepain Sun 09-Dec-12 10:10:41


I'm after a bit if advice. Exh left us after cheating when I was pregnant. I thought we had a loving marriage. affair was a complete shock to me. He walked out on me and ds when dd was 5 weeks old. He had shown himself to be a mean character that I don't recognise at all. We were together for 16 years.

Since leaving his visits with children have been erratic. Always turns up late and sometimes not at all. My little boy is hurt at his dad not turning up and I am running out f ways to manage the situation. Yest he text 15 mins after he was due to tell me he had to go into work. He works over 3 hours away so he would have known from early in that he wouldn't be visiting. My little boy had been waiting in the window all morning for his daddy. So sad. I called up ex and said it wasn't fair and ds was upset his response was that I had annoyed him and he wouldn't be coming at all.

Tbh even when he does see the children he doesn't actually do anything nice with them. Never plays with them or thinks about things they would like to do. Last visit involved him taking them to b and q, costa coffee, local town centre and then McDonald's. they are 3 and 9 months!! he is constantly on his phone and ignores the children. In spite of this my little boy loves his dad and is desperate to see him.

I am so upset that he can do this to our children. I have no support with the children and have them on my own constantly. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I had plans for yesterday and today that I was looking forward to but have now had to cancel. He dictates to me when he sees the children and then still let's them down.

Please can someone help me. How do I change this horrible cycle? I am desperate

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 09-Dec-12 10:15:18

Such a man does not deserve the time of day. He is not above using the children either to punish you. Informal arrangements therefore were never going to work out and he is letting his children down (and will continue to do so).

I would at the very least formalise all access via a contact centre from now on and communicate with him via a Solicitor. Seek legal advice as soon as possible.

MrsFlibble Sun 09-Dec-12 10:16:39

Well, have you ever thought of supervised access at a contact centre, and perhaps maybe keep a log of all the times he doesnt show up.

It sounds like seeing the children are a way of annoying and controlling you, rather than to actually see the DC's.

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 09-Dec-12 10:17:06

So sorry to hear how tired you are. I know how you feel about being sole carer with no help all too well!

I was wondering if you have made a diary of all of the times he is meant to meet them and whether he does or not? I think you need to go to a solicitor to get a proper system in place. Something more regular and solid. If he doesn't turn up there will be a legal consequence. He is obviously of the opinion he can walk all over you and disregard his children's needs and I think this type of man must be put right by 'the strong arm of the law' so to speak! wink

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 09-Dec-12 10:18:43

Someone posted this the other day and I wondered if it would help (haven't had the chance to look at it properly myself yet!)

Nomorepain Sun 09-Dec-12 10:39:36

I've kept a diary and it doesn't make for pleasant reading. I know he is controlling me. He goes through weeks if being nice to me - started putting shelves up for me last week so I can sore kids toys but didn't finish it! This is what he does. It is horrible and I am completely beaten by it.

I have served divorce papers on him so that is progressing jut need to get contact sorted. I think he would break even a legal arrangement and he has said in past he won't do contact centres. I just cannot understand how he can sleep at night. What are the legal obligations of not sticking to visits?

I am so tired I can't actually think straight at the moment. I am trying to sort Christmas, going bac to work in jan, sorting childcare, buying new car because he is taking my current one off me on the day I am due back to work and trying to look after and keep my 2 lovely little ones happy. I hate my life at the moment. Everything feels like a struggle!

MrsFlibble Sun 09-Dec-12 10:47:03

But your doing it all tho arent you, so it says alot about you, and your ex is just scum really, and why is he taking the car, is it his?

Just stay strong, your ex has no idea the kinda of strength you have, so use it as you trump card.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 09-Dec-12 10:52:57

" I think he would break even a legal arrangement and he has said in past he won't do contact centres"

Then there would be penalties which, in reality, would probably mean he gets to see the DCs even less. It's clear he's not particularly bothered about the quality of his relationship with the DCs if he ends up on the phone in coffee shops etc. and is simply using the opportunity to mess you around and annoy you. That's why it's important to take access away from being your decision and make it a legal imperative.... he can't control a solicitor.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 09-Dec-12 10:55:39

"He goes through weeks if being nice to me"

Please exclude him from your everyday life other than the contact with the children. All the time he is hanging around being nice & putting up shelves or whatever he's confusing the picture. He's not a friend. He's not a partner. You can't rely on him and his motives are suspect. Get someone else to do things around the house, keep him far more at arms length and you'll find you feel a lot less 'beaten'.

HisstletoeAndWhine Sun 09-Dec-12 10:56:49

Take back control. All of this is because he can.

Refuse to make any plans for visits, ignore his texts/calls etc. The children are being hurt by him, so that it gets to you.

Stop that now.

He's doing this because he can. End it now. If he wants to be a dad, let him work it out.
Oh and don't pay any attention to the apparent adoration between your poor boy and his hideous dad. Google Traumatic Bonding. It'll explain that mirage to you.

Be strong, blow this fuckwit out of the water.

MrsFlibble Sun 09-Dec-12 10:58:08

As Cog says, you really do need to speak to a solicitor, and do access in contact centres, because you need to remove yourself from the situation, he is just seeking to control you, by going the legal route it stops him from doing that.

Nomorepain Sun 09-Dec-12 11:06:30

He has just text to say he will pick kids up at 12.30!

maleview70 Sun 09-Dec-12 11:06:38

To stop your boy suffering don't tell him that his dad his coming.

Just let him get on with life and if he asks tell him his dad has to work.

If he then shows up then your boy will be happy. If he doesn't he will be non the wiser.

As for the solution, unfortunately you have no control over his behaviour, which is crap, and that it being kind!

Nomorepain Sun 09-Dec-12 11:12:22

I will let him have kids today but going to book another solicitor appointment for this week. I will get control back. I just feel so guilty about denying time with te children. I know he doesn't deserve it but they do. I hate this whole mess. Just wish I didn't feel so sad all of the time.

twinklesparkles Sun 09-Dec-12 11:28:09

Hugs hun, have you already txt him to say he can have them?

If not, txt him tell him its too late you've already left the house and are taking kids out.

Get yourself to solicitors or cab tommorow.

You can do this, you are already coping with so much and doing a great job


struwelpeter Sun 09-Dec-12 11:34:50

Either here or with RL friends or via the solicitor, work out what works for you re contact and the what works with the DCs. His needs/behaviour come right at the bottom of the pile.
Unless there are concerns re safety then a contact centre is hard to get and the waiting lists are long.
So you need to be totally independent of him for any practical help - it makes the emotional boundaries easier to enforce and will allow you to move on much faster.
If you think x hours every saturday or x hours on a tuesday evening or whatever would fit in with your plans then tell him that is what is going to happen. No wavering on your part, no fitting in when he desperately wants to see DCs (or attempt to regain some control over you).
If he doesn't like it, he'll have to go to court. Or come up with a concrete plan that you can negotiate over. It will force him to either think about the importance he attaches to DCs or walk away - but that will be his choice and you can't control that.
It's hard for DS, but if his dad is flaky self-centred bastard then it's probably easier that he comes to terms with that when he is younger.
There's loads of good advice on here. It takes time but once you wake up and realise you are free then life starts to get better. Honest smile

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 09-Dec-12 11:38:17

" I just feel so guilty about denying time with te children. "

You're not denying him anything at all. You are simply making him commit to a regular schedule and that's a very responsible approach that can only benefit your DCs. Children fare far better & feel more secure when life is structured and well-ordered than when it is up in the air and changeable at the drop of a hat. He could, with no intervention whatsoever, achieve that stability for them if he chose to. He chooses not to so you are going for precisely what your DCs deserve.... regular, reliable contact.

onedev Sun 09-Dec-12 11:45:04

I have no helpful advice but wanted to say that you sound like you're doing an amazing job. He is such a shit! Stay strong!

Nomorepain Sun 09-Dec-12 12:44:13

I'm really struggling. He turned up at 12 and I told him to come back at 12.30 as arranged. He then turned up at 12.20 and started clearing things out of the garage that I need (and he knows). He was horrible to me. He then took the kids. Didn't ask if they'd eaten. When sleeps were due etc. I also told him that on Christmas Day he can have them for an hour (like he asked for) but not here that he picks them up and brings them back. He said fine. He is angry with me and punishes me with silence and treats me like I've done something wrong. I can't stop crying. Nothing prepares you for handing your children over to such an animal.

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 09-Dec-12 12:49:20

Horrid. Have you sorted out who gets what yet? It sounds like he is again manipulating the situation to hurt and confuse you. He is a bully.
He will soon find out if they are hungry and tired though wink

MrsFlibble Sun 09-Dec-12 12:59:40

Nomorepain, when he wants to see the kids next time, pick a mutual meeting point, dont allow him near the house, if he refuses then no visit.

janelikesjam Sun 09-Dec-12 13:11:50

Hello OP. I felt very concerned reading your post, and your mental and physical exhaustion through all this, understandable sad.

Agree with others about getting your personal boundaries in place. But I also think you need to get support to deal with this controlling and horrible man.
Legal advice and a solicitor is one important place. Are there any women's organisations near you? Or sympathetic social services? The fact that you have kept such a full diary and notes would I imagine be helpful for you in making a case and get things straightened legally and power and control back in your life.

I personally believe no father in a child's life is better than a damaging and neglectful one. I think you should be focusing on minimising contact and getting things put on a legal footing.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sun 09-Dec-12 13:23:19

Well done for standing up to him. If he's angry it because you've done rather than roll over. Very normal for bullies. If anyone should be angry it's you... cheated on when pregnant, left alone with two children, messed around with contact. So don't turn the anger in on yourself by crying.... turn it outward and use it constructively when you talk to your solicitor etc.

HisstletoeAndWhine Sun 09-Dec-12 14:14:08

Yes, arrange a mutual place, and time. Show up ON the dot. Wait 5 mins and leave.

If he shouts at you, leave (with the kids) don't allow him access to your home, your garage (change the locks) or any aspect of your life.

Instruct him to supply you with dates and times for the next month, by email only.

Change your mobile number.

Don't allow him the space to dictate a thing. He is not caring for your DC properly. That will harm them. No contact is better than this.

FellatioNelson Sun 09-Dec-12 14:29:04

You have just described my early childhood OP. By the time I was about ten I saw my dad extremely sporadically, sometimes not for 2 years at a time, and his social/love/work life always came first. By the time I had my own children I could barely be bothered to keep up the pretence of a normal daddy/daughter relationship - I don't think I've ver really known what that is. When I got married for the second time I didn't even bother to tell him or invite him.

By the time my 3rd DC was born he was getting old and lonely and life wasn't quite the full-on blast it had always been, so he started (in his own weird way) trying to reach out and make amends. Even that he was useless at, and completely inconsistent and unreliable. But it was too late - I didn't need him want him by then. he was a bit of an embarrassing inconvenience I had to tolerate and pretend to know and love for one day, every two years or so.

We were pretty much estranged for the last ten years of his life, and when he died he was alone, unemployed, ill and miserable and NONE of his three natural children were in his life at all.

It could have been so different, but you get out of your children what you are prepared to put in, I always find.

Ask your ex if that's what he really wants, because I can pretty much guarantee that it's what he'll get. Just because your son is only three doesn't mean he won't remember the feeling he gets when he is let down by him, for the rest of his life.

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