Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does it slow down after a year?

(19 Posts)
Sallyingforth Mon 10-Dec-12 15:16:43

I don't think Toad is saying that. There is a sound reason why he's acting that way, but it's not justification for doing it. The reason is very likely the stress he's under from the very long working hours. If so, that stress needs to be tackled before either he or the relationship has a breakdown.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 20:10:27

So the OP should just put up and shut up about this behaviour that's making her feel 'a nuisance' and upset because he might be paying a few bills or providing some other benefit? hmm Hard work does not give someone carte blanche to behave like an ass....

Toadinthehole Sat 08-Dec-12 19:59:19


You say "No matter how tired someone is or how hard they work, there is no reason for being that unpleasant."

Yes there is - tiredness is precisely the reason. The better question is why he is working so hard and whether there may be some benefit down the track for the OP's relationship with him. We don't know what it is. For all we know he might paying off the OP's humungous mortgage. "Taking it out" is also a pretty inapt to describe the situation too.

Sallyingforth Sat 08-Dec-12 16:55:26

Yes. Certainly.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 16:53:31

If a someone is depressed and stressed then they should seek help, treatment or find ways to reduce the stress... not take it out on their partner, surely?

Sallyingforth Sat 08-Dec-12 16:51:31

meditrina: If you are physically knackered, yes. But continued long-term stress causes depression and emotional effects.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 16:51:10

"As Congo says are you bothering to show affection just how much you do you love him do you pay him compliments do you bother to express your love to him"

'Congo' said nothing of the kind.... hmm. Few relationships continue at the same furious pace as when people first meet but, as meditrina rightly says, there's always time for kindness.

meditrina Sat 08-Dec-12 16:37:10

Even if you're knackered, you can still manage a smile, a cuddle and some affectionate words.

Sallyingforth Sat 08-Dec-12 16:34:10

Working 12 hour days 6 days a week must be exhausting.
It will be draining him physically and emotionally and put a strain on both sides of the relationship.
Is this going to carry on indefinitely? Is it compulsory or does he need the overtime?

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 12:02:41

As Congo says are you bothering to show affection just how much you do you love him do you pay him compliments do you bother to express your love to him

Sounds like you need to work a little harder with your relationship or just leave him..... I think you will find that will be the wise words spoken here

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 11:53:26

"give him a break"

This isn't about sex, but withdrawal of affection. Just 18 months in and he's now a man that never pays compliments, rarely expresses love, is 'grumpy' and makes the OP feel like a nuisance. No matter how tired someone is or how hard they work, there is no reason for being that unpleasant.

Toadinthehole Sat 08-Dec-12 11:15:08

If he's working 12 hour days 6 days a week it's not surprising he's like this.

He's probably forgotten what it's like to get it up.

Why is he working so hard?

meditrina Sat 08-Dec-12 10:41:39

Is the frequency of sex the problem? Or is it the withdrawal of affection?

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 10:35:23

Op lets save some time here I think you need a reality check

You looking for sex 5 times a week the guy works 12 hrs a day give him a break


meditrina Sat 08-Dec-12 10:24:27

The normal 'slow down' (if there is such a thing) is from the heady, lust-filled passion (limerence?) to solid affectionate attachment.

What you describe appears to omit the rather important affectionate bit.

Now, will he respond to a good (but tactful) kick up the arse if you explain what's wrong? Or have you started to recognise that he is no longer interested? It takes two to improve a relationship - it sounds like you want to, but does he?

WantToMakeThingsRight Sat 08-Dec-12 10:19:22

And again !

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts Sat 08-Dec-12 08:34:14

What you describe is less of a 'slow down' and more of a 'switching off'. It's not uncommon for someone to make a big effort in the early days and then think there's no need to bother any more and stop trying. Doesn't make it acceptable, of course.

If you feel upset and a nuisance then tell him he needs to shape up or start making plans for a swift exit. Life's too short to spend it with people that make you feel miserable....

flatbellyfella Thu 06-Dec-12 19:51:12

It sound like he needs a kick up the rear end, he is certainly taking you for granted.

annabanana84 Thu 06-Dec-12 19:42:37

dp and I have been together a year and a half. Until about two months ago he told me he loved me all the time, text me he loves me, gave me cuddles all the time, very affectionate, always held my hand, we had sex about 5 times a week, he was very much 'into me'.

Fast forward to now and he's often too tired for sex (works 12 hour days, 6 days a week), is grumpy at me more times than he tells me he loves me, doesn't tell me he loves me as much verbally or in text, barely ever tells me I look nice anymore. I feel a nuisance to him really. It makes me upset. We have no dc but live together.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now