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Am I not trying hard enough?

(105 Posts)
AzureBlue Fri 07-Dec-12 14:03:27

After 23 years of marriage, 4 kids, 14 months of counselling (which we have recently stopped) I find I just do not want to be with my husband any more. But he says all I need to do is think more positively and make little moves like touching him or sending a loving text and it will all be OK.
I would really like to be in love with him as I cannot see how we can ever afford 2 places to live, and the children will not have two parents to care for them together.
How do you fall in love with someone? He is a good person.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 13:19:47

"It's only a failure of nothing changes" I like that cogito. < licks cogito's hand >

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 13:19:57


WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 13:21:26

And any ducker yes my wife and I are building our relation back up you will be pleased to hear despite the advice given to her

Olgaga I thought this was a free open forum

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 13:23:46

Poor cow...

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 13:24:32

Roflmao Congo you are so funny

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 13:26:13

You just keep on doing what your great at trying to get people who love each other to split up way to go Congo we love you

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 13:27:26

Poor cow .......ha ha ha now that's not derogatary so sweet

olgaga Sat 08-Dec-12 13:33:48

AF if you are Congo's bitch can I be yours? wink

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 13:37:46

< presents hand for licking >

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 08-Dec-12 13:39:04

I am sure it will assist your "relation building" no end when your wife discovers you have been arguing with bitches on t'internet wink

olgaga Sat 08-Dec-12 13:43:26

<slurp> thanks

AzureBlue Sat 08-Dec-12 14:01:20

Woah! Steady on guys...I wondered if anyone had helpful tips on how to connect with a partner and it seems I started a slanging match instead!

olgaga Sat 08-Dec-12 14:19:18

Azure pleased you're back - don't get the wrong impression. Take a look at Want's previous post I linked to above and judge for yourself.

How are things? It seems to me you've done just about everything usually recommended. If all those counselling sessions ended in you wanting to divorce, perhaps you should try counselling on your own, to resolve how it is you want your life to be like from now on.

Your children are grown up - can you go on like this for the next 20, 30 years?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 14:32:33

Have you considered a trial separation? There's a lot to be said for time apart. Can give you both time to think, call a halt to the habitual argument routine and allow everyone to get a taste whether life is better or worse one way or the other. As the country song title goes... 'How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?'... absence makes the heart grow fonder and so on.

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 14:40:46

Your all doing it again she comes back and clearly states how to connect with a partner and you lot straight away start saying have you tried a trial separation and can you live like this for the nxt 20 30 years

Please do read my post you will see I actually do believe in making things better and work together to get a better marriage rather than divorce

Op sorry if I have got this wrong but have you said you want to divorce or separate ?

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 14:47:25

And yes I have gone from a pretty shit marriage to one where we now do love and respect each other again just like it was when we first got together

Just takes a little work from each side or do as the others say and give it all up after all that is probably the easy option but then I am not one to take the easy route

Go watch the film fireproof it is a good film if you can get over the religious aspects perhaps you are happy to look to god and it is not wrong or right either way I am not religious but still found the film well worth watching

Good luck and do what is right for you

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 14:52:33

Separation can be a useful way to reconnect. When people are together 24/7 it can create a kind of marital cabin-fever i.e the tiniest thing triggers an argument & well-worn behavioural routines get rehearsed over and over again. There is such a thing as being too much in each other's pockets. Time apart is a legitimate relationship revival technique...

ChunkyTurkeywiththetrimmings Sat 08-Dec-12 14:57:00

wanto I don't normally post on here, am not one your so-called unloved feminists, but seriously, have you read the OP and her other posts?

14mths counselling, repeatedly asking for a divorce, wanting to stay together because they can't afford not to...

Real signs of a loving relationship!!!

Sorry OP - I have nothing to add to help you. Good luck whatever you decide.

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 15:12:17

I am not saying right now that they have a loving relationship I know if you spoke to my wife and month ago she would have said the same
what I am saying is she had a great relationship and now it is not great

perhaps she wants it to be great again who knows

all I am saying is by getting constantly negative comments from people here is not what she needs

but what do I know I will leave it to you experts

by the way what are your qualifications

izzyizin Sat 08-Dec-12 15:26:06

When did you fall out of love with your h and what made you decide you didn't want to be with him, Azure? Was it a gradual process or a sudden revelation?

I followed WTMTR's advice to read between the lines of your OP and all I could see were blank spaces.

However, in your second post it seems that 14 months of joint counselling did little to persuade your h to address his issues but gave you confidence and brought you to the realisation that you are tired of doing all the running in our relationship.

You say you want to connect with your h but does he actively attempt to connect to you? Does he 'do litte moves' like 'touching' you and 'sending a loving text' or is this another example of you being expected to make all the running'?

As for the 'slanging match', what slanging match? WTMTR is engaging in an exercise on the lines of too little too late and I suspect his attempt to foment discord here is directly attributable to his lack of charm success with his dw who will no doubt be back after the festive season - providing his stalking hasn't served to convince her she has nowhere to turn to for dispassionate practical advice.

When the inevitable happens WTMTR will find it more expedient to blame a bunch of women on t'internet for the demise of his marriage than look to his shortcomings .

<gathers up cat and cases of sherry, port, JD and Old Speckled Hen>

<hands moggy and booze to Olgaga>

<flops lifelessly at feet of Cogito and AF>

izzyizin Sat 08-Dec-12 15:41:26

You got shares in this film you keep promoting, WTMTR? What's the script based on? A Reader's Digest story along the lines of 'how I got lost in the jungle, was chased by cannibals, almost eaten by crocodiles/lions, shagged a gorilla, and found god'?

"I have gone from a pretty shit marriage to one where we now do love and respect each other again just like it was when we first got together" In 4 short weeks? Really?

Btw I don't believe you and, tempted as I am to ask you to have your dw verify your account, I wouldn't put it past you to adopt an alter ego in the interests of self delusion deceiving your rabid avid fans.

Lueji Sat 08-Dec-12 15:54:55

Just takes a little work from each side

I fully agree with you WTMTR, the question her is how much has been done on the other side, and how much is it worth waiting fir things to change??

At some point the person doing all the effort does give up. And rightly so.

olgaga Sat 08-Dec-12 16:51:13

WTMTR You're all doing it again

None of us are here to take instructions from you.

It's for the OP will to judge whether she finds comments on this thread useful or "negative".

The only person who is insisting they have the right advice is you.

AzureBlue Sat 08-Dec-12 19:20:16

We have never been very close...
I was so relieved to meet a nice person who liked me as have never been noticed by boys. We got engaged in 2 1/2 months. Married in under a year and unexpectedly pregnant 6 moths later. So never any time to know who I was with I now realise.
The children are what make us happy.

olgaga Sat 08-Dec-12 23:02:47

Azure that is so sad and also lovely. Children make it all worthwhile, but when they're grown and gone, what then?

Let me tell you, as a child of separated parents who ended up living 12,000 miles apart - it's not terribly convenient, and I certainly felt more concerned about my (single) parents than friends did about parents who were still together. They just forgot about them and got on with their lives in a way I didn't quite feel comfortable about doing.

However, my mum had a fantastic time after she left my dad. She built a career out of nothing, and enjoyed life in ways she couldn't have done if she'd stayed with him.

She felt like she'd done her bit, for him and us - and she certainly had. She was 48 when she left him, and my only regret is that she didn't do it sooner.

Ah well - have you thought about what how you will feel and what you will be doing in 5, 10, 20 years from now?

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