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Am I not trying hard enough?

(105 Posts)
AzureBlue Fri 07-Dec-12 14:03:27

After 23 years of marriage, 4 kids, 14 months of counselling (which we have recently stopped) I find I just do not want to be with my husband any more. But he says all I need to do is think more positively and make little moves like touching him or sending a loving text and it will all be OK.
I would really like to be in love with him as I cannot see how we can ever afford 2 places to live, and the children will not have two parents to care for them together.
How do you fall in love with someone? He is a good person.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Mon 10-Dec-12 18:14:54

He sounds like a sexist prat TBH. He doesn't 'love' you because he doesn't really consider that you are a person - you're a 'woman' which means marriage is about you attending to his domestic needs and being grateful to him.

As others have said, get some legal advice WRT what specifically would happen in a divorce. Don't pay any attention to anything your H says, he has not got your best interests at heart, he just doesn't want to have to do his own housework and, by the sound of it, likes presenting himself as a Happily Married Man. However, he's not prepared to put any effort into the marriage himself.
WHen you have all the facts then you can decide what to do. And remember that if you decide to leave he can't stop you. No one is entitled, either legally or ethically, to force another person to remain in an outgrown or unsatisfactory marriage.

WakeyCakey Mon 10-Dec-12 18:38:45

OP you really do deserve a better life than this!
you aren't happy and the whole situation is clearly dragging you down.
Your DD may only be 9 but that is no reason not to sort your life out.

I had an unhappy childhood and I really resent my parents for that. they were always referred to by myself and my sisters as 'the couple who are too lazy to get divorced'.

They don't get on at all, i think my dad is an an 11 month silent treatment bout at the moment and it is horrible. We won't even go to visit them because of this.

your children are important but they need to see you happy to get happiness in later life.

What would you be suggesting if this was your DD?

ladyWordy Mon 10-Dec-12 19:35:49

Azure, this is nothing to do with being with a long term partner; and your DH's lack of empathy is assuredly not a 'man thing'. Lack of empathy can occur in men and women, and it makes for very disheartening relationships.

As you describe it, you're living with a pretty chilly, controlling individual. Not a loving, healthy man at all really. His being happy and bringing you a cup of tea in the morning does not mean your relationship is ok, or that he is ok.

You're talking about a relationship where one partner is deeply unhappy, and the other thinks everything's fine (note, he doesn't actually care that you're unhappy. Normal men care about the happiness of their partners. That's what love is. )

It's also a relationship where you're unable to discuss anything, since you fear the silent treatment if you argue. Silent treatment = controlling behaviour....and it seems to be working.

Also, your DH is a man who left you pregnant and close to death, yet instead of cleaving to your side as any loving man would, he runs away to teach Sunday school! shock What was he teaching, the redeeming power of love? It's something you do, not talk about. (Sorry, that was me metaphorically ranting at your H, not at you.....But you see my point.)

Azure, this is quite a bit worse than you think. And it won't improve.Take some time to visit a solicitor and get some clarity on your financial position.

Try not to sorry about disrupting your children's lives too much. Chances are they are suffering too, even if they aren't showing it.

ladyWordy Mon 10-Dec-12 19:41:01

Sorry = worry...

AzureBlue Tue 11-Dec-12 15:20:22

Thanks for all the advice...plenty to consider.
Think I'll look at all options - will read the Lovedare book to see if can offer any ideas, and also get my finances in a better order and look into what would be reasonable to expect in a split.
I think keeping the whole house would mean plunging DH into penury. He would have no savings and no house and I'd still have a mortgage (actually I don't think I regularly earn enough to get a mortgage)! Not a great way for the kids to see how to be considerate and decent people. Even if a court granted this it just would not be fair.

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