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The Boyfriend, beer and baby mama

(19 Posts)
Laffytaffyx Fri 07-Dec-12 09:08:57

Hi I need some advice

My boyfriend and I have been together for coming up to two years.
I recently got a teaching job close to where he lived in Yorkshire and moved in with him at the end of August. He was really happy for me securing the job and wanted me to move in.

However, since I've moved in there are a number of issues that have put the relationship under strain.

1. He drinks alone and sometimes excessively. I always knew he liked to drink but have been concerned about his timing and reactions to heavy drinking. He becomes aggressive in his language. We agreed to him not drinking until Christmas but last night I caught him drinking again. I asked him about it this morning and he said he didn't think a couple will hurt.

2. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who lives in America with her mother. I went through the bf's emails last month (I know I shouldn't have- but am glad I did with hindsight) I found an email from his baby mother not happy with him after being intimate with her and questioning why he had gone cold on her. She also alluded to the fact that they were still in a relationship together.
I confronted the bf about this and he denied having sex with her but stated they had been intimate. (Wouldn't be specific as to what this meant). I think after his trip to see her an his daughter in October they rekindled their relationship - or perhaps they had never split up and I'm the other woman?

As I type, I'm in tears because I realise how much of crash this relationship is right now. I moved up here, without friends backing and now I'm eating humble pie big time.

I love him but am so unhappy and confused right now - is it time to leave this mess?

CatchingMockingbirds Fri 07-Dec-12 09:15:48

Don't stay in a relationship out of pride. Your friends won't rub your face in it and if they did they wouldn't be your friend.

SarahBumBarer Fri 07-Dec-12 09:22:38

Why did your friends not back you? Were there other signs of him not being a good bet? Two years - it's not unexpected that you would be starting to think of moving your relationship to another level.

Moving in together is a testing time but these two issues sound way beyond that. You can't fix his drinking and if he doesn't want to, knowing that he is aggressive after a drink - well I'd be getting away from that. Being isolated (away from friends and family etc) in what is potentially a risk situation is a really bad idea.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Fri 07-Dec-12 09:28:06

" I'm eating humble pie big time."

Definitely don't hold out for reasons of pride. Everyone makes mistakes and it only escalates into 'stupidity' when you know you've made a mistake but do nothing about it.

Whatever's going on he's clearly not being straight with you about anything. The solitary drinking is enough to set alarm bells ringing and it's going to be a big problem if he's aggressive when drunk and can't quit even for a few days.

I'd say it was time to cut your losses, learn from the experience and live to fight another day.

Letsmakecookies Fri 07-Dec-12 09:47:16

Whatever the issues are the one thing that comes through in your post is that he is not honest with you and unsurprisingly that you don't feel you can trust him.

Alcohol dependency (excessive drinking and lying about drinking, unable to stop all suggestive of this) and infidelity kind of would be deal breakers for most. And being intimate of any kind really is infidelity if he claims he is committed to you.

None of this is going to get better because you want the relationship to work out. There is nothing stopping you working out whether you are happy, and then moving back near family and friends and dumping his sorry arse. Don't just put up with it as you don't want to be sitting here in 5 years time with more things committing you to him and in the same situation!

Personally I would leave.

Movergirl Fri 07-Dec-12 10:07:32

This does sound like a really bad relationship. I would also leave now, as the longer you stay the more likely he is to continue his behaviour and hurt you more and more.
I'm sure your friends will be there for you, and will just want to be supportive and make sure that you're OK. They obviously care about you a lot.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Fri 07-Dec-12 10:25:57

Well intimate could be anything, but sounds like he has two women each side of the Atlantic he thinks he can pick up or put down when he chooses. So in a sense you are OW, so is she! If you're still sleeping with him use protection if there's a likelihood he "rekindled" that relationship.

The drinking is not a good sign either, I think there may be an element of well she's moved up and changed jobs, she's here now so I don't have to make an effort any more. You know this could get worse and any real friends won't rag you for calling a stop to it.

I'd start job hunting back south and get rid. Choose life!

Lueji Fri 07-Dec-12 10:58:13

Yup, it is time, yes.

And that would be on the drinking alone.
Never mind the other unresolved issues with his DD's mum.

Definitely do it now before you end up getting pregnant or somehow dependent on him.

BookieMonster Fri 07-Dec-12 11:00:52

A good relationship shouldn't have you feeling like crap. Get out now. You deserve better. There is another lovely and loving man out there for you.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 07-Dec-12 11:02:29

Gosh, poor you.

Please free yourself from this relationship. The drinking is very worrying. My DF drank way in excess and as a result alcohol is a big red flag for me. There is no happiness down that road.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. You can return your head high. You gave love a chance. What on Earth is wrong with that?

Well, it turns out that you have duped about his character. If there is any blame to apportioned, it is on your partner for trying to have two women on the go and being alcohol dependent.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Fri 07-Dec-12 11:04:24

Well, eat your pie, and be glad it was quick and easy, now is the time to move out and on, even if that means back.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 07-Dec-12 11:14:38

Make plans and leave OP.

AmberLeaf Fri 07-Dec-12 11:43:39

Id start looking for somewhere of your own to live.

Then leave.

pictish Fri 07-Dec-12 11:46:21

I'm afraid it is time to go.
I'm so sorry.

pictish Fri 07-Dec-12 11:48:03

The drinking and verbal aggression will continue and escalate.
He is having a long distance relationship with the mother of his child.

Lay your plans straight away. Then go.

This is a no go zone.

PeppermintPasty Fri 07-Dec-12 11:48:41

I agree too love. This isn't worth it. If your friends are true friends they will support you without the "I told you so's", and they will be glad to have you back.

He's broken a promise to you over the drinking, and it sounds very much like he is cheating and yes, who knows what he's telling her.

Get out as quick as you can x

elastamum Fri 07-Dec-12 11:56:50

Poor you. If it is this bad at the start it wont get any better. Time to cut and run before you end up with too many long term committments together.

Call your friends, they will support you, thats what they do smile

I would make plans to move back to where you have friends and family and chalk it up to experience

ProfYaffle Fri 07-Dec-12 12:43:03

Backing out of this relationship is nothing to be ashamed of or eat humble pie about. It's a sign that you have a healthy respect for yourself and are strong enough not to 'settle' for someone who isn't good enough for you. It's something to be proud of.

Laffytaffyx Sat 08-Dec-12 08:02:28

Thank you all, I really appreciate it. I'm just completing my newly qualified teaching year so I'll begin my apartment search today , finish my year at the school and move out.

Thanks everyone.

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