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another suspicious text messages thread

(99 Posts)
unsure2012 Sun 09-Dec-12 06:47:55

Hello - looking for advice here - have seen so many similar MN threads on this topic and now find myself in this position. I know I am going to get advice on here that I need to confront DH but I am not sure I am in the place to do that yet.

Friday night DH had works xmas do - gets in about 1.30am and into bed and falls asleep. All totally expected by me and no problem at all.

Saturday evening I am in the kitchen making a cup of tea. DH's phone is charging up there and it beeps an incoming text message. Phone is right next to me and I look at it, and, being an iphone, the text message is displayed on the screen. text message reads

"please tell me, I'm going mental here".

His phone has been in the charger in the kitchen since about midday and, being an iphone, it displays all the text messages that haven't been opened yet. The message before the one above reads

"oh my god did we um last night?" (left at 4.30 in the afternoon)

This is from a number (so not a name DH has stored in his phone). I now open his iphone (i know the code and he knows mine). I took a photo of the screen (advice gleaned from previous MN threads!) and missed the first one and have now forgotten it but rest of the convo goes:

DH "No waited and waited only left about 45 mins ago"
Mystery Person "Argh how did i stuff that sad "
DH "Dunno literally got a taxi about 1.30 obviously really looked for you :0( "

And then the other nexts Mystery Person sent that afternoon.

I dont say anything and act normal - go to bed mulling it over. DH still hasn't picked phone up from kitchen. Get up at 9am this morning as DH's turn to get up with DC. I take DC out on playdate, get back about 12.30. Check DH's phone and he has replied along lines of "No, sorry for late reply I left my phone at home" (i didn't have time to make a proper note). Not sure what his reply means as he was at home all day.

I went out this afternoon and call the number from a phone box - woman answers and i hang up.

I have never ever had any reasons to suspect or mistrust DH. I know i read his messages, but i couldn't miss the first ones i saw that flashed up on the phone. I know i should tell him what i have seen and get his explanation but not sure i can face it right now. There must be an innocent explanation for thos texts - is there? Even if DH hasn't done anything physical is there some kind of wierd relationship going on between him and this texting woman?

unsure2012 Mon 10-Dec-12 20:35:26

I mean punishing as in he will play on the fact I didn't trust him and looked at the messages on his phone display and had to ask about them. He probably thinks I shouldn't even of had to ask.

Sorry - in work now but will pop in and out - trying to stay sane and level headed at the moment!

AndrewMyrrh Mon 10-Dec-12 20:37:33

Pointing out the facts that he has lied, and then has blamed the OP for looking in the first place isn't reading between the lines though.

OP asked for views on whether the exchanges were dodgy and people have provided their views. Not degrading or inappropriate IMO.

carlywurly Mon 10-Dec-12 20:48:18

The defensive behaviour rings bells for me.

It's classic guilty party behaivour to make you feel as though you're in the wrong for asking. You aren't - he should want to make you feel at ease in your marriage, not admonish you for questioning him.

I hate these games. It can be extremely damaging as you start to doubt yourself. Your instincts are right, and i really hope it turns out to be a storm in a teacup. It's far better that you are aware if there is something on the horizon, and it sounds as though you need to build some walls up round your marriage pretty quickly. That isn't your sole responsiblity though.

I'd be letting your DH know what he stands to lose if this turns out to be anything sinister - I definitely wouldn't just ignore it. (voice of experience)

Gay40 Mon 10-Dec-12 21:24:43

If he was hiding anything, would he have left the phone out for her to see, and left the settings in place which display the message - because those settings can be changed.
Just a thought.

SomersetONeil Tue 11-Dec-12 02:25:28

But he clearly is hiding something, Gay.

He's claiming the person is an unknown - but he's conversed with them - replied to texts about meeting up, etc. He knows who this person is, but has lied to unsure - and given the nature of the exchanges ('I'm going mental here', 'did we um?' 'I waited and waited', 'I really tried to find you', etc) this is now cause for genuine concern on her part.

A lot of men aren't exactly James Bond when it comes to covering their tracks and ensuring they don't get caught. The fact that he didn't have the nous to change his phone settings doesn't mean a great deal, other than he's perhaps not practiced in this. Which is something...

unsure - all I can say is do not allow him to twist this around and make you out to be the one in the wrong here. You did nothing wrong by noticing he messages when the beeped in. You did not go snooping. You now cannot un-know what you know.

Do you think he is going to hope you don't raise it again, and sweep it under the carpet? Can you do that?

Mimishimi Tue 11-Dec-12 05:37:28

It's definitely the lying about her being an unknown which would have me VERY worried, not so much the text messages themselves. Does he know that you took screenshots of them as well as reading them. If I were you I'd make several backups of those immediately and also watch his phone behaviour very carefully. He may even get another phone so something to keep in mind. gathering more 'evidence' might be a bit more difficult now that he knows you are onto him but if you do find another phone, chances are the pincode will be exactly the same or something quite obvious (a birthday etc). Good luck and hopefully it's just a storm in a teacup.

CabbageLeaves Tue 11-Dec-12 07:10:15

Can they be changed on an iPhone Gay? I was under h impression they couldn't. (It's very frustrating). No secrets from my DD!

Whilst a agree completely about leaving his phone out why then lie about what she saw?

toomuchchristmaspudding Tue 11-Dec-12 07:15:20

I would call her. I would say: "my husband says you've been relentlessly pursuing him, but he's not interested". See what she says. If they have been having an affair, I am sure she would take great delight in telling you.

So sorry you are going through this, by the way.

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 11-Dec-12 07:38:48

I agree with toomuch, I did exactly the same thing, I called and said you do realise xx has a wife and children and has said you are obsessed with him and keep texting all the time even though he has asked you to stop.
How did you get his number in the first place.

OW spilled.

carmenelectra Tue 11-Dec-12 07:43:41

I was hoping that there was an innocent explanation for all of this and it seemed a possibilty, up until the point where he lied about the messages being from someone random.

Now me being me, I would have blown up there and then and told him I knew he was lying because I had read the lot. In fact, it wouldn't have gone on so long if it were me. I'd have confronted him the moment I read the texts. I could not go about my daily business with that hanging over me head. Going to work with a knot in my stomach.

The very least I'd be doing though is gathering more evidence and snooping. OP you say you have acess to computer and passwords. I'd bloody well use em. He has no right to feel wounded for you spying if there is something going on. Wouldn't he want to know if you were making a mug of him? If there is nothing going on then fair enough, but why the bullshit about the txts?

I think some people maybe would just rather not know or be afraid of confrontation. Personally I could not be in a relationship like that.

MusicForTheMasses Tue 11-Dec-12 07:50:21

I always thought I would be that person too Carmen. The reality of your whole world apparently falling apart in front of your eyes is a completely different one though.

OP my STBXH denied it, even though I had the proof in front of me. I waited until I had undeniable proof (luckily a matter of days) as I knew that he would play mind games with me otherwise. The reactions you are experiencing don't sound good, sorry.

ErikNorseman Tue 11-Dec-12 08:06:46

The number of people who find things out by their partners leaving phones within reach - the fact that he didn't hide the phone does not = nothing to hide. False logic.

MusicForTheMasses Tue 11-Dec-12 08:09:57

I didn't even find anything on my ex's phone, nothing. The fact that he had deleted EVERYTHING off there was a sign, he's a complete technophobe so only to delete everything, not individual messages lol. I found out 2 days later when I looked at his laptop, in the deleted items folder. He'd deleted but forgotten to empty that folder.

Gay40 Tue 11-Dec-12 08:51:06

The lying is the big red flag. And very stupid.

unsure2012 Tue 11-Dec-12 19:51:35

Hello all - sorry for delay in getting back again. I couldn't get the mn app working last night and didn't want to go on home lap top.

Well yesterday DH got an early train home with me and brought up this subject. He said he knew he had messages her back but he was really embarrassed by her texts andthat there had been some very drunk flirting between them at the work do (she is apparently a work colleague) and he has told her to back off.

I am coming down on the side of believing him because 1) as I said, never had a reason to mistrust him before 2) I sort out all our finances and pay all our bills and credit cards and I have never seen any suspicious transactions or money I can't account for and 3) If he is having an affair I don't know when he is doing it as he rarely goes out without us.

I think the worst he may have done was a drunken snog, and to be honest I wouldn't end a 16 year relationship with two children over that.

I am going to keep a close watch on things though.

Many thanks to everyone for your support - really hope I have got it right here.

carmenelectra Tue 11-Dec-12 20:00:38

So he brought up the subject without any prompting and fessed up? Did you quiz him at all or just accept what he said and leave it at that?

clam Tue 11-Dec-12 20:14:16

Well, as others have pointed out, the nature of the texts don't suggest something of long-standing so you may be right. Let's hope that this has been a shot across the bows for him, anyway and anything that might possibly have brewed has been shot out of the water.

Good luck.

AndrewMyrrh Tue 11-Dec-12 20:20:34

Unsure, I am glad to hear your update. Given the information on here, I tend to believe his account. Thank goodness he had the balls to fess up. If he hadn't, and continued lying and trying to blame you, I think things would be looking very different.

I hope he apologised to you, not just for the drunken flirting, but also by trying to twist it to make it your fault.

unsure2012 Tue 11-Dec-12 20:31:15

Yes he was apologetic about it all and we had a good chat about it. As I said I will be keeping an eye on things for a while, but hopefully there will be no shocking updates to this thread!

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Tue 11-Dec-12 20:31:55

Best to talk things over, rather than delay and brood or flounce upstairs. Very glad he brought up the subject and it's sorted, all the best.

MadSleighLady Tue 11-Dec-12 20:50:56

That does fit with his next-day texts back (and her more full-on texts to him). Hopefully a wake up call for him. smile

SomersetONeil Tue 11-Dec-12 21:06:39

That sounds like a really good outcome. The fact that he brought the subject up and didn't continue to twist it around putting the blame on you for (not) 'snooping' or continue to lie is good.

It's not in the slightest bit unusual for people in long-term relationships to have their eye turned - we're only human and of course people notice other people. This - whatever it was, something or nothing - sounds like it was only in its very early days and the best you can hope for is that it would never have eventuated even without your knowledge of the whole thing. Hopefully he would have told the other woman to back off without any prompting. It's definitely a lesson learnt, anyway.

Well done for confronting and getting to the bottom of it and discussing it like rationale adults. smile

AgathaHoHoHo Wed 12-Dec-12 07:34:48

Sounds like a good outcome. Hopefully that is the sum of it to date, and the end of it too.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 12-Dec-12 19:37:35

Glad it turned out ok - I would have a look at this link and discuss boundaries with your DH.

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