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Am I not trying hard enough?

(105 Posts)
AzureBlue Fri 07-Dec-12 14:03:27

After 23 years of marriage, 4 kids, 14 months of counselling (which we have recently stopped) I find I just do not want to be with my husband any more. But he says all I need to do is think more positively and make little moves like touching him or sending a loving text and it will all be OK.
I would really like to be in love with him as I cannot see how we can ever afford 2 places to live, and the children will not have two parents to care for them together.
How do you fall in love with someone? He is a good person.

Lueji Fri 07-Dec-12 14:20:36

What kind of moves does he do, though?

Does he touch you without wanting sex? Does he send you loving texts?

Is he kind to you? Do you feel he genuinely cares about you?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 07-Dec-12 14:24:54

You saying you want to fall in love with him due to not being able to afford 2 places to live and the kids isn't going to make it happen.

Maybe, you have just had enough and will never get that feeling back.

Are you prepared to live the rest of your life with this man?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 14:25:22

"How do you fall in love with someone? "

Who knows? Tell you how you don't do it, however, and that's by trying to force it or analyse it to death. Romantic novels don't go 'boy meets girl', 'boy & girl spend 14 months in counselling', 'girl doesn't really like boy', 'girl stays with boy to save on the rent', 'they all live happily ever after'.....

What first attracted you to each other? Is there any way of recreating those initial conditions? If not.... stop flogging the dead horse, set each other free and care for your DCs in a 50/50 arrangement. There are worse things than growing up in a home where parents are unhappy but tolerating each other, but it's still pretty unpleasant.

thatsnotmynamereally Fri 07-Dec-12 14:26:12

Hi, no answers really as I am in a similar position but if you read your post back, it seems like he thinks that you need to do all the work, so to speak. Does he not feel that he needs to make himself more desirable to you?

He may be a good person but that doesn't mean that you should be taken for granted? just a thought! I am curious as to why you stopped the counselling-- Did it help?

AzureBlue Fri 07-Dec-12 15:00:12

The counselling seemed to always focus on me, and I feel I gained hugely in confidence from it. DH was reluctant to look at his issues. We stopped as it was so tricky for DH to get off work (and expensive) also he suggested we should stop it as it was getting negative (usually ending with me asking for a divorce) and saying we should try going out for a pizza once a week instead (3 weeks and 1 drink in the pub later-also ending in same manner). Of course we won't do pizza!
He has no problems with living with me. It's only me that has the problem, so I should try and fix it. I'm so tierd of doing all the running in our relationship.

badtime Fri 07-Dec-12 15:06:50

So he is making no effort, and that is one reason why you have a problem. The (potentially non-relationship ending) solution is for him to make some effort, not for you to try harder.

AzureBlue Fri 07-Dec-12 15:08:53

Actually DH says I'm not making enough of an effort, so maybe I'm not bothering enough.
I have found a hobby in the last couple of years which takes me out of the house quite a bit and I have a new set of friends through this, as well as existing ones I have been seeing more of. Realising it's possible to have fun!

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 15:09:42

So stop running. Stop denying what's staring you in the face. Stop thinking you have a problem just because you're incompatible. I know there are children and houses to think about but that's just a question of organisation - it doesn't change the fundamentals. What price peace of mind? What price not waking up in the morning with a sinking feeling? Agree to split and start fresh and everyone - including your children - will probably be happoer.

AzureBlue Fri 07-Dec-12 15:15:25

His idea of an effort was to unexpectedly book a weekend in Rome...when I was so busy and tierd with over-work. Everyone said 'how great he's taking you to Rome' but it ended up really badly. We just walked and walked all the time in 104 degree heat....the first day we didn't even stop for coffee or lunch in an effort to save money!

AzureBlue Fri 07-Dec-12 15:20:49

Worried the kids will hate me for breaking up the home. We have a smallish but really perfect house we all love. Lots of big family meals. Impossible to find even a 2 bed flat near where I live for 50% of the house price.

I keep delaying so will have fewer kids at home...but they're now coming back from uni and living at home.

AbigailAdams Fri 07-Dec-12 15:29:11

hmm He is really making you dance to his tune isn't he. Insisting that you make all the effort. And the grand gesture - when it isn't convenient for you sounds a bit conrolling to me, especially when there are conditions attached - like saving money [double hmm].

Making an effort isn't using the credit card to buy a weekend away that you don't want it is putting in the hard work within the relationship.

How does he treat you and your children? Does he do his fair share around the house etc? You aren't really going into many details about the state of the relationship and why you feel you have reached divorce point, which is fine btw. But if you look at the state of your relationship it might better explain why you don't want to be with your husband.

But you don't need a reason tbh. You can just end it because you don't want to be with him.

Lueji Fri 07-Dec-12 15:36:16

At some point you stop bothering because you do all the running.

Do you actually ask anything of your OH?
Because it seems that he asks of you, but you only want to get away. Probably deservedly.

He should not be asking you to do things. He should be offering to do things and you too. And each other should say if that is enough or a good idea.

Ah, the grand gestures...

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 15:39:02

"Worried the kids will hate me for breaking up the home"

I don't hate my parents but, if there's one thing I really wish they hadn't done, it's stay together 'for the children's sake'. They don't get on at all, constantly bicker and it makes for a very unhappy & awkward atmosphere to grow up in when you're worried about saying anything for fear of triggering another argument. As a child you want your parents to be happy. It's horrible when you can do nothing except listen to the sniping and watch them get more and more miserable.

When a home is broken already, kids know it.

vintagewarrior Fri 07-Dec-12 17:46:13

If every counselling session ended in you wanting a divorce, there is your answer. I had the same during my first marraige, didn't want to see it, so wasted a further 2 or 3 years before I finally left.
I was child free at the time.

Kids are stronger than you think, and you could be really happy once the dust settles.

WoollySocks Fri 07-Dec-12 19:47:42

Azure I could have written your post, almost word for word. Isn't it terrible? You want to wave a magic wand and just make yourself be happy in that situation. But you don't have a magic wand. I fantasise every day about him leaving and just leaving me alone with the kids.

I am also in the same boat with regard to finances. I'm sure you wouldn't mind living in a two bed flat and that's fine when the kids are used to it and what they know, but when your kids have come from something bigger/nicer/with memories etc, how do you cope with the guilt of making them downsize when they are happy with the status quo? Other posters please tell us.

It's one thing escaping from a nasty husband but if you just don't like them anymore, will the kids accept the change in their lives?

Azure I am sure there are so many women out there who are in exactly the same boat. sad

WantToMakeThingsRight Fri 07-Dec-12 19:49:55

congratulations you have come to the right place if you want to here from many mumsnutters oops I mean mumsnutters if you want to hear them say split up its over or leave the bastard seems to be pretty much the advice you will get from here... Quite an interesting film I saw recently was called fireproof if you are not religious then you may find it a little heavy but it sure made me think.... It links in with the lovedare book might be worth looking into it as it might just help you good luck

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 19:58:10

"will the kids accept the change in their lives?"

Children tend to accept the reality you create. You are their normal. Change is as traumatic or relaxed as you manage the process. What they currently have no choice in accepting is living in a household where the adults don't like each other. When there are no good options, it's often a case of having the courage to choose the least worst option.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 20:01:54


Because misogynistic books and films that advise deeply unhappy women to let go of any shred of self-respect and simply read bible passages and 'say nothing negative to your spouse' are totally sane... hmm

WantToMakeThingsRight Fri 07-Dec-12 20:55:06

Cogito once again always the voice of mumsnet

AbigailAdams Fri 07-Dec-12 21:04:24

Well she speaks for me in this instance!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Fri 07-Dec-12 21:54:58

You can stop trying now, OP

You can give yourself permission to do that. It's no one else's decision but yours x

HollyBerryBush Fri 07-Dec-12 22:02:03

Why did you fall out of love with him?

Seems you hold all the cards - you found yourself a new hobby that took you away from home, yet don;t want to give up home comforts.

If this were gender reversed, Mn would be screaming the bloke had a bit on the side.

izzyizin Fri 07-Dec-12 22:21:37

I'd rather have Cogito speaking for me than a surrendered wife creationist from the bible belt, WTMTR.

IMO there are a number of regulars who are worthy of the title 'Voice of Mumsnet' and Cog is one of them.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 22:27:02

Thank you. Any belief system that had to deny something as noble & natural as a fully sexual mother and regress her back to virgin status in order to make her acceptable has not one leg to stand on when it comes to women's issues....

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