goodbye dad

[vikm]

at the end of playgroup we have to say goodbye to everything so my little girl doesn't cry when we leave. this is my goodbye so I don't cry anymore.

please humour me while I say my goodbyes.

goodbye dad who was always late or didn't turn up
goodbye dad who used to only talk to me about school
goodbye dad who used to say horrid things about my mum
goodbye dad who put work first and made his company his family
goodbye dad who cheated on my mum
goodbye dad who was unkind to my brothers who needed help
goodbye dad who waited until I was hundreds of miles away from home to tell me that I was despicable, ignorant, twisted and the product of a desperate attempt to save a marriage
goodbye dad who two weeks before I got married told me that I did not possess the qualities to be his daughter
goodbye dad who can make me cry just by dreaming about him

you will never be who I needed you to be and there is no other place for you.

thank you for being my audience!

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Is Dad dead?

[Selks]

That's very sad, but I hope you've found it cathartic and you're feeling ok. x

[vikm]

no, just a particularly hideous person. just some one I have never dealt with. finally realised that it's not possible to reconcile my feelings - I have to push him out of my thoughts.

[Proudnscaryvirginmary]

I'm sorry. Feel free to vent or process your thoughts on here x

[DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight]

Biological fathers aren't necessarily Dad material, are they. Sorry you didn't get a good one. Hope your DD has x

[Anniegetyourgun]

That was no dad. That was a sperm donor.

[vikm]

thank you.

I had a really vivid dream last night. He was there but I refused to speak to him. That was it - not very exciting but enough to ruin my day!

I've seen him twice since I left for university in 1998 but I hear about him a lot as my brothers are still in touch. He's very wealthy and everyone keeps saying that I should be in touch so we can sort out a decent house etc. I just can't do it. I wish I could screw him over but I know that it would hurt me so much in the process.

he has been the biggest influence in my life but not a positive one. The effects that he's had on me have caused big issues for me with my husband - I am completely unreasonable if he's late, forgets something that i feel is important, is impatient etc and it's because I'm terrified that I've found someone like my dad. I know that's ludicrous as my husband is a wonderful man. I hate that my dad still has a way to make me sad.

I have to leave him behind. this is my very firm, conscious decision. I will no longer be curious about what's happening in his life and I will no longer listen to anyone about getting in touch with him for any reason.

tah dah! I hope it's a simple as saying it!

[abbierhodes]

I hope that you manage to move on. x

[Proudnscaryvirginmary]

I think you have made absolutely the right decision and a very, very brave one. Some people (and I don't judge them) are imprisoned by their toxic parent's hold their whole lives.

You are going to be free. I won't lie, the legacy of his crap will always have an impact - you will always store some pain and bitterness and longing and need but you will manage it far better when he's not in your life.

[vikm]

The thing is he's not been in my life for years. The only communication is through letters and I haven't heard anything for two years. I just don't seem to be get him out of my head & it's really not healthy.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Maybe you'd find him easier to get 'out of your head' if you met him? At the moment he's almost a fantasy figure.... not in a good way, obviously.... a memory that is subtly out of reach, playing on your mind and invading your dreams. It could be that, if you met him again, you'd be able to see him for the person he really is, this would alter your perception and he would figure far less in your thoughts.

I had a grandmother that I was excluded from (with good reason) until I was about 14 years old. The stories I heard about her as I was growing up - because she was also in touch with other members of the family - meant I had this mental image of someone who was a cross between Snow White's stepmother and Myra Hindley. Pretty daunting. When I finally met her I found her to be a fairly pathetic and bitter old woman that didn't scare me at all. Never met her again.

So that's my suggestion. Meet up and lay the ghost

[escorpion]

Ah it´s so hard...we can´t choose our families. I have toxic family members too. I try and distance myself as much as possible. I too think you have made the right decision. What sort of dad would say those nasty things to his own daughter?! Sorry he is still ruining your life. I hope you can move on.

[HisstletoeAndWhine]

My love it IS so hard. While you are at it with your goodbyes... don't forget to say goodbye to the hope that he'd ever be the person you needed him to be.

Say goodbye to the blame, the pain, the disappointment that having this person in your life saddled you with.

Say hello to a life free from negativity, where you show your child everything they need to have to grow, celebrate the fact that you are intelligent, loving and kind enough to know the real way to be a parent.

Now you know where you are, forgive yourself for hanging onto the hope he'd change and focus all that hope, love and support for your future and that of those you love most of all.

[twinklesparkles]

Hugs for you hunny

[vikm]

That's the hardest bit- saying goodbye to the hope that he could be the dad I always needed. My brothers keep saying he's changed but he hasn't changed enough. He still threw all his toys out the pram and said I wasn't he daughter because he didn't like timing of when I said I'd meet him. How do you put that hope aside?

[HisstletoeAndWhine]

You don't, you just tell yourself over and over that a GOOD DAD isn't like that and he's not a good one.

Your brothers are in denial, let them stay with that if that is what they need. The most hurtful thing is to let go, but in time, it will get easier.

Have you posted on Stately Homes? it's a LIFELINE for those of us that have crappy childhoods/parents.

He had no right to treat you like this, he is not good enough for you. You deserve better. Your instincts are right.

There is a good book Toxic Parents (I've not read it yet myself, but I know others swear by it)

[HisstletoeAndWhine]

The memories and denial come back in waves and it hurts every time you have to remind yourself why you have nothing to do with him, but over time the strength of your convictions do grow.

In time you will detach.

[vikm]

Just found out he has a 4 inch tumour on his ribcage.

[IncogKNEEto]

That must be difficult to process vikm, do have a look on the stately homes thread in Relationships, and post if you want to, there are some very wise posters on there that know what you're going through.

Sorry I'm not much help (am currently NC with toxic members of my family) as I'm struggling to understand and process my own situation, it's shit and I do empathise.

[IncogKNEEto]

Hope your weekend has been peaceful vikm, and that you have managed to spend some time processing the news.