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What would you do?? I could do with a bit if advice(68 Posts)
Ive name changed for this but could really do with some MN words of wisdom..
2 years ago my dh of 6 months had an affair, I found out by chance. It had been going on for about 4months and appeared to be an emotional affair. We talked lots and he swore to me there was nothing physical in it. We've always had difficulty communicating but we muddled through. His reaction on me finding out was the reason I stayed. He was very full of remorse and did everything I asked such as stopping contact etc.
Anyway fast forward 2 years and I'm just starting to feel secure again. We have a mutual friend who weve known for ages, he knew about the affair as I confided in him at the time. He does try to stay neutral and he did help me out perspective on it. My dh doesn't know I told him.
But he's out tonight with my dh and they've both had a bit to drink, our friend has just rang me in a bit of a state and I've just shoe horned it out of him what was wrong. It turns out my dh DID have sex with the woman, although he swore to me he didn't. I did say at the time that if I found out he'd lied to me that would be the end.
I feel in shock ATM, I don't know if I should let sleeping dogs lie or confront him, (I won't tonight as he'll be drunk) it feels that if I make an issue out of it then I'm raking up old ground, but also it's opened up old wounds and I don't know if I can deal with this again.
Sorry for the essay, I just needed to talk...
And two years isn't ages ago.
There are women on here two years on from affairs by genuinely repentant husbands who are still struggling to get past it.
You, of course, haven't had the chance to get past it, because he was neither repentant nor honest.
He has a real fucking cheek maintaining that his lies and betrayal if you (that he still likes to boast about) are so far in the past that you are not allowed be upset about them.
Because he doesn't give a shit about your upset, about what he has done to you.
His only concern is his own upset and inconvenience at the consequences if being caught.
At least you found out what a bad husband he is while you are still young.
So he disrespected and humiliated you two years ago by having an affair and lying through his teeth about it, tried to do it again a couple of months later
as well as who knows how many other times and now he's disrespecting and humiliating you all over again now by boasting about it in the pub to his mates.
And then tries to make out you're over-reacting and you should foret about it as "it was ages ago." You dealt with "ages ago" by going on the facts as you believed them to be at the time
from the lying bastard and made a heroic attempt to re-build your relationship. He watched you do that, knowing he'd been lying. You've now been thrown right back to those initial feelings of hurt and betrayal. DON'T let him minimise them.
He's looking after number one here, and I don't see how he can profess to love you if he's prepared to brag to his mates about what he's done to your love for him.
He doesn't want to tell his family?
But he's happy to boast about it to his mates?
His affair isn't even a secret, he just wants you to collude in managing his reputation.
Tell whomever you choose.
Given how many people know, they'll probably find out eventually anyway. Just like you have.
Oh, and don't be impressed that a man is crying.
They all start snottering when they get caught.
His tears are for himself.
I think his reaction tells you all you need to know about him.
He is a liar and a manipulator, yes.
And doesn't even respect you enough to keep shut about it with the lads.
If you stay with him, I wouldn't be surprised that he'll do it again and again.
I'm so sorry.
It IS a big deal. I started to write a whole long thing on how I think you should deal with this in the long term, but I just can't say. It is your marriage. But again, this is a big deal, doesn't matter how long ago it was!
But wrt. the short term: I think it's also a big deal that he wasn't willing to leave, that he took your daughter's bed. Imagine if you were in his place (that you were the one who'd been unfaithful and then dishonest about it). Imagine you were genuinely terribly sorry that you had cheated, genuinely terribly sorry you had lied, feeling as awful as you would feel. And you were willing to do anything you could. If he said "I need you to leave," would you go upstairs and take your daughter's bed? I bet you wouldn't. I bet if he said "I need you to leave" you would say "Of course, I'm so sorry, I'm sorrier than I can ever say, I'll leave right now."
The most important thing to him right now should be your feelings. Next to that he shouldn't care where he sleeps. I don't like what it suggests about his priorities that he has opposed your wish for him to leave, that he isn't putting your feelings first in this regard.
Good luck OP.
Get him out, get space from him.
Start telling people what has happened.
Expect him to pull out all the stops to get you to put up and shut up, including your DD's welfare. Just remember - the absolute best thing you can do for your DD in this situation is to not let her grow up with a mum who despises her cheat of a dad, in a home where there's no real trust, no real security, and no real love, because it died a long time ago.
Yes, I reread and see that is the case
He is asleep in his daughters bed
I would read that as pissing all over your territory, OP, and an aggressive act you should take very good note of
I think he's asleep in the DD's room now, but is booked in the hotel for a couple of nights from tomorrow night - well, that's what I got out of Ahh's posts anyway.
He would NOT be coming back into the marital home if it were me.
It's amazing what you 'assume' isn't it - I assumed there were two beds in there!
AhhCrap - where is DD?
I'd take her to bed with me if I were you
Who is in the hotel ? Him ?
Keep him out of your daughter's room. Fucking arse, to try and throw his dd out of her bed. I would hate him for that.
If he comes back home, he goes in the spare room. No half-decent person, however pissed off at having his card marked, would insist on more than that. To do so implies attempts at abuse and manipulation.
Why is he sleeping in DD's room?
Stop feeling guilty for upsetting him - he's been lying and cheating HE has done this.
Of course he doesn't want to tell family or friends - who would. Tough shit. Ring his parents tomorrow and tell them exactly what a
feckless wanker disappointment their son is.
GET MAD - you bloody well should be.
Unless you want a life of being cheated on and lied to - do not let him come back from the hotel he's booked into. I promise you, he will not change and you will have a lifetime of misery with him
You and your DD deserve more than that life and you can have it.
He upstairs in bed now, booked into a hotel for the next couple of nights.
I was feeling sorry for him until he told me he was sleeping in our dd's room, which smacks of emotional blackmail to me (we have a spare room).
I truly don't know what to feel right now, but I'm going to heed your advice, look after me and DD and not make any decisions until I'm comfortable to do so.
He's making you feel bad! Is there a link between being a liar and a master at manipulation???? I wouldn't believe for one minute it was just twice......he is saying that to try and minimise it. If you said "I know it was ten times" he'd eventually
admit say "yes only ten times" knowing all along it was 20.
I do sympathise with your , and what a horrible way to find out, BUT, you have had a shock and need time for you to take stock and sort out how you really feel about this before confrontation, a knee jerk reaction just now will not help you in the longterm, so please be very kind to yourself, ask yourself if you love him and can you go on from here , affairs happen I know it is awful, but again please think what you want to come out of this , it is you that matters here , take care and hope it all works out .
You are stronger now than at any other time. There is no doubt he's cheated on you. If you let him stay now it will be even harder to get rid of him. Pack his bag and tell him to get out. He is so clearly in the wrong now that even he can't pretend he isn't.
he simply does not want anyone else to find out what an inadequate person he is
it's ok for you to know that though, obviously, as you don't really matter
YOU DO !
It's not a long time ago.
It's now. You have just discovered that he is a cheat and a consummate liar and appears always to have been so. Contrary to what you thought up until last night.
I hope you find the strength to make him leave, so that you can at least think things through without the pressure this shit of a man will undoubtedly now try and pile onto you.
You really need to put you first here. Do you think him being in the house is for the best right now? Especially if he has family close by. Him going away for a day or two doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage if you don't want it to, but it does give you an opportunity to clear your head and concentrate on taking care of yourself/your daughter, as well as making him realise how massively he has fucked up.
I've told him he can stay as he's got no where else to go but I think he could have stayed with family or friend but he doesn't want to explain why.
I've had tears and snot off him on the phone..
I know what I should do but why am I feeling like the bad guy for splitting up? It's almost like I'm the baddie in all this as it was such a long time ago and I shouldn't be making a fuss.
Thank you all so much for the hand holding
He came back and I'm a bit of a wreck now, I feel guilty for making him feel bad - how does that work??
What actually possibly tells you the most about this man is the fact that shortly after you discovering the 'inappropriate friendship', he was already trying to play away again sending emails to someone at work. Not utterly remorseful at having hurt you, not bending over backwards to reassure you, but back sniffing around other women almost straight away.
Given that, it was overwhelmingly likely that the EA was a physical affair, and that he was a full-on, deliberate, unrepentant cheat.
I'm so sorry OP for what you're going through right now, but I really hope you can now see how rotten this guy is. You will undoubtedly have a happier, more stable life not married to him.
Hope to God you dump him. Because one thing you can be sure of, here's what the pattern of married life in the future looks like when it comes to a comprehensive liar/cheater like this.
He has no respect for you, your marriage, or your family. And by the looks of it he's not likely to develop some any time soon.
I'd get a few things in a bag for him and tell him they're on the step for him to collect.
Better for your DD for a split to happen now rather than after his next couple of dalliances three/six/nine years down the line.
Don't waste your life on a cheat.
This man is a chronic liar and will only admit to what he thinks you have found out.
Several times now, there have been more "revelations" about what kind of man he is
There will be more even now that you don't know...you realise that, don't you ?
Don't stay with this man for your daughter...that would be the worst example you could ever give her
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